Heavenly Father, you always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
Give me the food I need to live through today
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the Heavens is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is strong

i really needed this today. i cling to it, while not believing it. sometimes anyway. it's true either way. tears and praise are so close together and many times in the same place


Too Many Weddings

i am not okay being single. i don't like it. i am not content. i feel lonely and missing that relationship that almost all of my friends have. and my family members all have. i was again reminded of my singleness while watching the royal wedding full of glamour and happiness..or so it appeared.

yes i am a bit grumpy about it. but i am single. this is where i am. something i can do things about and not do things about at the same time. so i have to deal. i have to be content. either whine about it or just live life. maybe a bit of both. i don't know why i have this trial, but i have to trust that there is a reason. without that hope, life would be too dark. i can't let thoughts about being unlovable sneak in. that would not help anything.

so this is where i am. i don't like it, but here i am. now that i am at the end i don't see a point. maybe just a need for expression after a really sucky week. although there is no end in sight for any of the trials. ugh. i've been sighing a lot lately.


The Dichotomy of Spirituality

let's face it. spirituality doesn't make sense. that's sort of the point, huh? and Christian spirituality isn't any better. at least for me. especially right now. now is a very difficult time in my life. bitterness, frustration, anger and depression are all emotions that i experience on a weekly basis.

yet this morning i was singing about our God being greater. his name being holy. he being loving and faithful and powerful and many other things. i believed every word. i know these things to be true. i know them not because they make sense but i still know them.

at the same time, i currently feel abandoned. i don't really feel loved or cared for. i feel left on my own to struggle and fail by myself. this is the other side. as negative as the former is positive.

so which is true? both. i can't explain it and wouldn't get anywhere if i tried, but both are true in my heart of hearts. therein lies the dichotomy. at least for me...


Churches are like gyms

How does the adage go? Something like, you can't go to a gym until you are in-shape. Although a sad fact, it does appear to be mostly true. Many people go to a gym because they look good and want others to notice that they look good. I believe that churches are the same way.

You can only go to church if you have it together. Or at least if you pretend to have it all together. Not struggles or serious questions allowed. No questions like why do bad things happend to good people. No 'why did my kid die of cancer and another's was healed.' No question that is a true struggle of someone. If we question God, that should be done in quiet where no one can hear us.

There's a big problem with this. Fact: no one has it all together. Everyone struggles with something. Why is this? Why the urge to be fake? Where is honest community? Why can't we support each other in our weaknesses? Where is the gap?

Nobody wants to here that I feel like God has abandoned me and has gone strangely distant. They just want to hear that things are great. That God is good. We all the the reply...all the time. Well guess what...I don't feel that all the time. When I come close to be honest what is the answer that I get? The Bible answer. The answer that ignores my question and says that God is great.

That's not walking with each other in our infirmities. That is being fake. having it together. Like we are supposed to. You are depressing and a downer when you try to be honest. Well guess what? It is hard to be up after 21 months of no consistent job, no church community of friends and 33 years of singleness.

Sometimes life just sucks and I wonder if God actually cares. I think God is okay with that question. Why aren't we?


“If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.” - MLK Jr.

I love this quote. We were made to be who we were made to be. Not Beethoven, not Shakespeare. But how often do we want to be someone else. How often are we not happy with who we are or what we do. Right now I am a tutor. It is not my favorite thing, but a good thing. Although most likely not what I was made to do for the rest of my life, it is what I am doing now.

I should do the best that I can. Not to keep the job, not to be popular. No, because he who made me is watching and loves my tutoring self.


stupid valentine's day

that's right! i don't like it. that silly day created by corporations so that cards and flowers would sell. a day to create outlandish expectations by people of their significant others. a day where being single is in comparison to being less than human...unaccepted.

stupid day. all these happy people. yuck. lovey dovey and all that other cheesy stuff. oo.cooties. just not fair. a day that makes me hate relationships. of course since other people have them.

these opinions are very wispy and liable to change on one thing. a relationship. then i shall claim a love of valentine's day and utter enjoyment in all it offers. see how shallow i really am.

this rant has been brought to you by matt'svalentinesdayannoyance.com.

please read this as an ironic and humourous rant, not to be construed seriously.



i was in church the other day and some kids were up there to advertise the church clubs. 4 of the girls had worked really hard and received an award. they announced that these girls had the presidential award for service from president obama. there was a couple behind me and at the time that the words 'president obama' were said there was a outwardly verbal disdain and disapproval.

no choice to celebrate what these girls had done and the honour that they had received from our president. but a need to make their dislike for our president know. why? really, why? whether or not you like him, there is respect that goes with the office. also do you hate him that much to have an outburst in a church service?!?

why do 'christians' feel the need, let alone the right to exhibit such disdain? are we not to love our neighbors and enemies. and president obama is far from an enemy. can't we all just get along and not use words of hate and violence when it comes to politics. pretty please.