What Love Could Be

She came in from the cold. Wet!
Dropped her luggage bags; looked the concierge in the eye
And said ‚I need a room for the night but I don't got no money.
Will you take payment in kind?
He said ‚ alright. I've got a room here you can share mine.

Make the bed in the morning and that'll do fine.
You can change in the bathroom, hang your clothes on the line‚
A tear came to here eye as she thought‚ How could he be so kind

She sat down on the bed with a needle
He said I'd hate to see you bleed
I'll just fetch a warm towel and sit with you till your dry
She started to cry saying ‚Why‚ why, why

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

She was cold turkey. He was holding her hand.
She said I was ruined by a man‚ and this was never in my plan,
I dreamed of men who loved me together we'd see the world
But somehow I lost myself among the insults they hurled

I'm sure you're a wonderful woman, and someday there'll surely be someone
So just relax now. It's important that you're calm
She said‚ how is it you can see past me as I am

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

When you took your chances it was like you placed a bet
And sometimes this is the reward you can get
I was always taught when you see someone defiled
You should look them in the eye and smile
Take their hand or better still, take them home. Home. Home?

She awoke early in the morning made the bed gathered up her clothes to leave
Saw the concierge curled on the settee
And said what you did for me is hard for me to believe

I was just doing what was right.
No one that knows love could leave you out there on such a night.
If you can help someone bear this in mind
and consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness
-Foy Vance

Sort of...forgot

So something interesting happened this year. I forgot that it was Christmas. HOW CAN YOU DO THAT!!! you ask. I don't know. The break at school here started a week and a couple days ago. After the students left, we had to take down the Christmas tree so that the dining room and living room floor can be replaced. That is a very weird feeling to take down a tree ten days before Christmas.

So along with that, many other things have gone on. Last Monday, I was able to go to Adelboden, Switzerland. I spent from Monday to Friday there. A bit of a vacation. Amazingly beautiful, but there was no sign of Christmas and it was just a relaxing time, crashing from the semester.

Anyway, that brings me to Friday/Saturday. I had just gotten back from Adelboden and was thinking about what the next two weeks would hold. Then someone mentioned that it was December 22. WHAT!!! Three days before Christmas!! I had no clue and didn't feel like it was close to Christmas.

I don't know what makes it feel like Christmas for me, but clearly I missed something this year. So yeah, I forgot Christmas.

Confession time is over. It is now Christmas eve and it still doesn't feel quite like Christmas, but I am getting there. So in the spirit of the season.

Merry Christmas!!

Can't get more cheesy

This post is for proteinstar. I think I may have tracked down the cheesiest love song of the 80s and so with no further ado...

Richard Marx-Right Here Waiting
Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I cant get near you now

Oh, cant you see it baby
You've got me going crazy

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
Ill take the chance

Oh, cant you see it baby
You've got me going crazy

Whom do you compare yourself to?

Been thinking a lot lately and wondering if I do some things to the ability that other people do them or if I do it to the best of my ability. A couple of examples. This is supposed to be a stressful and exhausting time of year here in the dorm in Germany. So I am tired and stressed. Is that because of how I actually feel or is it how I am supposed to feel?

There are some job parameters here and I have been doing okay at them, but not great. I think that many people around me have also been doing okay. So my question is if I am doing just enough to be equal with other people or am I doing my best.

In both these situations, I don't believe that I am doing the best that I can. I think and know that I can do better and that I am not extra-ordinarily tired. Tired, yes, but still got lots to give. I can do better and half to do better. It is not acceptable to just ride the middle. I am called to be exceptional, not normal.

And dang it, if someone asks how I am doing, the answer that follows should good or great. On rare days, a bad is okay, but the norm should be positive. Enough of this stupid negativity. Time to be positive.

Stay

I've been left thinking
where do i belong
Everything that's happened here
seems now so wrong
I'm asking the questions
i'm not sure I want the answers to
In the searching i've found
what i'm sure is true

When the flower blooms
When the spring birds tune
All the beauty in your soft warm face
Slowly brings everything into place

All i need and all i want
is to be with you
To know the end before the beginning
removes all mystery
What seemed so simple may be so wrong
What seems right may not be true
If there's anything i needed to know
it's not easy to see

For you to be here is what i would love
Yet not knowing you is not reason to grieve
The request that seems so simple to make
It's in your heart where i want to stay

Such ado

Okay, so i got to get away before I get too much of a hard time. So what to write about. Something positive like raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Oh yuck, that is pretty pathetic too. What about pulling whiskers off kittens. That sounds a bit more masculine. :-)

Laying awake and thinking is not my idea of fun. I really wish that I could sleep better. Haven't been able to sleep well for the last couple of weeks. Grr. So frustrating. A couple of nights have been wonderful, but overall, stinkiness.

It is beautiful today. Nice snow falling from the sky. It didn't lay down where we are, but looking up the hill you can see the snow line. We got snow falling which is wonderful though. Beautiful German architecture and simple life.

Isn't that where true enjoyment of life is? In the simplicity. Even in the fancy crazy things that we do, I would bet that the thing that makes it so enjoyable is very simple like a person laugh or their smile or beauty. Or a nice conversation with a lovely, soft....

Anyway. Have a wonderful week and I hope the su(o)n shines on you. It is now. Haven't seen it for a couple of weeks. nice to see it now though.

Love

I just want to be loved. That is where I am right now. Life is so confusing. Relationships are so confusing. I feel like I have been messing everything up that I could possibly. But in the end, I just want to be loved.

Yes in a generic way, loved. But also in a more specific way. It sounds completely cheesy, but I want that romantic kind of love. Maybe it is out there for me. I miss it and haven't experienced it in a long time. Go ahead and pick on me for this one. But it is me being honest. Maybe to a fault, but it is what it is.

Processing

I am a verbal processor. I sometimes have many things on my mind and at other times my mind is nice and free to glide. Some things are not really possible to process with other people due to their personal nature or other type of sensitivity. So how as a verbal processor do those things get processed. I don't know.

I have one of those issues right now. Something that I don't feel the freedom to just talk about with anyone, but yet I feel the need to process and think through it. I have sort of stuck myself in my own hard place.

What to do...what to do...

Things that make you happy

I don't know what I am trying to say except that I am happy. I was made to feel special over the last couple days and some relationships have been going very well. So things are going very well. What a wonder a weekend off can be. Have a great day.

More coming in the next couple days. I spent Veterans day in Bastogne and it was a very poignant experience.

Snowing

Well, for the second time this year, it is snowing and has been snowing off and on all day. We probably got an inch, but then it melted. And it has kept on snowing since. It is amazing how pretty quiet it gets when it is snowing and covers everything with white. So pure and new. it just makes you feel fresh. Get some good sleep and I will be set.

We still got some white stuff on the ground, but mostly it is just falling right now. I have broken the Christmas music out and am enjoying it with the snow and a glass of wine that I had earlier. What a wonderful afternoon. I love snow and mixing it with the fall colours that are out are amazing.

Have a wonderfully beautiful day.

Why do I Blog?

What a question. Sometimes I am not sure that I know the answer to this question. Lately I have been wondering if I am a negative blogger. That definitely makes me curious. I think that I can be, because there isn't always a lot to process about positive things and I use blogging to process. But that doesn't mean that it is a good way to do things.

Maybe I blog to share things, or maybe I just want to know that people out there in cyberspace just may have an inkling of understanding. Most of all, I think I just process in blogging and that is mostly my only purpose in doing so. This post is part of that and I am striving not to talk negatively even though I am having a crappy day.

Peace all.

Movies

I watched 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' tonight. I started out laughing, but as the movie went on, I just got bored. I think I know it too well. I also think that the movie has become funnier to quote than to watch. I love quoting the movie or hearing others quote the movie. We laugh out loud as we just go back and forth.

I wonder how many movies are like that. Movies known so well that the talking about them is the funny part.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost

Missing ?

I seem to just be sort of eh today. I feel this longing for something. Usually when I feel this I know what it is that I am missing. Lately it has been a feeling of loneliness and missing over not having a special relationship and a special someone to love and share life with.

Also, I have at many times missed family and friends back in the US. My family that goes through changes or my friends that are getting married or just living life. These are people that know me and have known me for a long time. There is a comfort there that isn't always here.

Many times I just miss the states. I grew up and lived there for 28 years. I miss the ease of communication. I miss that little jazz club where I go to listen to some nice jazz for the evening. I miss dressing up and going into the city for dinner. I miss those coffee shops that I could just sit in for hours and their name wasn't Starbucks. I miss live music.

Right now though, I don't know what I miss. I have that feeling of missing something today, but I cannot put my finger on what it is that I miss. This is all very ubiquitous and I am not sure that it makes any sense, but I have this sense of missing something and longing that I can't define. Maybe I am missing something that can't be defined. Maybe I am missing missing something. :-)

Anyway, I wonder if anything good comes from missing something.

Intelligence

Have you noticed that depending on what you are doing or drinking may affect how intelligent the conversation is?

Example, if you are out at a cafe with some friends drinking some coffee there is a good chance that whatever you are talking about will be deep and/or educated.

If you are listening to jazz, also a good chance for reserved but educated conversation.

A glass of wine, good conversation.

Soda or rock music could most likely be a lighter topic and more humorous things.

Just thinking...with a cup of coffee.

Can I change?

"Where there is pain
Let there be grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Help them be brave
Where there is misery
Bring expectancy
And surely we can change"

Serendipity

A fortunate accident. Hm, makes you think. How often do we miss those little signals that we get sent. I think that the all-powerful maker that loves us so much also enjoys sending us signals. Those little signs to warm our day or make us feel special. Maybe they give us direction or just keep us going steady. I am glad that they are there.

Serendipity also is close to the word serenity. Mm.

Why is it hard?

Do you think that you make a difference? Do you see others making a bigger difference than you. Maybe you just perceive it that way. I don't know but it is right there for me. I wish that the difference I am making was more visible. It would provide real encouragement for me. I need encouragement, but it doesn't always come and I just have to persevere.

I also wish that I was thought of. When people were doing something, it would be wonderful if I was included, but I just got to push off on my own. I hate being on my own. Life just stinks sometimes.

30

Seems like such a big number. But it is really only a number. And birthdays are funny anyway. You don't feel any different than the day before, but it is definitely celebrated. There are many different reactions from people. You have your friends and family that genuinely want to wish you a happy birthday.

Then you have THOSE people. These are the people that just found out that you are turning 30. They come up to you and say Happy Birthday while cackling and laughing at you. They think that 30 is a funny number and indicates oldness or something. Is it fun to make fun of someone on their birthday.

My birthday started off rough because or some events that created problems. But as the day went on, it got better. My guys sang happy birthday and then grabbed me and threw me into the creek outside the house. It was awesome and refreshing. A great sign of love. Then the dorm across the street brought something over for me. A present and card. Very nice. Girls can be so original and cheesy. It is so fun.

So my birthday ended up much better than it started out. Yeah!

Disappointment

How to deal with disappointment. Recently, I was sitting an heard an annoucement. It was something that I had known nothing about but it affected me. The announcement basically said that something I had been doing over the last year, I would no longer be able to do. It was something that I greatly enjoyed and found enormous fulfillment in. And I won't have the opportunity to do it this year.

Now this profoundly affected me in an unexpected way. I actually had to walk out and be by myself to collect myself. Now I have to experience the consequences of the decision every week and go through the same disappointment again.

Don't know what to do.

Why do I do what I do

I have been thinking hard lately and really disappointed with how and who I am. I am frustrated with my inadequacies and annoyed with my stupidity. Why am I not a better person. At the same time, I should be frustrated with my thinking along with my actions. Thinking that I am bad doesn't help whether or not I am bad. I need to change my actions and think positively. I am very self critical so this is what I get many times. So I spend a couple days irked at myself. Those are days when it is hard to take criticism from others.

Lots to work on here. Sometimes I am amazed that people actually hang with me and like me.

...Maybe they don't.

Trust

How does trust work? Can it be instantaneous? How do you redevelop trust? These are some things that I have been thinking about lately. Trust is a hard thing, because many times it needs to be earned. But what about when it is damage. As someone whose trust of another person is damage, how do you yourself re-establish that trust? I am not sure that is even possible. But maybe there are ways. Maybe they aren't human ways...

Welp,
Life goes on and as it does sometimes you need some time. Tonight I have been sitting in front of a fire listening to jazz. Something so soothing and therapeutic about that. Someone said this week that there are two things that people can look at for long periods of time: fire and the ocean. I think that they are right.

Have you ever been in a time when you just need someone to talk to. But you don't want to put yourself out there. Right now I am thinking hard and would love to just think out loud to someone, but I don't want to ask. I can't explain why. Maybe I want to feel loved and cared for. I don't know and when I write it out like this, it doesn't make any sense. Either way, I am sitting here wishing that someone would sit down next to me and talk, but no dice.

Where I am emotionally hasn't changed over the last couple of days. Life is good though.

People and Love

What are people like? What make some gravitate towards certain people as opposed to others. I am not a big watcher of people but I am a reader of people. Some people like to be around people. Some people like to sleep on others. Different guys hang around different girls. The psychosis behind it fascinates me.

That being said, I feel lonely now. Many times I am very content with being single, but now is not that time. Not that I have anyone in mind, but I just long for that relationship with someone special. I pray that it will happen some day, but don't know when. Either way, sometimes it is hard and I wish for those things that I do not have.

Never quite know what to do about these times and emotions.

Airplane comradery

I think that it is interesting the relationships that you develop with people sitting next to you on the plane. There may be a long conversation with the person sharing life stories. There could simply be some laughing about some things. There could just be the body language of sitting next to each other in small seats. An unwritten conversation about who sits where and who gets the armrest. Either way, for a few hours, they become your automatic friend.

They can bring smiles into your life or uncomfortableness. It really depends on both of you.

Schindler's List

Well, I just got done watching Schindler's list. Wow, what a beautiful movie. It is shot so wonderfully, the music is incredible. How can a story that is so hard be so beautiful? Have of the time you want to cry and the other half you are in awe of the beauty.

How can people be so cruel? So heartless. What is the cure? Love.

Right now in the Sudan, a genocide is going on that is killing more people that the holocaust killed. Just something to think about.

Feelings

Still my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time
My time has come
Let me in
Unlock the door
I never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I’ve waited all these years
For you I’d wait till kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn’t change a single thing
And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know what I’ve become

For you I’d wait till kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
-Coldplay

Thoughts

If you could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’d ever need?
Or is there more I’m looking for

And should I read between the lines
And look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want?

‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put you on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard child?
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side
‘Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood

Because money cannot buy
A husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife
-Derek Webb

Things that make me smile

I have found that there are things that make me go 'Ah' but not externally, internally. Things like biting into a Chic-Fil-A chicken sandwich, or listening to incredibly gifted musicians play live jazz. Talking to those people that you know care for you and watching them get excited about the things that excite you. Non-humid weather. Going to a baseball game on a beautiful evening and relaxing.

Those things are just good for me and make me more deeply happier than some things. Now that I think about it, a Chic-Fil-A sandwich is good, but I don't think that it should be on this list. It made me smile, but not that much. For some it would be on this list, but not me.

Anyway, what does this for you. Simple things, people, music, what is it for you?

Ahh

Jazz. How I love jazz. I had the privilege of watching a quartet play tonight and they were very good. I haven't seen live music in a while and it was a pleasure to see this. Tim Warfield and Papa John DeFrancesco starred this night. What an enjoyable time of chilling and hearing some fantastic musicians. Wow, I hope to hear more before I head back to Europe.

evila llits m'I

Yup, here I am after all this time. What to talk about? Changes. Everything is changing. I came back to the states and 3 families I know are moving into new houses. There are 4 weddings of good friends of mine. Babies are being born everywhere. Life goes on and wonderful things keep happening to wonderful people.

Also, bad things happen. Some people have died over the year. Others have lost jobs and had conflicts of a less that happy time.

All this to say that life goes on. It is hard and it is good. We just got to be there for each other as much as we can and realize that God is there for us. Peace all.

Thanks

I wish that I was more appreciative. It is funny that we only tell people how much we appreciate them when we are put in an environment where we are told to. That is not always true, but it definitely is true for me more than I want it to be.

So...I appreciate you all. This goes to all those people that I know...not everyone out in the big wide internet.

In Deutsch

Ich spreche ein bisschen Deutsch.

Ich heisse in Marzell, Deutschland.

Ich liebe alles.

Es ist ein schön tag!

Schlaft gut!

I'm irked

I am irritated today. Bad stuff started when I woke up and it keeps happening. It is frustrating. I feel like I am stuck in this cycle. I wish I good go to sleep, wake up again and start over. I need to end this, but things keep happening. And I am getting more and more irritated.

And then it starts. I get irritated at myself for being irritated. Grrr. I don't really know what to do with this. I just need to...I don't know. Maybe be totally emo and write a song about it. Dashboard Confessional part 2.

If people only knew me...

Here I am again, in this place again...

It has been a pensive day or so. Thinking about why I do the things I do, say the things I say and hide things. Scared is part of it. I don't know, I don't really have anything figured out. And I don't want people to judge me. People will or won't whether or not I want them to. But I say something and come out sounding much sure about it than I actually am.

I put on this guise to keep myself sounding sure. I don't know though and many of the things that I say are some of the things that I struggle with most. It is hard. I want to be open but to be open is to be hurt. I want people to respect me so I stay out of their way. And in the end I am no better for it.

I have my thoughts but do people really want to know them. Am I really worth their time? The answer should be yes, but it isn't. What is this all about? My incredible and utterly inept brokenness.

And I can't fix it.

Processing

It seems that many times I can deal with stuff better if I write it out. It is just a different medium for me and although I am not great at it, I do speak English so I can write it. Many times this comes out in this blog. Although not as much recently as used to.

Anyway, yesterday the 3 month old girl of two friends of mine that I work with here in Germany passed away. She had a heart condition since birth, yet this was not the most expected thing. I can't even imagine the pain that the parents are going through. I have had another couple that were friends lose their baby in the first year.

Death is such a funny thing. There is fear in some ways. There is joy in some ways. But there is always pain. Great pain that can't totally be understood except by the people that are going through it.

Mourning. Grieving. Crying. Weeping.

So how is the response supposed to go of someone close to them but not part of the loss. There is nothing that can be said. No words are appropriate for this. They never are. There is something that is deeper that I wish could be expressed. I haven't found anyway words recently. Just a hug and being there. That's all that I can figure.

In the end, I don't know.

Life Changes

Welp, here I am. This blog has definitely been lacking over the past while. It is funny how busyness and Facebook affect these things. Oh well. I am not quitting on it and thought that I would give a real update.

After the time coming up right before break and going to Romania, this week I have actually had a chance to chill for a bit and catch up on things like lots of emails and other stuff. I am also listening to Plans by Death Cab which seems like the perfect album for reflection.

A lot has happened over the past year which has involved a complete change of scenery and continent. I never thought that I would be in Europe and get to experience some fantastic things. Neither did I expect that the position that I would hold over here would be as challenging as it it. This has caused a lot of self reflection and with that comes change. Change of myself. I knew that it would happen before I came but that doesn't make it easier. These are life changing moments and I have the privilege of being able to recognize that I am in the middle of them. Life changes never stop happening, but sometimes we are resistant.

I wonder what the next ones will be for me.

Squirrels attack

Hilarious music video.

Romania

Man, this is already quite the week experiencing Romania. I feel so greedy and selfish as an American when I see things like this. I am definitely right in the middle of processing. Don't know what is the appropriate response.

I believe in a thing called love

Well, I did it. I joined facebook. Under intense social pressure I bowed to the demands. I really am not sure what I did, but I have 14 friends already in 2 days. I feel special.

Not really, I am not sure of the purpose of this website. I don't know what to do with it or how to be satisfied. So I will just have fun with it. Call it a 'Facebook Experiment.'

It is sunny and warm here in Germany. What a beautiful place. Also if anyone knows cheap travel websites, let me know.

Hugs

I got two hugs today, neither one asked for. One made me stop what I was doing to give me a hug. Both said I looked like I needed it.

You know what, I did and these acts lifted my day. They made me feel better and the day turned out better than it started. Isn't it neat how a simple act can do that?

And I think that physical contact does help. I think that we as humans need it. It makes us feel wanted...loved...

Movies

I just watched two of my favorite movies yesterday. The first was Gladiator. I have really enjoyed this movie for a while, but haven't never realized how much. I think I realized that yesterday while watching it for the first time in a long time. In the end I was thinking that it is probably my favorite movie ever.

The other was the classic Princess Bride. Another one of my favorites. And so many quotable lines. And I forgot that Count Rugan's first name is Tyrone. He also is in 'This is Spinal Tap.' Anyway, another movie I love and I am realizing that this post has no point.

Oops, sorry.

This stinks

I am sick. I hate being sick. It stinks. And there is nothing that you can do about it. It is also a bit rougher when you live in a house with 29 teenagers. Anyway, I have slept pretty much all day and may head back to bed soon.

Do you think that being sick is a good thing? Why do we get sick? Maybe there is some hidden treasure in being sick. We get rest, we usually eat healthier and we just try to be calm. Maybe there are other reasons.

What is love?

Can any of us answer that question? Maybe some people have experienced it. Others maybe never have. We should love each other, but what does that really mean. There is romantic love, there is love of a family. There is love amongst friends.

What does it all mean? How do each of these things present themselves in daily life? What if you haven't experienced one of these things? Does that mean that you have yet to fully understand love? I don't feel like I understand love. It seems complicated and chocked with expectation and let-down.

What happens when we don't feel love? That seems like the big question and I think it causes us to act differently.

I just am not sure what all this is about. I try, but I don't necessarily understand what I am trying. Maybe one day I will. It just feels like a void now.

Man, am I glad that there is grace.

Who was that?

I think that it is amazing how things are connected in our minds. We see something or hear something and a situation or person comes to mind. More specifically for this instance is movies. Recently I watched 'Newsies' I have not seen that movie in a while and remembered that I enjoyed. Little did I know that while watching it I would be reminded of a certain person from my past. It sent me down memory lane remembering things that happened and lovely events that occurred with an old friend.

Other movies do that too. 'A Beautiful Mind', 'Braveheart', 'Tombstone' All of these were seen with people that I fondly remember. A nice bit of nostalgia on a February evening.

Yuk

Goodbyes...I hate them, but they are necessary. You need that closure with all of this stuff. Especially when you work with someone in an emotionally stress-filled state. Why do people create deeper relationships in stress-filled places. We hear stories of people that fought in wars by each other and the bond that is created. Maybe it is because we rely more on others in those hard times. I don't know.

In other news, man, I don't like the Colts. I really really don't like them. I am also totally sick of Peyton Manning. Maybe now that they won the Super Bowl, I will stop hearing about Peyton all the time and how perfect he is. It was a bad game last night and I am not sure that it was worth staying up till 4.30 am for the game. I am feeling it today.

Pain

I have been reading about pain lately. How we view it as a problem but in many ways it is a great blessing. It lets us know if our body is not okay. If our hand gets hot we pull it away from fire and don't get burned. If we cut ourselves, it hurts so we helped to heal it. Did you know why we blink? Because there are tiny pain receptacles that tell us that our eyes are dry.

Without these things, we have infections, blindness and many more problems. But yet we hate pain. I know that I don't like it, but I have to admit that I have never thought of it as a good thing.

So if physical pain is a blessing, is emotional pain good? I don't know, but it is hard. What about emotional pain could be good? Currently I can only think of one thing. Emotional pain means that I can feel. I can't imagine not being able to feel. It is feeling that is such a big part of my humanity. But are there are good things to emotional pain?

It has been a while

Man, have I been busy. I haven't had time to write emails or to blog. Right now I am blogging and neglecting emails. Oh my.

Anyway, most of you know that I am in Germany. I have been here for the last half year or so. Recently, there was a situation at home which involved the death of a relative. This was a very difficult thing for me. I was all the way over here and my family needed support. I wasn't able to be there it give it to them. That is a really hard thing.

I really love my family and want to help them however I can and when they are hurting and I can't do anything, it is helpless. I don't like feeling helpless. I think they have made it through, but that was tough and I still wish I could have helped.

I am a Pacifist

I think. Actually I am not sure, but it is the closest that I have been to one yet in my life. I just have run out of reasons where violence is justified as the solution. I don't see how violence promotes peace. The only way it does that seems to be by fear.

It seems like we continue to waste time and money in Iraq. Do you know that the US has spent around 1 trillion dollars on the war? Couldn't that money have been better used giving the world clean water, food, housing, and preventative health care? We would still probably have a lot left over. Maybe we should sink money into people, not weapons. Maybe, but I don't know.

Now don't get to concerned. I will still support the military and government even if I don't agree with it. I also feel that is something that shouldn't change. The government just brings up a lot of questions in my mind. I just think that it would be hard for people to hate us if we gave them food and water.

But again, I don't know

I have a dream

I was trying to decide whether or not to post this, but I am going to. Here is the whole 'I have a dream' speech from Martin Luther King, Jr. It is an amazing speech and I think that it is worth reading the whole thing every once in a while

"I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But 100 years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men - yes, black men as well as white men - would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check that has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and security of justice. We have also come to his hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end but a beginning. Those who hoped that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their selfhood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating "for whites only." We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no we are not satisfied and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair. I say to you today my friends - so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression,will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification - one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day, this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning "My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my father's died, land of the Pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring!"

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true. And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.

Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado. Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi - from every mountainside.

Let freedom ring. And when this happens, and when we allow freedom ring - when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children - black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics - will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual: "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!""

I wish I knew how to skate

Okay, let me set this situation up for you. It is a cool, crisp evening and we have just driven into Basel, Switzerland. The night is clear and we walk up to an ice skating rink. Lights and ice with the city of Basel in the background along with nice music.

Man, I wish I knew how to skate. Let me reword that. Man, I wish that every time that I went out to skate, I didn't come perilously close to killing myself and then regretting the decision to attempt ice skating for the next month while I heal. That is how bad I am. But the situation was so perfect. Oh well, it just isn't something that works out for me.

And wouldn't it be so much more perfect to have a special someone to share the night of skating with. One of those...Basel in the background, nice warm woman in the foreground...

Okay, Okay, I'll wake up from dreamland.

What would it be like?

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
Nowhere below us
Above only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
-John Lennon

Do you receive love

I have been thinking about this. I wonder if I know how to receive love. Do I think that I am worthy of being loved? What is love? How is it manifested?

A bunch of questions. Some I think that I know the answers to and others I have no idea. What makes one receive love or not receive? Does it depend on how you view yourself? I know that I always don't have the best view of myself so it makes it hard for me to believe that others value me. Not always true, but definitely true some of the time.

I say that I am just analytical and want to make myself better, but I do go too far sometimes. So why? I don't know. I am thinking about it though. Many questions not many answers.

Sometime it just...

The last three weeks have been sucky. The things that I have done haven't been bad. It just has been a band time. Interpersonally it has been hard. Holidays away from everything and everyone that I know has been really hard.

But beyond that it just hasn't been good. There has been conflict and uncomfortable interactions. I don't know if it has been me or there actually is tension, but it seems like there is tension everywhere. It has caused a yucky three weeks in many ways. I don't really know how to put into words how I am feeling, but this is an attempt.

Why can't we just be perfect?

Ugh.