What Love Could Be

She came in from the cold. Wet!
Dropped her luggage bags; looked the concierge in the eye
And said ‚I need a room for the night but I don't got no money.
Will you take payment in kind?
He said ‚ alright. I've got a room here you can share mine.

Make the bed in the morning and that'll do fine.
You can change in the bathroom, hang your clothes on the line‚
A tear came to here eye as she thought‚ How could he be so kind

She sat down on the bed with a needle
He said I'd hate to see you bleed
I'll just fetch a warm towel and sit with you till your dry
She started to cry saying ‚Why‚ why, why

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

She was cold turkey. He was holding her hand.
She said I was ruined by a man‚ and this was never in my plan,
I dreamed of men who loved me together we'd see the world
But somehow I lost myself among the insults they hurled

I'm sure you're a wonderful woman, and someday there'll surely be someone
So just relax now. It's important that you're calm
She said‚ how is it you can see past me as I am

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

When you took your chances it was like you placed a bet
And sometimes this is the reward you can get
I was always taught when you see someone defiled
You should look them in the eye and smile
Take their hand or better still, take them home. Home. Home?

She awoke early in the morning made the bed gathered up her clothes to leave
Saw the concierge curled on the settee
And said what you did for me is hard for me to believe

I was just doing what was right.
No one that knows love could leave you out there on such a night.
If you can help someone bear this in mind
and consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness
-Foy Vance

Sort of...forgot

So something interesting happened this year. I forgot that it was Christmas. HOW CAN YOU DO THAT!!! you ask. I don't know. The break at school here started a week and a couple days ago. After the students left, we had to take down the Christmas tree so that the dining room and living room floor can be replaced. That is a very weird feeling to take down a tree ten days before Christmas.

So along with that, many other things have gone on. Last Monday, I was able to go to Adelboden, Switzerland. I spent from Monday to Friday there. A bit of a vacation. Amazingly beautiful, but there was no sign of Christmas and it was just a relaxing time, crashing from the semester.

Anyway, that brings me to Friday/Saturday. I had just gotten back from Adelboden and was thinking about what the next two weeks would hold. Then someone mentioned that it was December 22. WHAT!!! Three days before Christmas!! I had no clue and didn't feel like it was close to Christmas.

I don't know what makes it feel like Christmas for me, but clearly I missed something this year. So yeah, I forgot Christmas.

Confession time is over. It is now Christmas eve and it still doesn't feel quite like Christmas, but I am getting there. So in the spirit of the season.

Merry Christmas!!

Can't get more cheesy

This post is for proteinstar. I think I may have tracked down the cheesiest love song of the 80s and so with no further ado...

Richard Marx-Right Here Waiting
Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I cant get near you now

Oh, cant you see it baby
You've got me going crazy

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
Ill take the chance

Oh, cant you see it baby
You've got me going crazy

Whom do you compare yourself to?

Been thinking a lot lately and wondering if I do some things to the ability that other people do them or if I do it to the best of my ability. A couple of examples. This is supposed to be a stressful and exhausting time of year here in the dorm in Germany. So I am tired and stressed. Is that because of how I actually feel or is it how I am supposed to feel?

There are some job parameters here and I have been doing okay at them, but not great. I think that many people around me have also been doing okay. So my question is if I am doing just enough to be equal with other people or am I doing my best.

In both these situations, I don't believe that I am doing the best that I can. I think and know that I can do better and that I am not extra-ordinarily tired. Tired, yes, but still got lots to give. I can do better and half to do better. It is not acceptable to just ride the middle. I am called to be exceptional, not normal.

And dang it, if someone asks how I am doing, the answer that follows should good or great. On rare days, a bad is okay, but the norm should be positive. Enough of this stupid negativity. Time to be positive.

Stay

I've been left thinking
where do i belong
Everything that's happened here
seems now so wrong
I'm asking the questions
i'm not sure I want the answers to
In the searching i've found
what i'm sure is true

When the flower blooms
When the spring birds tune
All the beauty in your soft warm face
Slowly brings everything into place

All i need and all i want
is to be with you
To know the end before the beginning
removes all mystery
What seemed so simple may be so wrong
What seems right may not be true
If there's anything i needed to know
it's not easy to see

For you to be here is what i would love
Yet not knowing you is not reason to grieve
The request that seems so simple to make
It's in your heart where i want to stay

Such ado

Okay, so i got to get away before I get too much of a hard time. So what to write about. Something positive like raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Oh yuck, that is pretty pathetic too. What about pulling whiskers off kittens. That sounds a bit more masculine. :-)

Laying awake and thinking is not my idea of fun. I really wish that I could sleep better. Haven't been able to sleep well for the last couple of weeks. Grr. So frustrating. A couple of nights have been wonderful, but overall, stinkiness.

It is beautiful today. Nice snow falling from the sky. It didn't lay down where we are, but looking up the hill you can see the snow line. We got snow falling which is wonderful though. Beautiful German architecture and simple life.

Isn't that where true enjoyment of life is? In the simplicity. Even in the fancy crazy things that we do, I would bet that the thing that makes it so enjoyable is very simple like a person laugh or their smile or beauty. Or a nice conversation with a lovely, soft....

Anyway. Have a wonderful week and I hope the su(o)n shines on you. It is now. Haven't seen it for a couple of weeks. nice to see it now though.

Love

I just want to be loved. That is where I am right now. Life is so confusing. Relationships are so confusing. I feel like I have been messing everything up that I could possibly. But in the end, I just want to be loved.

Yes in a generic way, loved. But also in a more specific way. It sounds completely cheesy, but I want that romantic kind of love. Maybe it is out there for me. I miss it and haven't experienced it in a long time. Go ahead and pick on me for this one. But it is me being honest. Maybe to a fault, but it is what it is.

Processing

I am a verbal processor. I sometimes have many things on my mind and at other times my mind is nice and free to glide. Some things are not really possible to process with other people due to their personal nature or other type of sensitivity. So how as a verbal processor do those things get processed. I don't know.

I have one of those issues right now. Something that I don't feel the freedom to just talk about with anyone, but yet I feel the need to process and think through it. I have sort of stuck myself in my own hard place.

What to do...what to do...

Things that make you happy

I don't know what I am trying to say except that I am happy. I was made to feel special over the last couple days and some relationships have been going very well. So things are going very well. What a wonder a weekend off can be. Have a great day.

More coming in the next couple days. I spent Veterans day in Bastogne and it was a very poignant experience.

Snowing

Well, for the second time this year, it is snowing and has been snowing off and on all day. We probably got an inch, but then it melted. And it has kept on snowing since. It is amazing how pretty quiet it gets when it is snowing and covers everything with white. So pure and new. it just makes you feel fresh. Get some good sleep and I will be set.

We still got some white stuff on the ground, but mostly it is just falling right now. I have broken the Christmas music out and am enjoying it with the snow and a glass of wine that I had earlier. What a wonderful afternoon. I love snow and mixing it with the fall colours that are out are amazing.

Have a wonderfully beautiful day.

Why do I Blog?

What a question. Sometimes I am not sure that I know the answer to this question. Lately I have been wondering if I am a negative blogger. That definitely makes me curious. I think that I can be, because there isn't always a lot to process about positive things and I use blogging to process. But that doesn't mean that it is a good way to do things.

Maybe I blog to share things, or maybe I just want to know that people out there in cyberspace just may have an inkling of understanding. Most of all, I think I just process in blogging and that is mostly my only purpose in doing so. This post is part of that and I am striving not to talk negatively even though I am having a crappy day.

Peace all.

Movies

I watched 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' tonight. I started out laughing, but as the movie went on, I just got bored. I think I know it too well. I also think that the movie has become funnier to quote than to watch. I love quoting the movie or hearing others quote the movie. We laugh out loud as we just go back and forth.

I wonder how many movies are like that. Movies known so well that the talking about them is the funny part.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost

Missing ?

I seem to just be sort of eh today. I feel this longing for something. Usually when I feel this I know what it is that I am missing. Lately it has been a feeling of loneliness and missing over not having a special relationship and a special someone to love and share life with.

Also, I have at many times missed family and friends back in the US. My family that goes through changes or my friends that are getting married or just living life. These are people that know me and have known me for a long time. There is a comfort there that isn't always here.

Many times I just miss the states. I grew up and lived there for 28 years. I miss the ease of communication. I miss that little jazz club where I go to listen to some nice jazz for the evening. I miss dressing up and going into the city for dinner. I miss those coffee shops that I could just sit in for hours and their name wasn't Starbucks. I miss live music.

Right now though, I don't know what I miss. I have that feeling of missing something today, but I cannot put my finger on what it is that I miss. This is all very ubiquitous and I am not sure that it makes any sense, but I have this sense of missing something and longing that I can't define. Maybe I am missing something that can't be defined. Maybe I am missing missing something. :-)

Anyway, I wonder if anything good comes from missing something.

Intelligence

Have you noticed that depending on what you are doing or drinking may affect how intelligent the conversation is?

Example, if you are out at a cafe with some friends drinking some coffee there is a good chance that whatever you are talking about will be deep and/or educated.

If you are listening to jazz, also a good chance for reserved but educated conversation.

A glass of wine, good conversation.

Soda or rock music could most likely be a lighter topic and more humorous things.

Just thinking...with a cup of coffee.

Can I change?

"Where there is pain
Let there be grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Help them be brave
Where there is misery
Bring expectancy
And surely we can change"

Serendipity

A fortunate accident. Hm, makes you think. How often do we miss those little signals that we get sent. I think that the all-powerful maker that loves us so much also enjoys sending us signals. Those little signs to warm our day or make us feel special. Maybe they give us direction or just keep us going steady. I am glad that they are there.

Serendipity also is close to the word serenity. Mm.

Why is it hard?

Do you think that you make a difference? Do you see others making a bigger difference than you. Maybe you just perceive it that way. I don't know but it is right there for me. I wish that the difference I am making was more visible. It would provide real encouragement for me. I need encouragement, but it doesn't always come and I just have to persevere.

I also wish that I was thought of. When people were doing something, it would be wonderful if I was included, but I just got to push off on my own. I hate being on my own. Life just stinks sometimes.

30

Seems like such a big number. But it is really only a number. And birthdays are funny anyway. You don't feel any different than the day before, but it is definitely celebrated. There are many different reactions from people. You have your friends and family that genuinely want to wish you a happy birthday.

Then you have THOSE people. These are the people that just found out that you are turning 30. They come up to you and say Happy Birthday while cackling and laughing at you. They think that 30 is a funny number and indicates oldness or something. Is it fun to make fun of someone on their birthday.

My birthday started off rough because or some events that created problems. But as the day went on, it got better. My guys sang happy birthday and then grabbed me and threw me into the creek outside the house. It was awesome and refreshing. A great sign of love. Then the dorm across the street brought something over for me. A present and card. Very nice. Girls can be so original and cheesy. It is so fun.

So my birthday ended up much better than it started out. Yeah!

Disappointment

How to deal with disappointment. Recently, I was sitting an heard an annoucement. It was something that I had known nothing about but it affected me. The announcement basically said that something I had been doing over the last year, I would no longer be able to do. It was something that I greatly enjoyed and found enormous fulfillment in. And I won't have the opportunity to do it this year.

Now this profoundly affected me in an unexpected way. I actually had to walk out and be by myself to collect myself. Now I have to experience the consequences of the decision every week and go through the same disappointment again.

Don't know what to do.