12.20.2010

is it that simple?

jesus was once asked what the greatest commandment was. he responded(summary) ---love God, love people. he could have said anything. he could have said go to church, vote republican, don't do this, don't do that. but he didn't. it wasn't a laundry list of things to do. it was simple. simply hard. Love God, love people.

there weren't four spiritual laws, there wasn't the romans road, the colour book didn't exist. no religion, no fancy club to join. just love God love people. why do we always make it complicated? i think that people are drawn to love and the love shown to people.

now don't get me wrong. these four words are incredibly simple. yet...ridiculously hard to live by. i really have simplified my faith over the past year and tried just to live by these four words. although there is no religion to worry about. following these four words is far harder than trying to be religious.

so how are you doing with those four wonderful words?

11.07.2010

what can you do?

I had the privilege to spend this weekend at the mid-Atlantic Orphan Summit. 400 of us talked about how we can help and what we can do about the crisis. It can be overwhelming. There are somewhere around 150 million orphans in this world. Many of them are hurting and unloved. They fall into anything from drugs to crime to slavery, sometimes even as sex slaves.

The horror stories are truly horrific. And when listening to this I was at first just completely overwhelmed. But as the weekend continued, there were two main points that everyone agreed on. The first was that every single person should do something. The second that we should start with just one child at a time.

Everyone needs to get involved in some fashion. There are multiple biblical mandates for this. There are so many ways to get involved, whether from adoption and foster care, or moving into orphan care. Ministries like World Vision and Compassion are great stepping stones into helping out.

Secondly, one child at a time. If we try to fix the entire problem for 150 million people, we will fail immediately. We need to just see how we can start helping. Start with asking questions and educating ourselves. And then see how we can get involved in a small way. We can't get overwhelmed by everything, but we just need to start with one. Changing one life will lead to changing many.

So what can you do? Today is Orphan Sunday. Visit their website. Secondly, I have a way that you can start helping. Visit Forgotten Voices. There are many suggestions of what you can do. Consider joining in helping to change one life at a time.

10.14.2010

Circumstantial Relationships

let's suppose that you are in a relationship. that could be a friendship or dating or even familial relationship. you are close with this other person and you talk all the time and care for each other. one day life takes a drastic turn for you. it turns hard and things get bad. maybe you lose your job , a family member gets sick or dies. maybe you break up with your fiance or you yourself get really sick.

through all of this your friend has done nothing but be there for you and care for you. they haven't always known what to say, but they have loved you. but you decide that you don't like them anymore or maybe you just don't know how to feel about them. so you pull away from the relationship. this person has done nothing to you, but your circumstances have caused you to react in this way.

crazy isn't it.

isn't that what we do with God?

isn't that what i do with God?

my circumstances have changed. they have gotten hard. there is no one to blame it on, but as humans i think we always want to know where to put the blame. so we put the blame on our relationship. we pull back. God has done nothing but love us and care for us, but because of our circumstances, we become apathetic. we hurt a relationship based entirely on our circumstances.

the crazy thing about this. now we have done something to the relationship. we have hurt it. we have caused hurt to one who love and cares for us. and you know what he does...

...continues to love and care for us.

10.03.2010

Back to the Future

let's go back to mid 2004. i had recently ended my job after they were forcing me to move to philly and change my job function. i had strong ties to my church and was really involved and making a difference. therefore i decided to stay in harrisburg.

in spring 2005 i got a three month part time consulting job. in fall 2005 i got a temp job that lasted until germany.

fast forward three years and i am back from germany. no employment until december 2009 and that is only part time which is currently yielding about 4 hours a week.

that's three years of three part time jobs. now not to discount germany because it changed my life, but i have tried to live respectfully and follow where i believe i am led.

i just can't do this. multiple job rejections a week and lack of steady employment. i don't know how to deal with so much hardship. and continual feelings of being let down. i'm broken and struggling with no encouragement and what feels like abandonment.

ugh. here i am in the future and the past doesn't have much hope.

9.29.2010

thimbels

when you don't have anything nice to say, you should say anything at all. it's not been a good week and any post on a subject would just not be a good thing to put on this internet. so some random tidbits.

i commented on don miller's blog and the moderator deleted my comment. what's up with that! it wasn't offensive or anyting. a bit disagreeing but who are they?

art - is following directions to make something art? i do not believe so. i feel that art happens when one uses their mind to create something new, not just copy and follow.

photography - it is really hard to get that sunset shot. either the background is colorless or the foreground is black. it has taken me 10 or so minutes at times to get the right shot.

do all these politicians really hate each other that much? that is what their ads say.

i love 'much ado about nothing'

i am glad that it is turning to fall.

have a great week. i mean that sincerely. i don't know who reads this, but if you are, I really hope that your week is special in an unexpected way.

9.16.2010

LOVE - the finale

loves...?
loves his BFA guys
loves Muslims
loves teenagers
loves the weather we've had this week
loves the smell of fresh cut grass
loves that loving makes for positivity rather than negativity
loves air conditioning
loves grace

that finished up my august LOVE experiment. i have to admit. when it was a rough day, it was really hard to come up with something. some of the things were deep, some weren't. they all were true and the thing that most pleasantly surprised me was that by using the word love and not bashing something else led to positive comments. it seems to disarm peoples negativity a bit.

so i am going to keep going. not every day, but at least once a week. although i love many things, i am not love. i know someone who is. whether or not i feel it or believe it all the time, it is true. God is LOVE. it has to be true. there is no point without it. and let me tell you, i don't feel it right now. but i am clinging to it.

so LOVE.

PS.
loves laughing
loves the chance he is getting to change the lives of some wonderful people
loves volleyball
loves homemade cappuccinos on a rainy day
loves fall.

9.07.2010

the church's forgotten

i have come to realize that there is a section of the population that is greatly ignored and forgotten about when it comes to churches. i am realizing this due to being in the group. churches love programs. we have programs for everything.

we have the christian ed program that covers kids from nursery to 6th grade. in 6th grade we hand them off to youth ministry where they stay till twelfth. after that they go off to college for four years. churches are very happy to welcome them back into the fold and also others that have moved into the area. if you have married, great they will through you in with some other young marrieds that maybe have very young children. if not, that is okay because you are still young and full of vigor and churches want to help you mature in whatever you mature in.

but realistically, by the time you are 25 to 30, you should be married so it is time to move into family small groups and sunday school where you learn to become a better parent, husband, wife or all around good person. then you are helped when you have kids graduate college and hopefully are in church leadership as you look to retirement. all well and good(well it may not even be good)...

except...

me. i haven't gotten married. i am in my thirties. i need community just like anyone else, but nobody knows what to do with me. there aren't many like me, so maybe we can just be ignored. maybe there is a 'singles' group that has people mostly in their 40s and 50s who have never married or are maybe divorced. i don't fit there so nothing happens.

i am the church's forgotten.

8.31.2010

politics

politics is a rare breed. it is amazing how best of friends can turn fight-to-the-death duelers when discussing politics. they can discuss virtually anything else and remain calm and jovial, but throw in words like republican, democrat, conservative and liberal and the gloves are off.

recently, i made a foray into some political discussions over the course of the day. i wasn't meaning to attack anyone, but in mentioning a disagreement with a political person they revered, it was like attacking their own family. this is what politics does. and i am not sure why. either way, after a day of weighing into debates, i was a bit annoyed with myself for having been drawn into passionate discourses.

so i withdrew. not that i don't think that some of these discussions are important, but because there is just to much passion wrapped in all of this. For this non-republican, non-democrat, non liberal, non-conservative, it is better just to stay on the sidelines and listen. i definitely have my ideas, but others hold quite dearly to theirs and happiness is more important than having your own idea heard.

at least most of the time...

8.23.2010

the LOVE experiment.

the past few.

loves going new places
loves reconnecting with friends
loves sunsets
loves the beach
loves you
loves coffee
loves the daily show
loves football (both kinds)
loves camping
loves rain
loves Germany
loves Herbie Hancock - the IMAGINE project
loves the fresh soreness after a hard run
loves that he gets the honor and privilege to sing and worship with Jenn and Kim at Grace Bible Chapel

Those have been the last many. Sort of all over the board. One thing I have noticed is that positive statuses lead to positive comments. Nothing to bicker over when you talk about things you like. Those are just things you like, not life or death. if we talked to people about the things we like about them i bet conversations would many times be different. also if we concentrated on the things we like about people, we would look more fondly on everyone.

also, i have stuck to this. there have been days that I haven't felt like it. a rough day where something bad happened and i was thinking about all that was wrong. it was tough at times to come up with something, yet i always have. it makes you realize that many things are going well at the time that things are rough.

we shall see where this leads next.

love somebody

8.05.2010

love

too many things are bringing us down. life can be hard. sucky things happen. so to counteract this and my own get caught in this swirl, i am doing something.

it is sort of a combined technology thing. every day hopefully for the month of august, i am going to put in my facebook status something that i love about life. something good about what is going on in this world. just a way to bring my mind to wonderful things and maybe getting you to think wonderful things.

My first two have been:
loves Forgotten Voices.
loves jazz.

I don't know where this leads me, but am ready to ride the ride.

Peace Aus!

7.28.2010

vacation

i'm back. after a very busy july where i haven't been in the state most of the time, i thought i would send out a blog. i was out in kansas for a week and it got me thinking about vacations.

why do vacations work? what is it about them that refreshes us? my outlook on work after i came back was much happier. it just makes me wonder. something in our brains just changes tune when we remove ourselves from the places that cause us stress. yes, that stress is still there, but we have gone away from it for a while. we are doing something else that takes our minds off of the hardship.

but are physical vacations the only things that work. could we just do emotional vacations? what about spiritual vacations? could we step away from the things that cause emotional stress in our lives. can we take mini emotional vacations every week? just to refresh us.

spiritual vacations. is that even an actual thing? are we taking a vacation from our spirituality or are we just creating an environment where we refresh ourselves spiritually? just gets me thinking. how can i create those mini-vacations that help to keep me refreshed?

7.08.2010

moments

it moves..it stops...it slows and speeds.

it actually goes the same all the time, but it seems to fly or go tortuously slow. in those fast times how do we pull every bit of wonderfulness out of those monents. life is made out of moments. a journey of moments. a journey is probably my favorite way to describe life and living and yet all these little moments and glimpses make up that journey.

some we miss because we are too busy with ourselves. others we wish that we would miss. but all of these moments have a part to contribute to our lives. they make us who we are. parts of us would be missing without them.

and you know what. i am thankful for them. god has blessed me with these moments, good and bad. he is making me into a unique person to do his work. sometimes it is hard to be thankful for some moments, but they do have an undeniable impact on who we are.

7.01.2010

little blessings

well, an infamous time is upon me. it has been a year since i have been back from germany. the year has been full of heartache, pain, rejection and many other hardships. to lay it straight. it has sucked.

a pretty depressing way to lead off. i know, but there is light ahead in your reading. yes my overall situation is less than fun and has brought a lot of pain, BUT. buts are usually bad yet this time it is good. in fact maybe i should use the word 'yet' as my transition word. doesn't have the negative connotation. enough of grammar.

i have noticed over the past little while that it seems that there are little blessings coming my way. for example, this year mark, i knew would be emotional hard for me, yet on the weekend of the mark, i get to see a dear friend from colorado that is passing through. with him and other bfa friends, i will experience a weekend of happiness.

some other recent little blessings. i got to boston to see some dear friends and be loved on. i went to albany to talk about and help the lives of people far more disadvantaged than i. having a weekend of minute to minute reminders that the world is so much bigger than us is good.

and the blessings will keep coming with the ability to go to a wedding of two dear friends. thank you, mind the gap, for this ability.

so these little gaps come and make life just a bit more survivable. overall, still really hard and hurting but a breath of fresh air every once in a while.

are there little blessings in your life?

6.23.2010

matters of importance

I have been gone for a bit sorry about that. but one of the reasons is that i have had the opportunity to be involved in something really important. changing the lives of children orphaned by AIDS. I had the chance to travel and represent an amazing organization, Forgotten Voices. I was at an event that a church in new York threw for their youth.

That event changed the course of 500 children's lives in southern Africa. the whole weekend i was reminded about how big this world is and how much it isn't about me. a really good reminder. so we raised money for pastors in Zimbabwe and Zambia to use to positively impact their communities for good.

it was just so neat and refreshing to be a part of something so good and to know that my service was making a difference for God in this world. i am so thankful to get the chance to serve.

now if i can just get 9 people to come together with me.

6.01.2010

so many ideas

lots of things buzzing through my head right now.
a swirling mix of thoughts
my brain trying to escape the chaos
clarity of glasses held aloft.

some random poetry for you.

i have decided recently that people need to be nicer to each other. there is a lot of hate going around. many people hate the president or the government. others can't stand a sports team or player.

some don't like their neighbors and walk through the mall at christmas and one of the last things you see will be love. this saddens me. what saddens me more is that i act out of anger. i direct hate towards others. i don't do it often, yet i do it. we all do.

so lets start loving not hating. and that means me. this change starts with myself. so less anger and hate and more kindness and love.

except, of course, the steelers. :-)

5.23.2010

give me some love

we need love, it is built into our humanness to be loved and to love. our heart starves and in some ways shrinks when we are not loved. in the same way, we are energized when we are loved. our hearts come alive and bring our spirits with them.

i feel like the same thing happens when we love others. it energizes us. we are called to love. we are called to serve. it is a great thing to give to others what we need ourselves.

either way, i have been loved and valued this weekend. it has been good for my soul.

5.13.2010

slow down, you move too fast

recently i was watching a bird walk across the lan. the first thought in my head was questioning why the bird was choosing to walk when it could fly. then i realized that it was most likely looking for food. it was looking for the little things. if it had just flown right by, it would have missed so many things, but in choosing to slow down and walk, a whole world opened up to it.

i wonder how often we just fly right by in a hurry to get to the next thing. maybe if we purposefully slowed down, a whole different wonder would be right before our eyes waiting to be enjoyed.

so, you got to make this moment last and you might as well feel groovy.

5.07.2010

communication

i'm sitting here in a cafe in downtown lancaster. got some pete yorn coming through my headphones and just enjoying myself. i'm thinking about community and communication. right now i would like nothing more to be conversing with someone and developing a deeper relationship. or maybe even starting a new one. but i'm not.

and i have a feeling that i don't look very approachable either. sitting here, typing on my computer, with headphones in my ears. it would take a remarkably gutsy person to walk up to me and start a conversation. now i am not necessarily trading anything, but i am communicating over the internet. not exactly the closest and deepest form of communication. in fact, a very safe venue.

or is it? see the things is, i seem to expect the same thing out of electronic communication that i do out of face to face. if i say something to you, you will respond because it is how it works, but over the internet it doesn't work that way. we can hide behind our computers and not respond to others. i do it all the time. i'll read an email and then 2 weeks later realize that i haven't responded to this person. not good.

or you have facebook where there may or may not be any communication, but we are looking at other's profiles without interacting with them. that seems even more backwards.

well, although this is the mode i am in now, i can tell you that i would love nothing more than to have that face to face conversation. i think that most of us want that. so what's holding us up?

probably people typing on computers, listening to their headphones.

4.27.2010

Hope with no end

HOPE - it may just be the thing that holds everything together. without it what do we have? i wonder what it is to feel a complete and utter lack of hope. in anything. we have to hope. as humans i don't think that we can live without hope. no matter how hopeless a situation is, there must be hope. to lose hope is well...to lose everything.

"faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

i think that we tend to concentrate on the second part of that statement. but the first may hold the power of hope. to be sure of what i hope for means that i must hope in something. whatever it is, i must hope in something. the lack of hope becomes the lack of faith. faith in the good, faith in humanity. faith in this life meaning more than just a bunch of cells.

so no matter how hopeless a situation is, i have never lost hope and am very thankful for that.

4.26.2010

beauty in tragedy

tonight i was watching a part from 'Band of Brothers' this was the part that focused on the medic and bastogne. in some ways it is a hard part to watch but there are also beautiful moments. first off, it being about war, it is ugly. war is hell and there isn't much that one can say is good about war, if anything. through the bombings and gunfights, there was a quiet serenity at nights with the snow falling.

snow falling against bloodshed. something that wipes the world clean and brings a quiet. the horrible tragedy was still occurring but the beauty never stopped. no matter what, there is beauty. this makes me think about humanity. there are so many things that are ugly about us. things that cause us to go to war. things that cause divorce and bitterness in the relationships with those around us.

but...

there is also a beauty. a beauty in the goodness that drives us to give to others and empathy that causes us to love each other. and the best thing of all.

beauty will overcome the tragedy.

4.14.2010

a thought here...a thought there

many thoughts have been going through my head. i don't know how to put them down or what to say, but here goes.

-i have been intrinsically aware of my singleness over the past couple of days. along with this has come a longing for this to no longer be the case. a longing to walk through this journey with someone else. to share my life and experiences. to have someone who values me and loves me in my worst and my best. i am 32 and it is getting harder and harder to stay content in this area.

- i don't feel like my life situation has changed in the last 6 months. people ask what's new. i don't have anything. nothing changed and that is hard because i am not content or happy with where i am. i definitely acknowledge that the last sentence is a problem and leads to thought number three.

- i am starting to wonder if christians massively misunderstand prayer. these things that we view as promises are a big misinterpretation of scripture.i have arrived at this conclusion because of the walks and struggles i have had since i moved back from germany. i feel like i have ended up in one spot. either the bible isn't true or we misunderstand the words on the pages.

i know that last statement was heavy, but that has been a true reaction and pondering.

4.06.2010

spring has come.. oh wait maybe summer.

we have been enjoying a beautiful spring with some rain and sun and nice temps. until today and tomorrow. they are in the upper 80s. as one who does not enjoy the summer weather as much, i would prefer to get back to spring.

spring is a time of newness of rebirth. the earth comes out of the cold and snowy winter and bursts into life. sometimes i wonder if there are seasons of our hearts and lives. our lives are journeys and these have different phases. i think that this can be looked at in a micro or macro way. in a week you may see all four seasons. maybe even in a day.

but there are also the bigger movements of our lives. the year that feels like winter. or the wonderful experience that lasts for a while that constantly reminds us of spring. many times during the year, you may here people saying that they wish it were another season. most commonly in winter yearning for spring. i myself don't really like summer so i am usuallly longing for fall. but all of the seasons are important to the earth and the places that we live.

as with the physical seasons, i believe that these seasons of our lives are important. although we may wish for them to be over, it would be loss of hope to not assume that the circumstances were important. i just hope that i can learn to realize that.

3.29.2010

Rela-nity

community...relationship. both are centered around the same thing of one broken human interacting with another broken human. different people need it to differing degrees.

for me, i know that i need it to a great degree. in fact, it is the hardest part of my current situation for me. not the lack of a full time job or a place to live. it is not having those to be in relationship with and share our lives.

what is community for you? is it important to you? do you feel like you need it or are you quite satisfied? let me know what you are thinking.

3.22.2010

life to the tune of james taylor.

There's a song that they sing when they take to the highway
A song that they sing when they take to the sea
A song that they sing of their home in the sky
Maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep
But singing works just fine for me


do you have a song? is your life a song? i think that mine is. if so, i hope that i take it to the highway and the sea. where am i in my song? am i singing it or is someone else writing it for me? i hope that i am writing it.

right now it feels like it is written in the minor key. plodding and dark and mysterious. will it suddenly brighten up like the chorale in beethoven's 9th? i guess my song has multiple movements. there are so many ways to think about this.

...i wonder in what movement my song becomes a duet...

3.13.2010

rain

well, this looks like the third post in a week. i better be careful or this might become a pattern.

we got some rain yesterday and we are getting a lot today. sometimes it is coming down hard, other times it is just drizzling. right now it is pouring. as i look out the windows of the cafe, i am thrust into thought. i like the rain. i didn't always. i never minded the rain, but it wasn't until living in germany and encountering day upon day of rain that i developed a fondness for it. i like it because it calms things. it slows things down. it quiets. it washes and cleans. it floods and takes away. it now reminds me of germany.

to have a cup of coffee, a glass of wine and be in front of a fire reading a book and listening to jazz. ah, that is refreshing. soul soothing. sometimes i wish it would rain in my heart and soul. to wash away the dirt and make it calm and quiet. to pull me out of myself and wash me towards love and grace.

PS. as i sit here and write this i wish that you would walk through that door. you, a dear friend that i long to talk to, but you live elsewhere. colorado, wisconsin, texas, germany, minnesota, ireland, and spread many other places. may god bless all of you.

3.12.2010

stream

not really sure what to write about which means i probably shouldn't but maybe i will try this stream of consciousness style. so here goes...

have you ever noticed that life keeps going? we wish it would slow down in those amazing and special times. we wish it would skip or speed up in the hard and painful times. time doesn't seem to listen, it just goes. it doesn't try to be hurtful or to rush our lives. it is steady, reliable and always...on-time.

so how do we react. should we relish the pain or suckiness? should we breeze through that amazing little glimpse of beauty? those are the times i would love time to stop and just relax. the beauty. whether it is the walk outside amongst the hills or the cup of coffee with that amazing person across the table.

they say that there is beauty in pain, but i am not sure that we can see that in the middle of the trial. it seems that the beauty shows itself when we look back on the pain and uncover the layers of dirt and tears. the beauty is there, but much harder to find. usually more beautiful that the good times, but still hard.

our lives just keep going. the falls and rises and moves of the painter. i just hope that a bright colour is going to start soon.

3.06.2010

the movement of life

though weighed down in breath, is lightened by love.

life can be described by many things. it can be a journey, it can be a symphony. it can be a struggle, or a joy. many of these are just moments in life. or maybe life is just a movement of a symphony that is so much bigger than us.

this movement goes up and down. it grows and settles, it hurries and slows. one thing that slows it is breath. the daily routine of life. it is steady and doesn't alter, we go through the same things every day. It is part of the rhythm of life and it can weigh us down. we can easily get bogged down with the little routines and lose sight of the larger movement.

what can pulls us out of this daily dirge? love. it can lighten our day and make us realize that there are things much bigger than us and our days going on. it guides us toward the big picture and pulls us out of our daily grind and into thinking about how we can add to the beautiful movement that is life.

so what can you do to add to the beautiful movement of life?

2.24.2010

cynicism

Conan O'Brien, on the last night of his show, before NBC kicked him out made this quote.

"All I ask of you, especially young people...is one thing. Please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism; it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen."

I have been thinking a lot about this. Why? Primarily because in many ways, i am a cynic. I don't like to label myself that way, but it is true. I am. I tend to look through cynical eyes. Not really at the world that I directly interact with, but the larger world out there. So while I am not cynical towards the people that i know, I can be very cynical towards government and media and many of those larger groups.

And on top of that, for the most part, I agree with Conan. I think that he is right. Cynicism does not lead anywhere. It only traps us in a spiral of dis-enjoyment. In the worse case, it just leads to apathy. Now while I am no where near apathetic, I do see that in myself every once in a while.

So how do I change? What steps can I take towards being less cynical? I am not sure, but I am sure that acknowledging it is a good step into the process. So we shall see where it goes.

2.15.2010

walking on sunshine

today is one of those days where i am reminded of my relationary status or shall we say, lack of relationary status. it is something that i don't usually dwell on but at the same time don't enjoy. i am in my thirties and have walked through a good portion of my adult life alone.

it is harder than i wish it was, but at the same time i have done things that i am pretty sure i would not have done if i was married. i always thought that i would be married pretty close to after college, but that has not happened.

so when will i 'walk on sunshine'? will it ever happen? i don't know, maybe it will, maybe it won't. i do know that i have a great desire for it to happen. but that doesn't really count or matter in the games of love. it seems that this is one area of life that you can't make things happen. you can help yourself, but many other factors are there too.

i will continue to walk. hopefully in a direction and in a somewhat forward direction. and soon i hope to walk with another through this life.

2.04.2010

there's no other place

that i'd rather be, than safe in the arms, the arms of my saviour.

so what do you think about that? in the good times we would all say yes. in the bad times? is that really where we think it is best or is that just our sunday school heads talking? i know that i am not sure that is where i want to be right now. there seems to be a lot of frustration there. now i know that he can take it, but i am not sure that i want to be there or can take that dialog. that doesn't feel like a very relxaing place to be right now.

but...

am i there anyway? did i make a decision a while ago to always be there? maybe he doesn't want me to be anywhere else. so whether or not i at any moment feel like i want to be there, he is so glad that i am there. there just seem to be two points of view to look at this from. either way, i know that it makes my head spin.

1.24.2010

so it is time for a new look

i have never changed the look of this thing. i figured that it was time for a new title and look. also, i believe a new direction. i am not positive on this, but i think that i may move towards the topcis of the journey that we are all on. the highs, the lows, the struggles, the victories.

a bit more reflective, but also maybe still a bit random. i haven't thought this out completely so it may not work, but we shall see what happens.

i do know that the title reflects the ideas that i am trying to show. so stop by every once in a while and maybe something will touch you and bring ideas to you as to ways to walk through the journey together.

1.12.2010

A New Year

sort of forgot about this thing over the holidays, but now that is over and the new year is here, i thought that i would reflect a bit. at the last new year's i knew that 2009 would be a challenge. i was in germany and knew that in june i would be leaving a place that i had lived for three years. i would be stepping back into the world of a beat up economy and joblessness. i didn't know if something would come quick or if it would be a long painful process. i didn't know how transition would be moving back from a foreign country to the one of my birth. well how has it been? in two words...

it sucks.

germany ended up grandly with me enjoying it more than i had. then i came back to the states. it seemed that everything has crashed and burned since. it is january now and all i have managed is to scrape together a 15 hour a week part time job. i have been on many interviews and application processes and it has led to a big naught.

the transition back has been what i expected it to be, but without a very important part. community. i expected that i would have after 7 months developed a starting group of friends but there is a big nothing through. transition really sucks without walking through it with others.

i feel like i have been utterly abandoned. for all the times of my life this seems like it has been the worst. there are very few bright spots and life is hard and vastly unrewarding. i can't believe that i have been asked to do this alone. that is not the way it was meant to be.

i know that most of my 1.5 readership does not want to read this, but i am sick of being fake to people who expect me to give the fake answers. sometimes i just need to be real in my answers. so move on and know that this will not be a continuing aspect of this site.

i do need to be grateful for some things. i do have a roof over my head, my family still loves and cares for me. i still have my health. but that doesn't change my situation and the abandonment that i feel.