Too Many Weddings

i am not okay being single. i don't like it. i am not content. i feel lonely and missing that relationship that almost all of my friends have. and my family members all have. i was again reminded of my singleness while watching the royal wedding full of glamour and happiness..or so it appeared.

yes i am a bit grumpy about it. but i am single. this is where i am. something i can do things about and not do things about at the same time. so i have to deal. i have to be content. either whine about it or just live life. maybe a bit of both. i don't know why i have this trial, but i have to trust that there is a reason. without that hope, life would be too dark. i can't let thoughts about being unlovable sneak in. that would not help anything.

so this is where i am. i don't like it, but here i am. now that i am at the end i don't see a point. maybe just a need for expression after a really sucky week. although there is no end in sight for any of the trials. ugh. i've been sighing a lot lately.

The Dichotomy of Spirituality

let's face it. spirituality doesn't make sense. that's sort of the point, huh? and Christian spirituality isn't any better. at least for me. especially right now. now is a very difficult time in my life. bitterness, frustration, anger and depression are all emotions that i experience on a weekly basis.

yet this morning i was singing about our God being greater. his name being holy. he being loving and faithful and powerful and many other things. i believed every word. i know these things to be true. i know them not because they make sense but i still know them.

at the same time, i currently feel abandoned. i don't really feel loved or cared for. i feel left on my own to struggle and fail by myself. this is the other side. as negative as the former is positive.

so which is true? both. i can't explain it and wouldn't get anywhere if i tried, but both are true in my heart of hearts. therein lies the dichotomy. at least for me...