Initial Reactions

I'm stuck between a few emotions. Part of me wants to destroy something. Part of me wants to cry. Part of me just wants to give up. Part of me just wants to sink into depressing thoughts.

The part of me that want to destroy something is my reaction of anger. Pissed off at why things don't go right just once in this whole screwed up situation. That if I just chuck something against a wall or break something, I feel a bit better.

The part of me that wants to cry is saddened by the constant rejection that I have experienced. I don't really know how to cry though. What is it to cry? You can only be rejected so often before it just beats you to a bloody pulp. It's the part that just wants to curl up in a ball and have the whole world just go away for a while.

The part of me that wants to give up is the part that is sick of trying. The funny thing, though. There is nothing to give up. I could say I am giving up, but I can't. It is not a possibility. But I want to. I'm tired; I'm stressed; I don't want to go through this anymore. But I have no choice.

The part of me sinking into depressing thoughts about how much of a loser I am. My complete inability to be wanted to anyone. It is amazing how easily and casually people throw other people aside like they don't matter. It's just a business, who cares about feelings. I feel worthless when this stuff happens. Maybe I am...

I pray...nothing happens. I cry...no one's there. Promises of love and strength are left unkept. Maybe I am supposed to do this on my own. Do I doubt? Yeah, but not seriously. I know He is there and loves more than I can comprehend, but it is hard when I don't feel anything except a void.

So what do I do? I just go on. It will happen again. Things positive and negative always happen in this life. I can't quit so I won't. I will keep trying and maybe someday this cloud will actually break. I hope. I have to hope because to lose hope is to lose everything.