Why do I do what I do

I have been thinking hard lately and really disappointed with how and who I am. I am frustrated with my inadequacies and annoyed with my stupidity. Why am I not a better person. At the same time, I should be frustrated with my thinking along with my actions. Thinking that I am bad doesn't help whether or not I am bad. I need to change my actions and think positively. I am very self critical so this is what I get many times. So I spend a couple days irked at myself. Those are days when it is hard to take criticism from others.

Lots to work on here. Sometimes I am amazed that people actually hang with me and like me.

...Maybe they don't.

Trust

How does trust work? Can it be instantaneous? How do you redevelop trust? These are some things that I have been thinking about lately. Trust is a hard thing, because many times it needs to be earned. But what about when it is damage. As someone whose trust of another person is damage, how do you yourself re-establish that trust? I am not sure that is even possible. But maybe there are ways. Maybe they aren't human ways...

Welp,
Life goes on and as it does sometimes you need some time. Tonight I have been sitting in front of a fire listening to jazz. Something so soothing and therapeutic about that. Someone said this week that there are two things that people can look at for long periods of time: fire and the ocean. I think that they are right.

Have you ever been in a time when you just need someone to talk to. But you don't want to put yourself out there. Right now I am thinking hard and would love to just think out loud to someone, but I don't want to ask. I can't explain why. Maybe I want to feel loved and cared for. I don't know and when I write it out like this, it doesn't make any sense. Either way, I am sitting here wishing that someone would sit down next to me and talk, but no dice.

Where I am emotionally hasn't changed over the last couple of days. Life is good though.

People and Love

What are people like? What make some gravitate towards certain people as opposed to others. I am not a big watcher of people but I am a reader of people. Some people like to be around people. Some people like to sleep on others. Different guys hang around different girls. The psychosis behind it fascinates me.

That being said, I feel lonely now. Many times I am very content with being single, but now is not that time. Not that I have anyone in mind, but I just long for that relationship with someone special. I pray that it will happen some day, but don't know when. Either way, sometimes it is hard and I wish for those things that I do not have.

Never quite know what to do about these times and emotions.

Airplane comradery

I think that it is interesting the relationships that you develop with people sitting next to you on the plane. There may be a long conversation with the person sharing life stories. There could simply be some laughing about some things. There could just be the body language of sitting next to each other in small seats. An unwritten conversation about who sits where and who gets the armrest. Either way, for a few hours, they become your automatic friend.

They can bring smiles into your life or uncomfortableness. It really depends on both of you.