What a day!

Got to get out on the water today. Man, was it beautiful. Barely a cloud in the sky. I thought that it would be a bit cold, but as I got my arms moving in the kayak, I realized that it was perfect. Relaxing and being on the water is just a wonderful way to spend a couple hours.

It is neat how, by getting out in God's creation, it can refresh you. And that is what I feel right now. A bit refreshed. Grateful for the day.

Fire, Jazz, Cushy chair

Right now I am sitting near a fire, with jazz playing in the background and drinking some coffee. This site could take place in a living room and it would be lovely if it did. But alas this is not. It would also be nice if it was occurring in a small cafe but alas, no. It is occurring in a chain store which does a great job a creating atmosphere even if it is mass produced. (NOT STARBUCKS!)

Either way I am enjoying myself. I am relaxed and it is nice to sit, reflect and type. I urge you to find that place that makes you comfortable, wherever it may be.

It is not good for the Matt to be alone

So I went out on the town tonight. By myself. I went to enjoy a free show at the Pennsylvania Academy of Music. A jazz pianist and classical guitar player were performing. The performance hall happens to be downtown close to some art gallaries and cafes. So I got dinner at a cafe and afterwards enjoyed some art and coffee.

Before and during the show I had a periodic thought. Wouldn't it be neat if I ran into a nice lady that I didn't know and we just hit it off and ended up going to a cafe and having a couple hour long amazing conversation. Yeah, yeah, I know, not likely and only happens in the movies. Anyways, it was a thought and hope of mine.

Never did happen, but I still had a very enjoyable evening. Just would really love to have someone to share these types of things with.

So I got a bit wet

Last Friday I had the distinct privilege to go golfing with my brother. Since I hadn't swung a golf club in a year, I went to the driving range Thursday night to remind myself how it worked. A side note...as I was getting my clubs out of the car there was this group of people. It looked like multiple parts of a family. Grandparents, one sons family, another family, but all related. They were getting ready to play mini golf. I realized that I understood what they were saying to each other, yet I also realized that it didn't seem to fit in the states. It was at this time that I realized they were speaking German to each other. It felt so comfortable to hear them interact in German. A nice thing for a guy missing Germany.

Anyways, back to golf. Friday morning came around and we got out on the golfcourse. I was doing okay. Not great, but better than I have done before and the best of us four. It was quite the enjoyable time and I was really enjoying walking the course with my bro. Then some drizzeling rain came. A small shower lasted for about five minutes and then moved on. We though we were okay till we had just finished hole 13. The sky got real dark and huge drops started coming down. By the time that we walked back the the clubhouse WITH an umbrella. We were soaked. Man, we got poured on. But we didn't get struck by lightning which was good.

Still ended up being a great day.

A nice little game

Football is back. The first round of preseason games is happening. Last night the amazingly awesome Ravens took on the interminable Redskins. Just kidding, but the Ravens and Redskins did play. The Ravens dominated the evening winning 23-0. It was enjoyable to see a football game again. The last game I watched at a normal time was about 4 years ago. I have been watching games from Germany 6 hours ahead for the last 3 years. It will be nice to watching the super bowl at 6:30 pm instead of 12:30 am.

So anyway, the Ravens beat up on the Redskins. Game doesn't matter one lick, but I am glad to see the Ravens looking decent already. Should be a good year.

Role Reversal?

I have been hearing many older people talk for years about the younger generation and technology. In many ways I think some of the things said are true, but every once in a while I see something that makes me think differently.

I was sitting in Panera bread on Saturday afternoon. There were not many people there so it was easy to here and notice other things. A bit to my left were a family that were eating. There was a mom, dad and teenage son. The dynamics were interesting. I never saw the mom put down her cell phone or say anything. The dad had his cell phone out most of the time. The son did not have a cell phone.

He was by far the most conversational of the three. He was the most well-spoken and the most interested in talking. The mom did not really pay any attention to anything but her cell phone. I just found it to be an interesting reversal of what we expect. Definitely makes you wonder what technology is affecting in the middle aged generation.

Life and Death

Wow, it has been a looooooong time. Almost long enough for people to wonder if this is dead or not. Even for me to wonder if I was going to end this blog. Well, I am not. Proof...I am updating right now. In fact, I do not know how often I will update, but as for now, I do plan on updating every week. So for you wondering if it is worth reading, at least once a week it will be.

Anyway, on to the time at hand. Monday night, after a day of enjoying nature and kayaking, I returned with my parents and a black snake was discovered to be caught in some netting. I thought that it would be nice to free it. It was dark though and I could barely see the issue whilst shining a flashlight. So I figured that the next morning I would attempt the rescue.

The next morning I went out and started the rescue. I was very careful and tried very hard to be gentle. The snake was remarkably still and I started to wonder about its health or lack of. I did free it, but it had died. I placed it in some bushes hoping that it would heal some and slither away, but it was not to be. Then something interesting happened. I felt a profound sense of sadness.

I wasn't expecting this for although I tried to save it, it was just a snake. But I could not get the fact that the snake had died out of my head all day and I have thought about it today. I realized through conversation that the effort I put into saving the snake had also brought an attachment to the snake. It had been living and I worked hard to keep it that way, but it was not to be. So the effort put in brought a caring spirit along. How much more does that happen for us in relationships with humans? For me, extravagantly more.

Well, that is it for now. Till next time...

Two Things I Like

Happy Birthday, mum!

It is my mom's birthday today. I love my parents and am so thankful for them. God has really blessed me through them.

I also really like the NCAA right now. They are broadcasting every game of the NCAA tourney on ncaasports.com. That allows me, a resident of Germany, to watch the game. It may be late at night for me, but it has been nice to have a taste of the good ole USA. The Villanova/Pitt game was amazing. And I was able to see it. So thanks to the NCAA.

O What a Night!

Yesterday was my day off here in good ole Germany. It was a relaxing day in which I did not know what the rest held. Little did I know that it would turn into a wonderful evening. A group of people were going into Basel, CH to see a movie. I figured that I would join them. So to be in Basel is a good start.

We got into Basel a little early for the movie and I had some time to burn. So when others went to get some coffee, I and a friend went to a nearby pub and enjoyed a pint with good conversation. What a nice way to start an evening. After that I went to the movie of choice which was Slumdog Millionaire. Needless to say, it is a very good movie. The story is good and it is very real. Well done with good acting. I really enjoyed it.

I had gone to see a different movie than the others in the group, so I had about an hour after my movie got out. I decided to walk the streets of Basel. It was really nice and relaxing to walk the streets at night. I made it down to the river and just enjoyed the light reflecting off the water.

It was a great and very relaxing evening. I was glad that it happened even if unexpectedly.

25 things

1. I am currently reading the book 'Crazy Love' by Francis Chan

2. My favorite movie is probably Gladiator

3. I don't like tomatoes

4. I don't like to be alone

5. I live with 29 males and 2 females

6. This May it will be ten years since I graduated college

7. I worked once as a tour guide at a potato chip factory

8. In college, I gave a five minute spontaneous speech on the paper clip

9. I don't have a left eye

10. I can enjoy movies strictly depending on where they are shot

11. I have been in 6 major league ballparks in the US

12. I love winter and snow

13. I have been a paid musician

14. I love jazz

15. I have rapped the Lord's Prayer in front of a couple hundred people

16. I like surprises which is why I didn't shake presents before Christmas growing up

17. I wanted to be an underwater basket weaver when I was young

18. 384

19. There are few things I like in the world more than going out to eat with friends and staying for hours

20. I wish that I knew how to shoot poison mouth darts

21. I will pay $10 to see pretty much any live musical act

22. I have driven through six countries in one day

23. I have never been to Colorado

24. My favorite tv show in the States was College Gameday

25. I spend too much time on Facebook

26. I am currently living in the most beautiful place that I have ever lived.

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes...

Christmas is all around me. In beautiful understated Germany with the quaint little Christmas markets and closed stores. The stores closed a bit afternoon on Christmas eve and don't open up until tomorrow morning(Dec 27). It is quiet and just a nice time spent with wonderful people.

Lots of Christmas movie watching has happened. Some wonderful flicks. What is you favorite Christmas movie? Die Hard?

The movies that I can think of that I have watched this year are 'A Christmas Story', White Christmas', 'Charlie Brown', 'Grinch'(cartoon), 'Grinch'(Jim Carrey), 'It's a Wonderful Life', 'Home Alone', 'Santa Clause', 'Elf', 'Muppet Christmas Carol', and I think that's it. All enjoyable watches although some more than others.

Have a great holiday.

Found it interesting

I have always thought that my music listening was a little eclectic, but I have listened to 6 different artist this morning.

Snow Patrol - a hundred million suns
Vince Guaraldi Trio - Charlie Brown Christmas
Ben Folds - rockin the suburbs
Journey
Chicago - chicago IX
Hillsong United - i heart revolution

Just to let you in a bit on my listening these days

Snow nestled hills

Hey all one of you, :-)

I am sitting in here in Germany thinking about life. There are hard times and good times. Sometimes you do good things. Sometimes you hurt the people you care for. Life still goes on and doesn't seem to stop for anything. But man, there are moments that you wish you could take back...at least I do.

This weekend has been a long one. Lonely also. Sometimes the hard times wear on me and I don't feel like I have much left. That is about how I feel. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of not knowing what the next year will bring. Everyone else wants to know, but I can't tell them if I don't know. The uncertainty is hard. We aren't meant to go through this life alone, yet we pull away from each other and hurt each other. We are human, that is going to happen. That doesn't make it any easier though.

Thinking....

War

Tonight I am leaving with our junior class here at school to drive to Normandy. It is a history class trip and I am fortunate enough to go. In preparation for this trip, we have watched a couple different things. The first three parts of Band of Brothers and Saving Private Ryan. Needless to say that watching all this got me thinking about war. The horrors of it and everything. It is going to feel a lot more real when I go to this place. I had the chance to go to Bastogne last year and that was good but hard at the same time.

It will be interesting to see Normandy. To see the beaches that the troops landed on. To see the cemeteries commemorating them. I just found this out yesterday. The largest cemetery there is not the US cemetery. It is the German cemetery. Interesting?

I look forward to this weekend and hope that it will give me a new perspective on the awfulness of war and the sacrifice that these men made.

Am I becoming more European

I think that I am. One of those things that just happens the longer you live somewhere. You get more used to seeing certain things and your opinions about styles change. I still am very influenced by living in the US for 28 years, but the last three years I have noticed a change.

Certain clothing, shoe and other various styles that seem weird to me when I first came here, I now like. I think that I will miss being able to buy those things when I go back to the states, much like I miss certain things from the states while I am here.

Anyway, I like Europe.

Top 5

A friend of mine went to see Coldplay on Monday in Strasbourg, France. She said that is was an amazing concert and loved it. It got me thinking about what some of my favorite concerts experiences have been. So here they are in no particular order.

-U2 in Philadelphia. They are great in concert and my ticket was randomly selected to go inside the ellipse they had set up. 15 feet from the Edge all night is pretty cool.

-Lincoln Center Jazz Orchestra at WolfTrap. This is an outdoor venue and an incredible jazz band. There was a 10 minute drum solo in the middle of one of the songs.

-Athlete at World Cafe Live. Small club with a couple hundred people. Very intimate show from a big European band.

-New York Philharmonic at the Saratoga Performing Arts Center. Amazing pieces performed. I also got to see Ling Lang play there when he wasn't very famous. Nice outdoor venue.

-The concert to yet love. I love going to see live music. I can't wait for all the chances to see small or big bands live. So this spot goes to the one that will perpetually happen for the rest of my life.

I wonder if people still read this...

Yesterday was my day off here in good ole Germany. In the location that I live, I have the distinct privilege of being within 30 minutes of Basel, Switzerland. Basel was always a nice European city for me, but not anything incredible. I think that I have been selling it short since I am so comfortable with it. Living so close it is easy to jump in for an hour or two and back out.

Only recently have I started to really how great the city is. It is beautiful. I wish I had taken my camera to take some neat pictures. The city has museums, squares, a river, and nice riverside park. It is a quintessential European experience. I know it well and it may be one of my favorite cities in Europe. I think that the more time you spend in a city just enjoying the people and place you are, the more you can enjoy it.

Back to yesterday, I went in with a couple of other guys for about three hours. We walked around for a while, sat by the river, walked through streets and parks and were just enjoying the beautiful weather. On one side of the river, there is the big cathedral of the city. It is up a hill and by Basel old university. Around it is what in English would be the 'church square.' It is quiet with no real shops around and has a few trees in this one area and benches. We sat down and just enjoyed the city as it was itself.

It was so relaxing. People were biking and walking by. Some were just enjoying the benches like us. A group of guys came and were playing boche ball. It was just a nice beautiful and serene moment of time.

I am so blessed to have this opportunity.

Airplanes

I think that i talk a while back about the relationship that is developed between people on planes that sit next to each other. Even if you don't talk there is something that happens. Well this time it was a bit different. I was flying from Philadelphia to Frankfurt. I got to sit next to this German guy named Sebastian who was from Leipzig. We had a grand time talking about many things for a good bit of the flight. It made the flight go much quicker and be a bit more enjoyable.

I don't know if I will ever see Sebastian again. I highly doubt it, but for those 8 hours it seemed like he was one of my good friends. It is incredible the good people that you meet oll over the world. So thank you Sebastian.

I Wanna Go Home

A long while ago I posted about what home is and the fact that I didn't have a home.

I haven't thought about it in a while, but usually my answer is that I don't know what home is for me. Until today. I was watching a movie today that made a quote about home and it got me thinking.

I think that I do know what home is. Wait for it...wait for it...

I think that I have many homes. Home is one thing, but I think that I have many pieces of home that make up that whole. I think that my parent's house where I grew up is a piece of my home. I think that Marzell, Germany where I currently reside is another part of my home. I think that Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where I lived before Germany and where so many good friends live is part of that home. I think that little parts of my home lie with people that are very special to me yet live elsewhere. Maybe there are other parts of my home that aren't yet defined or complete. Life will bring those together.

People say that home is where the heart is. Maybe that is true. My heart has pieces that recide with many people. And that seems to be where my home is.

Grocery Stores

It has been a while. Sorry all. The end of the school year is crazy at good ole BFA. Still I did have a couple of minutes to write something. As for now, let's talk about a thing called culture shock and how it affected me on Wednesday.

I landed in the states on Tuesday after my second year of living in Deutschland. And my mom needed some groceries for the house so I went with her on Wednesday. In Germany, grocery stores have many items, but only one or two choices on each item. So needless to say, it was a bit of a shock when I walked into a grocery store and saw about 20 options for one thing. I did a lot of wandering around that night because I was a bit overwhelmed.

My mom and sister had a good ole time laughing at me and I am sure that I was very humurous to watch. Oh man, the silly things that we do and the ways we react. Well, I am sure that there will be many other cases and ways that this will show itself. So I will just laugh at myself and try to enjoy American culture for the next 5 weeks.

Here I am.

I lay myself at Your feet Asking You won't You meet
Won't You meet me
I cannot do it on my own
I cannot do it all alone

Here I am, tonight
With my arms open wide
Won't You come inside
Won't You come inside
Come and fill this heart of mine

I'm in need of You
Of Your touch, of Your life, of Your love
I need You
I need You
-Shawn McDonald

In other news, the new Death Cab for Cutie album is pretty good.

Relax, Take it easy

What helps you to relax? People, doing things, time by yourself, doing nothing. For me, I unwind, process and relax by doing things with people. Especially in the job that I am in, working with high school kids the whole time and having very little time off, talking with adults and having time with friends.

This helps me to unwind which is probably the biggest thing that I need to do. When I get the chance to do that, I am very grateful. When I don't, it can make for a long week to follow. Mental relaxation is helpful and helps me to respond much better to the guys.

I didn't get that chance today and I need to figure out how to best deal with it. Getting out in beautiful weather today helped. And maybe something neat will happen this week or weekend that will give me a bunch of refreshment. We shall see.

The Tale of Two Films

It was the worst of films, it was the best of films. Okay, that isn't quite true because both of these films fall somewhere in the middle of best and worst and not the extremes. Once film is a small indie film with nobody that anybody has ever heard of. The other is a major film company's latest release.

First film: 'Enchanted' I went into this thinking that I was going to watch just a good ole Disney movie. But alas, it didn't happen. With music and the high recommendations from others I was seeing it with low expectations. And those expectations weren't fulfilled. It was a long 100 minutes or so. Things that many other people laughed at, I spent my time cringing at. So many moments reminded me of cheesy chick flick as opposed to Disney film. Needless to say, it was not thouroughly enjoyed. Now for the other film.

'Once' This is an indie Irish film and also a musical although very much not in the same way. It is about a street musician who meets a piano player and they record an album. The music pops up as they play songs with and to each other. It feels and flows very naturally. The film is very simple and the script shows the awkwardness of relationships well. It is so basic that the main male and female leads don't have names. The music is solid and it is just a nice story. Now me being a music person probably lends me more to liking it. But I loved it. (Be warned, 'Once' does have language in it.)

Interesting how we react to movies, isn't it.

Far far away

So much has happened since I last stopped in here. I need to stop in more often, even for a shorter stop. Just to let y'all know that I am alive and that life is good.

I love snow. It has been snowing for the last week. Pretty much everyday has brought an accumulation of snow. It is just gorgeous although a little odd due to the fact that BFA is on spring break. I guess not to springy for us yet. It will come though. It should bring a beautiful spring. I love all kinds of weather that brings out the beauty of creation. Snow falling may be my favorite though. Especially in streetlight. It looks so clean when it is fallen and is also fun to throw at people.

Maybe one day I will have someone special to walk through the snow with. As for now, I will just enjoy the friends that I have been given. Some of these people I only have the next two months to spend with before they move back to many different areas of the US and I stay here in Germany.

Time is precious and every moment should be as good as it can be.

As the snow falls...

It is snowing and so beautiful. Glad that I get to live in such a beautiful place. Friends come and go and some friends come back. A friend that was here in Germany with me last year is back for a few days. So very thankful that I get to see her and at the same time missing my dear friends from back in the states.

The hard and easy part of living overseas. I am so grateful for the people that I get to share this experience with. It is hard sometimes and being very thoughtful right now is causing me to miss people.

So to all of you back in the states. I miss you deeply and am very fortunate to know you.

Encouragement

I have been thinking about encouragement and correction lately. Have you noticed that many times when correction is given, there are specific items and instances mentioned of when something wrong was done. Eg: When you drove you car you are supposed to use your turn signal.

When encouragement is given it is very general. Eg: You are a good driver.

I wonder if by making encouragement general, we trivialize it. I wonder how much more appreciated it would be if we encouraged people while using specific instances.

So I was sitting in a coffeeshop in Basel, Switzerland...

Man, it is fun to start a post like that. You would think that after living here for a year and a half and being only 30 minutes from Basel, that it may get comfortable, but it still feels pretty cool. Wow, I am blessed.

Anyway, I got my coffee and then walked upstairs to find a seat. I found a comfortable one and sat down in it. There was a man reading the newspaper on the other side of our little coffee table. I was getting my book out and his friend came over and went to sit down, but then realized that there were some comfortable chairs for both of them across the room. So they got up to move.

Now up until now we had just exchanged a couple of glances. But as he left, he was very polite and wanted to acknowledge that he was leaving me by myself so we had a very short, typically German conversation. He wished me a schoenen abend (Beautiful evening), smiled and walked away.

Danke, gleichfalls.

News

Heath Ledger died.

Over 650 people have died in Kenya in the last month.

Voting

So I did a blog on politics and it stirred up a lot more than I was expecting. First off I want to say that I picked Mike Huckabee, not to pick on him, but because he was the candidate that most of the people in my circle have been supporting. Since mostly people in my circle read this blog, I figured I would be relevant to that. Most of the people reading this aren't supporting Obama or Clinton so it wouldn't have really mattered to write a post on why I don't agree with them. I have nothing against Mike Huckabee.

But this whole thing goes to a bigger issue. I don't feel like I can support any of the candidates that are currently running in the two party system that we have. Many of them, including Mike Huckabee, seem to have many good points, but there are just things that they support and believe that I just can't support. I understand that I will agree with no candidate completely and many people adopt the 'vote for the least bad one' strategy. I just can't bring myself to do that.

So what do I do? I haven't found anyone that I can support, and I believe strongly that I should vote. The only option that I can come up with right now is to do heavy research and find a candidate from another party other than the two big ones. That candidate won't win, but I can probably in a good conscience vote for him or her.

Clarification

I want to clarify the last post. It is one person's opinion(me) about whether or not I agree with another person(Huckabee). Just my thoughts on quotes I found on his website. I don't mean any of the statements to be an accusation of the US. I love the states and am very glad that I am a US citizen. I think that the US does a pretty good job in the position it is in the world. It is hard to be the big guy.

Politics

I almost never step into the realm of politics, but it seems that in certain circles, Mike Huckabee is being hailed as the one to like and vote for. This is long and hopefully doesn't become too much of a soapbox, but these are things that I feel, some very strongly about and others less so. Following are some reasons why I cannot support him. All quotes are taken from his website.

HEALTH CARE:
...We don't need universal health care mandated by federal edict or funded through ever-higher taxes...It consumes about 17% of our gross domestic product, easily surpassing the few European nations where spending is close to 10% and far higher than any other country in the world...
After living in Germany I have seen universal health care work and he states right here that it is cheaper in Europe. The US has attempted to fix health care privately for too long. Maybe we should realize that our European friends might have figured something out.

BORDERS:
...I strongly oppose the economic integration of North America that would have open borders among the United States, Canada, and Mexico. I know we must have closed and secure borders...
With the global environment that is happening, this type of secludist talking will get us nowhere. There are many good things that we can learn from other countries.

IRAQ:
...Setting a timetable for withdrawal is a mistake. This country has never declared war until "a week from Wednesday," we have always declared war until victory...
I could have put his entire page on Iraq here. I cannot support someone who still thinks that we should have gone in or need to stay in Iraq. There isn't even a thought of how to get out of another sovereign country that we should have left alone.

MILITARY:
...I will expand the army and increase the defense budget...
You have got to be kidding me. People are starving on the street and we can't even get health care or help these African nations, but we need to spend more money on the military. Let's get our priorities straight and start caring about people, not taking over people.

ISRAEL:
...As President, I will always ensure that Israel has access to the state-of-the-art weapons and technology she needs to defend herself from those who seek her annihilation...
It is amazing how Israel stays perfect as the country bombs Palestine and Palestine is always the bad country. Maybe we should reevaluate.

HUMAN RIGHTS:
...The United States must continue to lead the world in condemning the human rights abuses inflicted on the Cuban people...
Why can we torture people as much as we want but than claim to be clean. We should clean up our act before condemning other countries.

GUN CONTROL:
...I consistently opposed banning assault weapons and opposed the Brady Bill...
Still don't understand why people need to walk around with assault weapons. This might be a good thing to ban.

These are some issues that cause me to not be able to support him.

What Love Could Be

She came in from the cold. Wet!
Dropped her luggage bags; looked the concierge in the eye
And said ‚I need a room for the night but I don't got no money.
Will you take payment in kind?
He said ‚ alright. I've got a room here you can share mine.

Make the bed in the morning and that'll do fine.
You can change in the bathroom, hang your clothes on the line‚
A tear came to here eye as she thought‚ How could he be so kind

She sat down on the bed with a needle
He said I'd hate to see you bleed
I'll just fetch a warm towel and sit with you till your dry
She started to cry saying ‚Why‚ why, why

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

She was cold turkey. He was holding her hand.
She said I was ruined by a man‚ and this was never in my plan,
I dreamed of men who loved me together we'd see the world
But somehow I lost myself among the insults they hurled

I'm sure you're a wonderful woman, and someday there'll surely be someone
So just relax now. It's important that you're calm
She said‚ how is it you can see past me as I am

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

When you took your chances it was like you placed a bet
And sometimes this is the reward you can get
I was always taught when you see someone defiled
You should look them in the eye and smile
Take their hand or better still, take them home. Home. Home?

She awoke early in the morning made the bed gathered up her clothes to leave
Saw the concierge curled on the settee
And said what you did for me is hard for me to believe

I was just doing what was right.
No one that knows love could leave you out there on such a night.
If you can help someone bear this in mind
and consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness
-Foy Vance

Sort of...forgot

So something interesting happened this year. I forgot that it was Christmas. HOW CAN YOU DO THAT!!! you ask. I don't know. The break at school here started a week and a couple days ago. After the students left, we had to take down the Christmas tree so that the dining room and living room floor can be replaced. That is a very weird feeling to take down a tree ten days before Christmas.

So along with that, many other things have gone on. Last Monday, I was able to go to Adelboden, Switzerland. I spent from Monday to Friday there. A bit of a vacation. Amazingly beautiful, but there was no sign of Christmas and it was just a relaxing time, crashing from the semester.

Anyway, that brings me to Friday/Saturday. I had just gotten back from Adelboden and was thinking about what the next two weeks would hold. Then someone mentioned that it was December 22. WHAT!!! Three days before Christmas!! I had no clue and didn't feel like it was close to Christmas.

I don't know what makes it feel like Christmas for me, but clearly I missed something this year. So yeah, I forgot Christmas.

Confession time is over. It is now Christmas eve and it still doesn't feel quite like Christmas, but I am getting there. So in the spirit of the season.

Merry Christmas!!

Can't get more cheesy

This post is for proteinstar. I think I may have tracked down the cheesiest love song of the 80s and so with no further ado...

Richard Marx-Right Here Waiting
Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I cant get near you now

Oh, cant you see it baby
You've got me going crazy

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
Ill take the chance

Oh, cant you see it baby
You've got me going crazy

Whom do you compare yourself to?

Been thinking a lot lately and wondering if I do some things to the ability that other people do them or if I do it to the best of my ability. A couple of examples. This is supposed to be a stressful and exhausting time of year here in the dorm in Germany. So I am tired and stressed. Is that because of how I actually feel or is it how I am supposed to feel?

There are some job parameters here and I have been doing okay at them, but not great. I think that many people around me have also been doing okay. So my question is if I am doing just enough to be equal with other people or am I doing my best.

In both these situations, I don't believe that I am doing the best that I can. I think and know that I can do better and that I am not extra-ordinarily tired. Tired, yes, but still got lots to give. I can do better and half to do better. It is not acceptable to just ride the middle. I am called to be exceptional, not normal.

And dang it, if someone asks how I am doing, the answer that follows should good or great. On rare days, a bad is okay, but the norm should be positive. Enough of this stupid negativity. Time to be positive.

Stay

I've been left thinking
where do i belong
Everything that's happened here
seems now so wrong
I'm asking the questions
i'm not sure I want the answers to
In the searching i've found
what i'm sure is true

When the flower blooms
When the spring birds tune
All the beauty in your soft warm face
Slowly brings everything into place

All i need and all i want
is to be with you
To know the end before the beginning
removes all mystery
What seemed so simple may be so wrong
What seems right may not be true
If there's anything i needed to know
it's not easy to see

For you to be here is what i would love
Yet not knowing you is not reason to grieve
The request that seems so simple to make
It's in your heart where i want to stay

Such ado

Okay, so i got to get away before I get too much of a hard time. So what to write about. Something positive like raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Oh yuck, that is pretty pathetic too. What about pulling whiskers off kittens. That sounds a bit more masculine. :-)

Laying awake and thinking is not my idea of fun. I really wish that I could sleep better. Haven't been able to sleep well for the last couple of weeks. Grr. So frustrating. A couple of nights have been wonderful, but overall, stinkiness.

It is beautiful today. Nice snow falling from the sky. It didn't lay down where we are, but looking up the hill you can see the snow line. We got snow falling which is wonderful though. Beautiful German architecture and simple life.

Isn't that where true enjoyment of life is? In the simplicity. Even in the fancy crazy things that we do, I would bet that the thing that makes it so enjoyable is very simple like a person laugh or their smile or beauty. Or a nice conversation with a lovely, soft....

Anyway. Have a wonderful week and I hope the su(o)n shines on you. It is now. Haven't seen it for a couple of weeks. nice to see it now though.

Love

I just want to be loved. That is where I am right now. Life is so confusing. Relationships are so confusing. I feel like I have been messing everything up that I could possibly. But in the end, I just want to be loved.

Yes in a generic way, loved. But also in a more specific way. It sounds completely cheesy, but I want that romantic kind of love. Maybe it is out there for me. I miss it and haven't experienced it in a long time. Go ahead and pick on me for this one. But it is me being honest. Maybe to a fault, but it is what it is.

Processing

I am a verbal processor. I sometimes have many things on my mind and at other times my mind is nice and free to glide. Some things are not really possible to process with other people due to their personal nature or other type of sensitivity. So how as a verbal processor do those things get processed. I don't know.

I have one of those issues right now. Something that I don't feel the freedom to just talk about with anyone, but yet I feel the need to process and think through it. I have sort of stuck myself in my own hard place.

What to do...what to do...

Things that make you happy

I don't know what I am trying to say except that I am happy. I was made to feel special over the last couple days and some relationships have been going very well. So things are going very well. What a wonder a weekend off can be. Have a great day.

More coming in the next couple days. I spent Veterans day in Bastogne and it was a very poignant experience.

Snowing

Well, for the second time this year, it is snowing and has been snowing off and on all day. We probably got an inch, but then it melted. And it has kept on snowing since. It is amazing how pretty quiet it gets when it is snowing and covers everything with white. So pure and new. it just makes you feel fresh. Get some good sleep and I will be set.

We still got some white stuff on the ground, but mostly it is just falling right now. I have broken the Christmas music out and am enjoying it with the snow and a glass of wine that I had earlier. What a wonderful afternoon. I love snow and mixing it with the fall colours that are out are amazing.

Have a wonderfully beautiful day.

Why do I Blog?

What a question. Sometimes I am not sure that I know the answer to this question. Lately I have been wondering if I am a negative blogger. That definitely makes me curious. I think that I can be, because there isn't always a lot to process about positive things and I use blogging to process. But that doesn't mean that it is a good way to do things.

Maybe I blog to share things, or maybe I just want to know that people out there in cyberspace just may have an inkling of understanding. Most of all, I think I just process in blogging and that is mostly my only purpose in doing so. This post is part of that and I am striving not to talk negatively even though I am having a crappy day.

Peace all.

Movies

I watched 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' tonight. I started out laughing, but as the movie went on, I just got bored. I think I know it too well. I also think that the movie has become funnier to quote than to watch. I love quoting the movie or hearing others quote the movie. We laugh out loud as we just go back and forth.

I wonder how many movies are like that. Movies known so well that the talking about them is the funny part.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost

Missing ?

I seem to just be sort of eh today. I feel this longing for something. Usually when I feel this I know what it is that I am missing. Lately it has been a feeling of loneliness and missing over not having a special relationship and a special someone to love and share life with.

Also, I have at many times missed family and friends back in the US. My family that goes through changes or my friends that are getting married or just living life. These are people that know me and have known me for a long time. There is a comfort there that isn't always here.

Many times I just miss the states. I grew up and lived there for 28 years. I miss the ease of communication. I miss that little jazz club where I go to listen to some nice jazz for the evening. I miss dressing up and going into the city for dinner. I miss those coffee shops that I could just sit in for hours and their name wasn't Starbucks. I miss live music.

Right now though, I don't know what I miss. I have that feeling of missing something today, but I cannot put my finger on what it is that I miss. This is all very ubiquitous and I am not sure that it makes any sense, but I have this sense of missing something and longing that I can't define. Maybe I am missing something that can't be defined. Maybe I am missing missing something. :-)

Anyway, I wonder if anything good comes from missing something.

Intelligence

Have you noticed that depending on what you are doing or drinking may affect how intelligent the conversation is?

Example, if you are out at a cafe with some friends drinking some coffee there is a good chance that whatever you are talking about will be deep and/or educated.

If you are listening to jazz, also a good chance for reserved but educated conversation.

A glass of wine, good conversation.

Soda or rock music could most likely be a lighter topic and more humorous things.

Just thinking...with a cup of coffee.

Can I change?

"Where there is pain
Let there be grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Help them be brave
Where there is misery
Bring expectancy
And surely we can change"

Serendipity

A fortunate accident. Hm, makes you think. How often do we miss those little signals that we get sent. I think that the all-powerful maker that loves us so much also enjoys sending us signals. Those little signs to warm our day or make us feel special. Maybe they give us direction or just keep us going steady. I am glad that they are there.

Serendipity also is close to the word serenity. Mm.

Why is it hard?

Do you think that you make a difference? Do you see others making a bigger difference than you. Maybe you just perceive it that way. I don't know but it is right there for me. I wish that the difference I am making was more visible. It would provide real encouragement for me. I need encouragement, but it doesn't always come and I just have to persevere.

I also wish that I was thought of. When people were doing something, it would be wonderful if I was included, but I just got to push off on my own. I hate being on my own. Life just stinks sometimes.

30

Seems like such a big number. But it is really only a number. And birthdays are funny anyway. You don't feel any different than the day before, but it is definitely celebrated. There are many different reactions from people. You have your friends and family that genuinely want to wish you a happy birthday.

Then you have THOSE people. These are the people that just found out that you are turning 30. They come up to you and say Happy Birthday while cackling and laughing at you. They think that 30 is a funny number and indicates oldness or something. Is it fun to make fun of someone on their birthday.

My birthday started off rough because or some events that created problems. But as the day went on, it got better. My guys sang happy birthday and then grabbed me and threw me into the creek outside the house. It was awesome and refreshing. A great sign of love. Then the dorm across the street brought something over for me. A present and card. Very nice. Girls can be so original and cheesy. It is so fun.

So my birthday ended up much better than it started out. Yeah!

Disappointment

How to deal with disappointment. Recently, I was sitting an heard an annoucement. It was something that I had known nothing about but it affected me. The announcement basically said that something I had been doing over the last year, I would no longer be able to do. It was something that I greatly enjoyed and found enormous fulfillment in. And I won't have the opportunity to do it this year.

Now this profoundly affected me in an unexpected way. I actually had to walk out and be by myself to collect myself. Now I have to experience the consequences of the decision every week and go through the same disappointment again.

Don't know what to do.

Why do I do what I do

I have been thinking hard lately and really disappointed with how and who I am. I am frustrated with my inadequacies and annoyed with my stupidity. Why am I not a better person. At the same time, I should be frustrated with my thinking along with my actions. Thinking that I am bad doesn't help whether or not I am bad. I need to change my actions and think positively. I am very self critical so this is what I get many times. So I spend a couple days irked at myself. Those are days when it is hard to take criticism from others.

Lots to work on here. Sometimes I am amazed that people actually hang with me and like me.

...Maybe they don't.

Trust

How does trust work? Can it be instantaneous? How do you redevelop trust? These are some things that I have been thinking about lately. Trust is a hard thing, because many times it needs to be earned. But what about when it is damage. As someone whose trust of another person is damage, how do you yourself re-establish that trust? I am not sure that is even possible. But maybe there are ways. Maybe they aren't human ways...

Welp,
Life goes on and as it does sometimes you need some time. Tonight I have been sitting in front of a fire listening to jazz. Something so soothing and therapeutic about that. Someone said this week that there are two things that people can look at for long periods of time: fire and the ocean. I think that they are right.

Have you ever been in a time when you just need someone to talk to. But you don't want to put yourself out there. Right now I am thinking hard and would love to just think out loud to someone, but I don't want to ask. I can't explain why. Maybe I want to feel loved and cared for. I don't know and when I write it out like this, it doesn't make any sense. Either way, I am sitting here wishing that someone would sit down next to me and talk, but no dice.

Where I am emotionally hasn't changed over the last couple of days. Life is good though.

People and Love

What are people like? What make some gravitate towards certain people as opposed to others. I am not a big watcher of people but I am a reader of people. Some people like to be around people. Some people like to sleep on others. Different guys hang around different girls. The psychosis behind it fascinates me.

That being said, I feel lonely now. Many times I am very content with being single, but now is not that time. Not that I have anyone in mind, but I just long for that relationship with someone special. I pray that it will happen some day, but don't know when. Either way, sometimes it is hard and I wish for those things that I do not have.

Never quite know what to do about these times and emotions.

Airplane comradery

I think that it is interesting the relationships that you develop with people sitting next to you on the plane. There may be a long conversation with the person sharing life stories. There could simply be some laughing about some things. There could just be the body language of sitting next to each other in small seats. An unwritten conversation about who sits where and who gets the armrest. Either way, for a few hours, they become your automatic friend.

They can bring smiles into your life or uncomfortableness. It really depends on both of you.

Schindler's List

Well, I just got done watching Schindler's list. Wow, what a beautiful movie. It is shot so wonderfully, the music is incredible. How can a story that is so hard be so beautiful? Have of the time you want to cry and the other half you are in awe of the beauty.

How can people be so cruel? So heartless. What is the cure? Love.

Right now in the Sudan, a genocide is going on that is killing more people that the holocaust killed. Just something to think about.

Feelings

Still my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time
My time has come
Let me in
Unlock the door
I never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I’ve waited all these years
For you I’d wait till kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn’t change a single thing
And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know what I’ve become

For you I’d wait till kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
-Coldplay

Thoughts

If you could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’d ever need?
Or is there more I’m looking for

And should I read between the lines
And look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want?

‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put you on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard child?
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side
‘Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood

Because money cannot buy
A husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife
-Derek Webb

Things that make me smile

I have found that there are things that make me go 'Ah' but not externally, internally. Things like biting into a Chic-Fil-A chicken sandwich, or listening to incredibly gifted musicians play live jazz. Talking to those people that you know care for you and watching them get excited about the things that excite you. Non-humid weather. Going to a baseball game on a beautiful evening and relaxing.

Those things are just good for me and make me more deeply happier than some things. Now that I think about it, a Chic-Fil-A sandwich is good, but I don't think that it should be on this list. It made me smile, but not that much. For some it would be on this list, but not me.

Anyway, what does this for you. Simple things, people, music, what is it for you?

Ahh

Jazz. How I love jazz. I had the privilege of watching a quartet play tonight and they were very good. I haven't seen live music in a while and it was a pleasure to see this. Tim Warfield and Papa John DeFrancesco starred this night. What an enjoyable time of chilling and hearing some fantastic musicians. Wow, I hope to hear more before I head back to Europe.

evila llits m'I

Yup, here I am after all this time. What to talk about? Changes. Everything is changing. I came back to the states and 3 families I know are moving into new houses. There are 4 weddings of good friends of mine. Babies are being born everywhere. Life goes on and wonderful things keep happening to wonderful people.

Also, bad things happen. Some people have died over the year. Others have lost jobs and had conflicts of a less that happy time.

All this to say that life goes on. It is hard and it is good. We just got to be there for each other as much as we can and realize that God is there for us. Peace all.

Thanks

I wish that I was more appreciative. It is funny that we only tell people how much we appreciate them when we are put in an environment where we are told to. That is not always true, but it definitely is true for me more than I want it to be.

So...I appreciate you all. This goes to all those people that I know...not everyone out in the big wide internet.

In Deutsch

Ich spreche ein bisschen Deutsch.

Ich heisse in Marzell, Deutschland.

Ich liebe alles.

Es ist ein schön tag!

Schlaft gut!

I'm irked

I am irritated today. Bad stuff started when I woke up and it keeps happening. It is frustrating. I feel like I am stuck in this cycle. I wish I good go to sleep, wake up again and start over. I need to end this, but things keep happening. And I am getting more and more irritated.

And then it starts. I get irritated at myself for being irritated. Grrr. I don't really know what to do with this. I just need to...I don't know. Maybe be totally emo and write a song about it. Dashboard Confessional part 2.

If people only knew me...

Here I am again, in this place again...

It has been a pensive day or so. Thinking about why I do the things I do, say the things I say and hide things. Scared is part of it. I don't know, I don't really have anything figured out. And I don't want people to judge me. People will or won't whether or not I want them to. But I say something and come out sounding much sure about it than I actually am.

I put on this guise to keep myself sounding sure. I don't know though and many of the things that I say are some of the things that I struggle with most. It is hard. I want to be open but to be open is to be hurt. I want people to respect me so I stay out of their way. And in the end I am no better for it.

I have my thoughts but do people really want to know them. Am I really worth their time? The answer should be yes, but it isn't. What is this all about? My incredible and utterly inept brokenness.

And I can't fix it.

Processing

It seems that many times I can deal with stuff better if I write it out. It is just a different medium for me and although I am not great at it, I do speak English so I can write it. Many times this comes out in this blog. Although not as much recently as used to.

Anyway, yesterday the 3 month old girl of two friends of mine that I work with here in Germany passed away. She had a heart condition since birth, yet this was not the most expected thing. I can't even imagine the pain that the parents are going through. I have had another couple that were friends lose their baby in the first year.

Death is such a funny thing. There is fear in some ways. There is joy in some ways. But there is always pain. Great pain that can't totally be understood except by the people that are going through it.

Mourning. Grieving. Crying. Weeping.

So how is the response supposed to go of someone close to them but not part of the loss. There is nothing that can be said. No words are appropriate for this. They never are. There is something that is deeper that I wish could be expressed. I haven't found anyway words recently. Just a hug and being there. That's all that I can figure.

In the end, I don't know.

Life Changes

Welp, here I am. This blog has definitely been lacking over the past while. It is funny how busyness and Facebook affect these things. Oh well. I am not quitting on it and thought that I would give a real update.

After the time coming up right before break and going to Romania, this week I have actually had a chance to chill for a bit and catch up on things like lots of emails and other stuff. I am also listening to Plans by Death Cab which seems like the perfect album for reflection.

A lot has happened over the past year which has involved a complete change of scenery and continent. I never thought that I would be in Europe and get to experience some fantastic things. Neither did I expect that the position that I would hold over here would be as challenging as it it. This has caused a lot of self reflection and with that comes change. Change of myself. I knew that it would happen before I came but that doesn't make it easier. These are life changing moments and I have the privilege of being able to recognize that I am in the middle of them. Life changes never stop happening, but sometimes we are resistant.

I wonder what the next ones will be for me.

Squirrels attack

Hilarious music video.

Romania

Man, this is already quite the week experiencing Romania. I feel so greedy and selfish as an American when I see things like this. I am definitely right in the middle of processing. Don't know what is the appropriate response.

I believe in a thing called love

Well, I did it. I joined facebook. Under intense social pressure I bowed to the demands. I really am not sure what I did, but I have 14 friends already in 2 days. I feel special.

Not really, I am not sure of the purpose of this website. I don't know what to do with it or how to be satisfied. So I will just have fun with it. Call it a 'Facebook Experiment.'

It is sunny and warm here in Germany. What a beautiful place. Also if anyone knows cheap travel websites, let me know.

Hugs

I got two hugs today, neither one asked for. One made me stop what I was doing to give me a hug. Both said I looked like I needed it.

You know what, I did and these acts lifted my day. They made me feel better and the day turned out better than it started. Isn't it neat how a simple act can do that?

And I think that physical contact does help. I think that we as humans need it. It makes us feel wanted...loved...

Movies

I just watched two of my favorite movies yesterday. The first was Gladiator. I have really enjoyed this movie for a while, but haven't never realized how much. I think I realized that yesterday while watching it for the first time in a long time. In the end I was thinking that it is probably my favorite movie ever.

The other was the classic Princess Bride. Another one of my favorites. And so many quotable lines. And I forgot that Count Rugan's first name is Tyrone. He also is in 'This is Spinal Tap.' Anyway, another movie I love and I am realizing that this post has no point.

Oops, sorry.

This stinks

I am sick. I hate being sick. It stinks. And there is nothing that you can do about it. It is also a bit rougher when you live in a house with 29 teenagers. Anyway, I have slept pretty much all day and may head back to bed soon.

Do you think that being sick is a good thing? Why do we get sick? Maybe there is some hidden treasure in being sick. We get rest, we usually eat healthier and we just try to be calm. Maybe there are other reasons.

What is love?

Can any of us answer that question? Maybe some people have experienced it. Others maybe never have. We should love each other, but what does that really mean. There is romantic love, there is love of a family. There is love amongst friends.

What does it all mean? How do each of these things present themselves in daily life? What if you haven't experienced one of these things? Does that mean that you have yet to fully understand love? I don't feel like I understand love. It seems complicated and chocked with expectation and let-down.

What happens when we don't feel love? That seems like the big question and I think it causes us to act differently.

I just am not sure what all this is about. I try, but I don't necessarily understand what I am trying. Maybe one day I will. It just feels like a void now.

Man, am I glad that there is grace.

Who was that?

I think that it is amazing how things are connected in our minds. We see something or hear something and a situation or person comes to mind. More specifically for this instance is movies. Recently I watched 'Newsies' I have not seen that movie in a while and remembered that I enjoyed. Little did I know that while watching it I would be reminded of a certain person from my past. It sent me down memory lane remembering things that happened and lovely events that occurred with an old friend.

Other movies do that too. 'A Beautiful Mind', 'Braveheart', 'Tombstone' All of these were seen with people that I fondly remember. A nice bit of nostalgia on a February evening.

Yuk

Goodbyes...I hate them, but they are necessary. You need that closure with all of this stuff. Especially when you work with someone in an emotionally stress-filled state. Why do people create deeper relationships in stress-filled places. We hear stories of people that fought in wars by each other and the bond that is created. Maybe it is because we rely more on others in those hard times. I don't know.

In other news, man, I don't like the Colts. I really really don't like them. I am also totally sick of Peyton Manning. Maybe now that they won the Super Bowl, I will stop hearing about Peyton all the time and how perfect he is. It was a bad game last night and I am not sure that it was worth staying up till 4.30 am for the game. I am feeling it today.

Pain

I have been reading about pain lately. How we view it as a problem but in many ways it is a great blessing. It lets us know if our body is not okay. If our hand gets hot we pull it away from fire and don't get burned. If we cut ourselves, it hurts so we helped to heal it. Did you know why we blink? Because there are tiny pain receptacles that tell us that our eyes are dry.

Without these things, we have infections, blindness and many more problems. But yet we hate pain. I know that I don't like it, but I have to admit that I have never thought of it as a good thing.

So if physical pain is a blessing, is emotional pain good? I don't know, but it is hard. What about emotional pain could be good? Currently I can only think of one thing. Emotional pain means that I can feel. I can't imagine not being able to feel. It is feeling that is such a big part of my humanity. But are there are good things to emotional pain?

It has been a while

Man, have I been busy. I haven't had time to write emails or to blog. Right now I am blogging and neglecting emails. Oh my.

Anyway, most of you know that I am in Germany. I have been here for the last half year or so. Recently, there was a situation at home which involved the death of a relative. This was a very difficult thing for me. I was all the way over here and my family needed support. I wasn't able to be there it give it to them. That is a really hard thing.

I really love my family and want to help them however I can and when they are hurting and I can't do anything, it is helpless. I don't like feeling helpless. I think they have made it through, but that was tough and I still wish I could have helped.

I am a Pacifist

I think. Actually I am not sure, but it is the closest that I have been to one yet in my life. I just have run out of reasons where violence is justified as the solution. I don't see how violence promotes peace. The only way it does that seems to be by fear.

It seems like we continue to waste time and money in Iraq. Do you know that the US has spent around 1 trillion dollars on the war? Couldn't that money have been better used giving the world clean water, food, housing, and preventative health care? We would still probably have a lot left over. Maybe we should sink money into people, not weapons. Maybe, but I don't know.

Now don't get to concerned. I will still support the military and government even if I don't agree with it. I also feel that is something that shouldn't change. The government just brings up a lot of questions in my mind. I just think that it would be hard for people to hate us if we gave them food and water.

But again, I don't know

I have a dream

I was trying to decide whether or not to post this, but I am going to. Here is the whole 'I have a dream' speech from Martin Luther King, Jr. It is an amazing speech and I think that it is worth reading the whole thing every once in a while

"I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But 100 years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men - yes, black men as well as white men - would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check that has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and security of justice. We have also come to his hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end but a beginning. Those who hoped that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their selfhood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating "for whites only." We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no we are not satisfied and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair. I say to you today my friends - so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression,will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification - one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day, this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning "My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my father's died, land of the Pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring!"

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true. And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.

Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado. Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi - from every mountainside.

Let freedom ring. And when this happens, and when we allow freedom ring - when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children - black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics - will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual: "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!""

I wish I knew how to skate

Okay, let me set this situation up for you. It is a cool, crisp evening and we have just driven into Basel, Switzerland. The night is clear and we walk up to an ice skating rink. Lights and ice with the city of Basel in the background along with nice music.

Man, I wish I knew how to skate. Let me reword that. Man, I wish that every time that I went out to skate, I didn't come perilously close to killing myself and then regretting the decision to attempt ice skating for the next month while I heal. That is how bad I am. But the situation was so perfect. Oh well, it just isn't something that works out for me.

And wouldn't it be so much more perfect to have a special someone to share the night of skating with. One of those...Basel in the background, nice warm woman in the foreground...

Okay, Okay, I'll wake up from dreamland.

What would it be like?

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
Nowhere below us
Above only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
-John Lennon

Do you receive love

I have been thinking about this. I wonder if I know how to receive love. Do I think that I am worthy of being loved? What is love? How is it manifested?

A bunch of questions. Some I think that I know the answers to and others I have no idea. What makes one receive love or not receive? Does it depend on how you view yourself? I know that I always don't have the best view of myself so it makes it hard for me to believe that others value me. Not always true, but definitely true some of the time.

I say that I am just analytical and want to make myself better, but I do go too far sometimes. So why? I don't know. I am thinking about it though. Many questions not many answers.

Sometime it just...

The last three weeks have been sucky. The things that I have done haven't been bad. It just has been a band time. Interpersonally it has been hard. Holidays away from everything and everyone that I know has been really hard.

But beyond that it just hasn't been good. There has been conflict and uncomfortable interactions. I don't know if it has been me or there actually is tension, but it seems like there is tension everywhere. It has caused a yucky three weeks in many ways. I don't really know how to put into words how I am feeling, but this is an attempt.

Why can't we just be perfect?

Ugh.

Why do we act the way we do?

Have you ever noticed that when someone wants something, they will do almost anything to try to get it. I ran into this tonight. Someone knew that another person did not like what they were going to watch, but they wanted to watch a certain special, so they orchestrated it so that the other person would be forced into dealing with it, regardless of the other person's feelings. The other person was put into a very miserable situation.

It is amazing how selfish we can get. We stop caring about other people's feelings because all we want to do is stroke our own. A sad state of affairs our selfish hearts fall into. I hope that I do not treat other people's feelings so casually. I know that I can be selfish, I just hope that there is a limit to my selfishness and that it stops at hurt or ticking off other people.

Happy Boxing Day

Well, everyone, in Germany the day after Christmas is a holiday called boxing day. So what did I do? Well with around 6 other people, I watched Band of Brothers. That is right...all 10 parts. It was tough. I have done the Lord of the Rings before, but that was nothing compared to this. That is longer to.

This marathon was hard because of how emotionally taxing the parts are. Sometimes you just didn't want to talk after finishing a part and I sure didn't want to go on to the next one. But we made it. I don't know if it is something that I really ever want to do again.

Merry Christmas to all...

...and to all a good night.

That is right y'all, it is Christmas. At least here in Germany it is. I just got finished watching 'The Bourne Supremacy' - a good Christmas movie :-)

I shall get some good sleep, but I wanted to wish you all a very merry Christmas. I can't even believe that Christmas is here. I am still trying to figure out what it is going to mean for me. I better do that soon. I am very grateful that this is the time that we have chosen to celebrate the birth of the greatest 'man' in history. It was this that was the greatest sacrifice that allows me to have my hope that I have.

Thank you Jesus.

What does Christmas mean?

This is the first time I will be away from family and friends for the holidays. And it doesn't feel like Christmas. Why?

I am not sure, but I think that I will maybe discover a different feel about Christmas. I know what Christmas is truly about, but it seems that it means more than just that. Maybe in our time even if something is the main reason for Christmas, there are other reasons that make it special. I don't know. I don't think that made sense.

So I am on a quest to find out what the holidays mean for me. Christmas is about Jesus, but what else is it about?

I believe in Santa Claus

At least the idea of him...

God Bless us Everyone...(cough) (cough)

Last night we had a Christmas party. We watched 'Muppet's Christmas Carol.' It is weird doing these things without the people you are used to. The movie is a movie that I have watched with many friends countless times since college. Watching the movie brought up all the jokes that we have developed over the years. These are jokes that I can make around friends and they will laugh, or vice versa. But not here. I don't have a history here. People don't know 10 year old jokes. We can't just laugh at one of those inside type jokes.

I never thought that watching the Muppet's would be a sentimental hard time. How many more times will this come up? I also missed the famed Christmas party that I go to every year. It started in college and I have been to every one. It has become as much a part of the season as anything and I missed it.

All these thoughts are from my perspective. I wonder what it is like to not have me there. I have no clue. Do they miss me? Do they not even notice? I would guess somewhere in between the extremes. I think about these people all the time. I may not contact enough, but that doesn't mean the thoughts and love aren't there for my family and friends. Sometimes those emails or other contacts are just too hard to make.

This has been an interesting season and will only get more interesting. As I get closer and closer to Christmas, I am sure that these feelings will get more intense. It should be quite the ride. I don't know what to expect and am a bit scared of it.

Back to movies, now I am going to try to watch 'Home Alone' without my family laughing in the background.

I got a hole in my sweatshirt

Yep, my Messiah college sweatshirt has a hole in it. Now I realize that this is nothing of note, but I like how I got it. If you get a hole in some clothing, it stinks, but to have a good story is helpful. Here it is.

I got it while climbing around a castle in France. That is right. I am so privileged to be living over here in Germany. I spent the afternoon walking around things that were being built around 1000 years ago. Incredible history. The part of France that I was in is 45 minutes from where I live. I saw something like 7 or so castles on hilltops all around today. It is incredible. Also getting to visit a walled city called Riquewihr was neat.

Perspective is interesting. What I did today wouldn't be that incredible to someone living over here, but to someone in the states where everything is new, it is completely different. I need to stop myself and just think about the incredible privilege that I have been given.

Congrats

I want to wish a Happy Anniversary to my parents. That is right 31 years. Props to them for their commitment.

What to Say?

Too much has been going through my head lately. Mentally I just am swirling. It seems like different things just keep coming my way. First off, a holiday without family is hard. I wonder what Christmas will be like. I am concerned.

Relationships are such hard beasts. Man, if communication was better, it would be easier. Assumptions and expectations seem to just screw everything up. That is a whole post in itself.

It is nice to be picked. It is not nice to not be picked. Last is bad to. Just something.

Nature

Well, the last post may have left a little to be desired. Sorry. Anyway. A lot of people talk about how beautiful nature. The sky, the trees, oceans, mountains. It is wonderful, and I love it, but what about the sound?

How many people talk about the sound of nature? Have you ever stopped to listen? Today I stopped at a creek. It was bubbling down the rocks and was a very soothing sound. The wind blowing through the trees is nice to. There are just so many sounds that are so nice and calming. The sounds of nature are incredible and amazing.

Just a thought.

Life is Life

Life just goes. It doesn't stop. It doesn't even slow down. It just goes. Sometimes good things happen and sometimes bad things, but life still goes.

So how do we respond? Do we try to change the fact? I know that I sometimes do. I wonder if we should just accept the things that happen and either be thankful or turn them for the better.

I like women

Ode to Women

I know that I have talked in the past about the wonders of women, but it has been a while so I figure that I shall opine on it again. Women are nice. Some would say very nice. They smell nice, talk nice, touch nice. Oo, the touch of a woman....

Okay, Okay, I woke up. Anyway. There is something wonderful and mysterious about a woman. Something that us men can't understand. And that is what I think the beauty of it is. We don't understand each other, yet we aren't complete without each other.

And that is why I like women, no, love women. They are awesome and I am glad for pretty much every interaction I have with them.

(Disclaimer: This ode is in no way to be construed as an ode towards a specific woman. There is no specific woman for this, so quit assuming stuff and lay off, you little buggers!)

Left of Center

Why do people most commonly leave others out of things? I would guess that the large majority of the time, it isn't an intentional thing. I would bet that mostly it is because they forget.

So what makes people forget other people? A lot of it probably has to do with the fact that if you don't know somebody that well, or want to know them that well, you are always thinking about or making the effort to get to know them more. And the person is just not thought about. A very simple thing.

Now here is another question. Are some people just naturally more forgettable than others? Hmm.

What do you want?

What do we all want? Is it acceptance? Is it respect? Is it love? Can we have the last two without acceptance?

Just been thinking about how I feel a part of a group. Usually it is when I am accepted for who I am. When they just expect me to be me. They don't want anything out of me. Isn't that how community starts? Yep, I just used a buzzword. Sorry, it was the only one that fit. I don't know, just wondering.

What is it for you?

Cheesy Pick-Up line #384

(Pick up some fallen leaves)
(Walk up to girl and say)

-As time goes by

-Just like these leaves

-I keep falling for you (As you say the last line, drop the leaves next to her)

That's right, an original.