musings of a sojourner

2011-05-18T02:37:00.002+01:00

Heavenly Father, you always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
Give me the food I need to live through today
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the Heavens is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is strong

i really needed this today. i cling to it, while not believing it. sometimes anyway. it's true either way. tears and praise are so close together and many times in the same place

Too Many Weddings

2011-04-30T01:03:00.002+01:00

i am not okay being single. i don't like it. i am not content. i feel lonely and missing that relationship that almost all of my friends have. and my family members all have. i was again reminded of my singleness while watching the royal wedding full of glamour and happiness..or so it appeared.

yes i am a bit grumpy about it. but i am single. this is where i am. something i can do things about and not do things about at the same time. so i have to deal. i have to be content. either whine about it or just live life. maybe a bit of both. i don't know why i have this trial, but i have to trust that there is a reason. without that hope, life would be too dark. i can't let thoughts about being unlovable sneak in. that would not help anything.

so this is where i am. i don't like it, but here i am. now that i am at the end i don't see a point. maybe just a need for expression after a really sucky week. although there is no end in sight for any of the trials. ugh. i've been sighing a lot lately.

The Dichotomy of Spirituality

2011-04-25T02:58:00.002+01:00

let's face it. spirituality doesn't make sense. that's sort of the point, huh? and Christian spirituality isn't any better. at least for me. especially right now. now is a very difficult time in my life. bitterness, frustration, anger and depression are all emotions that i experience on a weekly basis.

yet this morning i was singing about our God being greater. his name being holy. he being loving and faithful and powerful and many other things. i believed every word. i know these things to be true. i know them not because they make sense but i still know them.

at the same time, i currently feel abandoned. i don't really feel loved or cared for. i feel left on my own to struggle and fail by myself. this is the other side. as negative as the former is positive.

so which is true? both. i can't explain it and wouldn't get anywhere if i tried, but both are true in my heart of hearts. therein lies the dichotomy. at least for me...

Churches are like gyms

2011-03-21T01:32:00.002+01:00

How does the adage go? Something like, you can't go to a gym until you are in-shape. Although a sad fact, it does appear to be mostly true. Many people go to a gym because they look good and want others to notice that they look good. I believe that churches are the same way.

You can only go to church if you have it together. Or at least if you pretend to have it all together. Not struggles or serious questions allowed. No questions like why do bad things happend to good people. No 'why did my kid die of cancer and another's was healed.' No question that is a true struggle of someone. If we question God, that should be done in quiet where no one can hear us.

There's a big problem with this. Fact: no one has it all together. Everyone struggles with something. Why is this? Why the urge to be fake? Where is honest community? Why can't we support each other in our weaknesses? Where is the gap?

Nobody wants to here that I feel like God has abandoned me and has gone strangely distant. They just want to hear that things are great. That God is good. We all the the reply...all the time. Well guess what...I don't feel that all the time. When I come close to be honest what is the answer that I get? The Bible answer. The answer that ignores my question and says that God is great.

That's not walking with each other in our infirmities. That is being fake. having it together. Like we are supposed to. You are depressing and a downer when you try to be honest. Well guess what? It is hard to be up after 21 months of no consistent job, no church community of friends and 33 years of singleness.

Sometimes life just sucks and I wonder if God actually cares. I think God is okay with that question. Why aren't we?

2011-03-09T03:56:00.002+01:00

“If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.” - MLK Jr.

I love this quote. We were made to be who we were made to be. Not Beethoven, not Shakespeare. But how often do we want to be someone else. How often are we not happy with who we are or what we do. Right now I am a tutor. It is not my favorite thing, but a good thing. Although most likely not what I was made to do for the rest of my life, it is what I am doing now.

I should do the best that I can. Not to keep the job, not to be popular. No, because he who made me is watching and loves my tutoring self.

stupid valentine's day

2011-02-15T03:59:00.003+01:00

that's right! i don't like it. that silly day created by corporations so that cards and flowers would sell. a day to create outlandish expectations by people of their significant others. a day where being single is in comparison to being less than human...unaccepted.

stupid day. all these happy people. yuck. lovey dovey and all that other cheesy stuff. oo.cooties. just not fair. a day that makes me hate relationships. of course since other people have them.

these opinions are very wispy and liable to change on one thing. a relationship. then i shall claim a love of valentine's day and utter enjoyment in all it offers. see how shallow i really am.

this rant has been brought to you by matt'svalentinesdayannoyance.com.

please read this as an ironic and humourous rant, not to be construed seriously.

saddened

2011-02-10T03:52:00.002+01:00

i was in church the other day and some kids were up there to advertise the church clubs. 4 of the girls had worked really hard and received an award. they announced that these girls had the presidential award for service from president obama. there was a couple behind me and at the time that the words 'president obama' were said there was a outwardly verbal disdain and disapproval.

no choice to celebrate what these girls had done and the honour that they had received from our president. but a need to make their dislike for our president know. why? really, why? whether or not you like him, there is respect that goes with the office. also do you hate him that much to have an outburst in a church service?!?

why do 'christians' feel the need, let alone the right to exhibit such disdain? are we not to love our neighbors and enemies. and president obama is far from an enemy. can't we all just get along and not use words of hate and violence when it comes to politics. pretty please.

the disarming nature of happiness

2011-01-24T21:05:00.002+01:00

i love winter. i love cold, i love snow. i like winter clothes and hot drinks. pretty much everything about winter is awesome to me. this puts me at odds with many people that i know. people that loathe winter.

i recently sent an email to someone whom i know to hate winter. but i was excited. it had snowed and it was pretty so i was happy. i just wanted to share my excitement with someone else. now here is the interesting thing. she responded not in a complaining, cynical manner but in an exuberant manner about what she was excited about. although she could have read my email and complained about winter, she chose to celebrate in what she enjoyed.

i think this is a general truth about happiness. when someone is happy, it spreads. it makes us happy and looking for the bright light in our day. whether or not we agree with what that person is happy about, the emotion is infectious. so use your happyness to cheer up someone's day.

as aside, the opposite holds true. usually when one starts complaining, the others that he interacts with become negative. don't let yourself go down this road. i do far too often.

the fresh fallen snow

2011-01-13T19:25:00.002+01:00

i love snow. always have. it is cold, clean, brings quiet and awesome snowmen. it also brings a quiet peace. walk outside while it is snowing and what do you hear? nothing. the birds are in their nests, the animals have found shelter and are waiting for the snows end to come out. they know that it is time to rest.

what do we as americans like to do? go go go. and then we keep going. rarely do we stop, rarely to we rest and admire the beauty of the world around us. what does the snow make us do? it makes us stop. that is the other element to the quietness. the lack of traffic driving on our roads.

we close early and go home. yes there are some who have to keep working in the snow, but for most of us, it makes us stop. so we go home and watch it fall. hopefully spending time with our families and definitely getting the mental and physical rest that we need.

do you need these breaks? do you like these breaks or is it just another plan ruined?

happy new year

2011-01-01T07:48:00.002+01:00

may i learn from the hardships
may i rejoice in the blessings
may i hold tight to friendships
and let go of hatred

may i love a little more everyday
may i accept grace a bit more too
may draw closer to being like him
while fleeing the things that pull me down

and most of all..
may i have the faith to hope in love

is it that simple?

2010-12-20T04:08:00.002+01:00

jesus was once asked what the greatest commandment was. he responded(summary) ---love God, love people. he could have said anything. he could have said go to church, vote republican, don't do this, don't do that. but he didn't. it wasn't a laundry list of things to do. it was simple. simply hard. Love God, love people.

there weren't four spiritual laws, there wasn't the romans road, the colour book didn't exist. no religion, no fancy club to join. just love God love people. why do we always make it complicated? i think that people are drawn to love and the love shown to people.

now don't get me wrong. these four words are incredibly simple. yet...ridiculously hard to live by. i really have simplified my faith over the past year and tried just to live by these four words. although there is no religion to worry about. following these four words is far harder than trying to be religious.

so how are you doing with those four wonderful words?

what can you do?

2010-11-07T16:19:00.003+01:00

I had the privilege to spend this weekend at the mid-Atlantic Orphan Summit. 400 of us talked about how we can help and what we can do about the crisis. It can be overwhelming. There are somewhere around 150 million orphans in this world. Many of them are hurting and unloved. They fall into anything from drugs to crime to slavery, sometimes even as sex slaves.

The horror stories are truly horrific. And when listening to this I was at first just completely overwhelmed. But as the weekend continued, there were two main points that everyone agreed on. The first was that every single person should do something. The second that we should start with just one child at a time.

Everyone needs to get involved in some fashion. There are multiple biblical mandates for this. There are so many ways to get involved, whether from adoption and foster care, or moving into orphan care. Ministries like World Vision and Compassion are great stepping stones into helping out.

Secondly, one child at a time. If we try to fix the entire problem for 150 million people, we will fail immediately. We need to just see how we can start helping. Start with asking questions and educating ourselves. And then see how we can get involved in a small way. We can't get overwhelmed by everything, but we just need to start with one. Changing one life will lead to changing many.

So what can you do? Today is Orphan Sunday. Visit their website. Secondly, I have a way that you can start helping. Visit Forgotten Voices. There are many suggestions of what you can do. Consider joining in helping to change one life at a time.

Circumstantial Relationships

2010-10-14T16:47:00.002+01:00

let's suppose that you are in a relationship. that could be a friendship or dating or even familial relationship. you are close with this other person and you talk all the time and care for each other. one day life takes a drastic turn for you. it turns hard and things get bad. maybe you lose your job , a family member gets sick or dies. maybe you break up with your fiance or you yourself get really sick.

through all of this your friend has done nothing but be there for you and care for you. they haven't always known what to say, but they have loved you. but you decide that you don't like them anymore or maybe you just don't know how to feel about them. so you pull away from the relationship. this person has done nothing to you, but your circumstances have caused you to react in this way.

crazy isn't it.

isn't that what we do with God?

isn't that what i do with God?

my circumstances have changed. they have gotten hard. there is no one to blame it on, but as humans i think we always want to know where to put the blame. so we put the blame on our relationship. we pull back. God has done nothing but love us and care for us, but because of our circumstances, we become apathetic. we hurt a relationship based entirely on our circumstances.

the crazy thing about this. now we have done something to the relationship. we have hurt it. we have caused hurt to one who love and cares for us. and you know what he does...

...continues to love and care for us.

Back to the Future

2010-10-03T02:44:00.002+01:00

let's go back to mid 2004. i had recently ended my job after they were forcing me to move to philly and change my job function. i had strong ties to my church and was really involved and making a difference. therefore i decided to stay in harrisburg.

in spring 2005 i got a three month part time consulting job. in fall 2005 i got a temp job that lasted until germany.

fast forward three years and i am back from germany. no employment until december 2009 and that is only part time which is currently yielding about 4 hours a week.

that's three years of three part time jobs. now not to discount germany because it changed my life, but i have tried to live respectfully and follow where i believe i am led.

i just can't do this. multiple job rejections a week and lack of steady employment. i don't know how to deal with so much hardship. and continual feelings of being let down. i'm broken and struggling with no encouragement and what feels like abandonment.

ugh. here i am in the future and the past doesn't have much hope.

thimbels

2010-09-29T19:06:00.002+01:00

when you don't have anything nice to say, you should say anything at all. it's not been a good week and any post on a subject would just not be a good thing to put on this internet. so some random tidbits.

i commented on don miller's blog and the moderator deleted my comment. what's up with that! it wasn't offensive or anyting. a bit disagreeing but who are they?

art - is following directions to make something art? i do not believe so. i feel that art happens when one uses their mind to create something new, not just copy and follow.

photography - it is really hard to get that sunset shot. either the background is colorless or the foreground is black. it has taken me 10 or so minutes at times to get the right shot.

do all these politicians really hate each other that much? that is what their ads say.

i love 'much ado about nothing'

i am glad that it is turning to fall.

have a great week. i mean that sincerely. i don't know who reads this, but if you are, I really hope that your week is special in an unexpected way.

LOVE - the finale

2010-09-16T22:38:00.002+01:00

loves...?
loves his BFA guys
loves Muslims
loves teenagers
loves the weather we've had this week
loves the smell of fresh cut grass
loves that loving makes for positivity rather than negativity
loves air conditioning
loves grace

that finished up my august LOVE experiment. i have to admit. when it was a rough day, it was really hard to come up with something. some of the things were deep, some weren't. they all were true and the thing that most pleasantly surprised me was that by using the word love and not bashing something else led to positive comments. it seems to disarm peoples negativity a bit.

so i am going to keep going. not every day, but at least once a week. although i love many things, i am not love. i know someone who is. whether or not i feel it or believe it all the time, it is true. God is LOVE. it has to be true. there is no point without it. and let me tell you, i don't feel it right now. but i am clinging to it.

so LOVE.

PS.
loves laughing
loves the chance he is getting to change the lives of some wonderful people
loves volleyball
loves homemade cappuccinos on a rainy day
loves fall.

the church's forgotten

2010-09-07T02:04:00.002+01:00

i have come to realize that there is a section of the population that is greatly ignored and forgotten about when it comes to churches. i am realizing this due to being in the group. churches love programs. we have programs for everything.

we have the christian ed program that covers kids from nursery to 6th grade. in 6th grade we hand them off to youth ministry where they stay till twelfth. after that they go off to college for four years. churches are very happy to welcome them back into the fold and also others that have moved into the area. if you have married, great they will through you in with some other young marrieds that maybe have very young children. if not, that is okay because you are still young and full of vigor and churches want to help you mature in whatever you mature in.

but realistically, by the time you are 25 to 30, you should be married so it is time to move into family small groups and sunday school where you learn to become a better parent, husband, wife or all around good person. then you are helped when you have kids graduate college and hopefully are in church leadership as you look to retirement. all well and good(well it may not even be good)...

except...

me. i haven't gotten married. i am in my thirties. i need community just like anyone else, but nobody knows what to do with me. there aren't many like me, so maybe we can just be ignored. maybe there is a 'singles' group that has people mostly in their 40s and 50s who have never married or are maybe divorced. i don't fit there so nothing happens.

i am the church's forgotten.

politics

2010-08-31T16:58:00.002+01:00

politics is a rare breed. it is amazing how best of friends can turn fight-to-the-death duelers when discussing politics. they can discuss virtually anything else and remain calm and jovial, but throw in words like republican, democrat, conservative and liberal and the gloves are off.

recently, i made a foray into some political discussions over the course of the day. i wasn't meaning to attack anyone, but in mentioning a disagreement with a political person they revered, it was like attacking their own family. this is what politics does. and i am not sure why. either way, after a day of weighing into debates, i was a bit annoyed with myself for having been drawn into passionate discourses.

so i withdrew. not that i don't think that some of these discussions are important, but because there is just to much passion wrapped in all of this. For this non-republican, non-democrat, non liberal, non-conservative, it is better just to stay on the sidelines and listen. i definitely have my ideas, but others hold quite dearly to theirs and happiness is more important than having your own idea heard.

at least most of the time...

the LOVE experiment.

2010-08-23T02:20:00.002+01:00

the past few.

loves going new places
loves reconnecting with friends
loves sunsets
loves the beach
loves you
loves coffee
loves the daily show
loves football (both kinds)
loves camping
loves rain
loves Germany
loves Herbie Hancock - the IMAGINE project
loves the fresh soreness after a hard run
loves that he gets the honor and privilege to sing and worship with Jenn and Kim at Grace Bible Chapel

Those have been the last many. Sort of all over the board. One thing I have noticed is that positive statuses lead to positive comments. Nothing to bicker over when you talk about things you like. Those are just things you like, not life or death. if we talked to people about the things we like about them i bet conversations would many times be different. also if we concentrated on the things we like about people, we would look more fondly on everyone.

also, i have stuck to this. there have been days that I haven't felt like it. a rough day where something bad happened and i was thinking about all that was wrong. it was tough at times to come up with something, yet i always have. it makes you realize that many things are going well at the time that things are rough.

we shall see where this leads next.

love somebody

love

2010-08-05T17:51:00.002+01:00

too many things are bringing us down. life can be hard. sucky things happen. so to counteract this and my own get caught in this swirl, i am doing something.

it is sort of a combined technology thing. every day hopefully for the month of august, i am going to put in my facebook status something that i love about life. something good about what is going on in this world. just a way to bring my mind to wonderful things and maybe getting you to think wonderful things.

My first two have been:
loves Forgotten Voices.
loves jazz.

I don't know where this leads me, but am ready to ride the ride.

Peace Aus!

vacation

2010-07-28T19:44:00.002+01:00

i'm back. after a very busy july where i haven't been in the state most of the time, i thought i would send out a blog. i was out in kansas for a week and it got me thinking about vacations.

why do vacations work? what is it about them that refreshes us? my outlook on work after i came back was much happier. it just makes me wonder. something in our brains just changes tune when we remove ourselves from the places that cause us stress. yes, that stress is still there, but we have gone away from it for a while. we are doing something else that takes our minds off of the hardship.

but are physical vacations the only things that work. could we just do emotional vacations? what about spiritual vacations? could we step away from the things that cause emotional stress in our lives. can we take mini emotional vacations every week? just to refresh us.

spiritual vacations. is that even an actual thing? are we taking a vacation from our spirituality or are we just creating an environment where we refresh ourselves spiritually? just gets me thinking. how can i create those mini-vacations that help to keep me refreshed?

moments

2010-07-08T17:37:00.002+01:00

it moves..it stops...it slows and speeds.

it actually goes the same all the time, but it seems to fly or go tortuously slow. in those fast times how do we pull every bit of wonderfulness out of those monents. life is made out of moments. a journey of moments. a journey is probably my favorite way to describe life and living and yet all these little moments and glimpses make up that journey.

some we miss because we are too busy with ourselves. others we wish that we would miss. but all of these moments have a part to contribute to our lives. they make us who we are. parts of us would be missing without them.

and you know what. i am thankful for them. god has blessed me with these moments, good and bad. he is making me into a unique person to do his work. sometimes it is hard to be thankful for some moments, but they do have an undeniable impact on who we are.

little blessings

2010-07-01T17:30:00.002+01:00

well, an infamous time is upon me. it has been a year since i have been back from germany. the year has been full of heartache, pain, rejection and many other hardships. to lay it straight. it has sucked.

a pretty depressing way to lead off. i know, but there is light ahead in your reading. yes my overall situation is less than fun and has brought a lot of pain, BUT. buts are usually bad yet this time it is good. in fact maybe i should use the word 'yet' as my transition word. doesn't have the negative connotation. enough of grammar.

i have noticed over the past little while that it seems that there are little blessings coming my way. for example, this year mark, i knew would be emotional hard for me, yet on the weekend of the mark, i get to see a dear friend from colorado that is passing through. with him and other bfa friends, i will experience a weekend of happiness.

some other recent little blessings. i got to boston to see some dear friends and be loved on. i went to albany to talk about and help the lives of people far more disadvantaged than i. having a weekend of minute to minute reminders that the world is so much bigger than us is good.

and the blessings will keep coming with the ability to go to a wedding of two dear friends. thank you, mind the gap, for this ability.

so these little gaps come and make life just a bit more survivable. overall, still really hard and hurting but a breath of fresh air every once in a while.

are there little blessings in your life?

matters of importance

2010-06-23T03:22:00.002+01:00

I have been gone for a bit sorry about that. but one of the reasons is that i have had the opportunity to be involved in something really important. changing the lives of children orphaned by AIDS. I had the chance to travel and represent an amazing organization, Forgotten Voices. I was at an event that a church in new York threw for their youth.

That event changed the course of 500 children's lives in southern Africa. the whole weekend i was reminded about how big this world is and how much it isn't about me. a really good reminder. so we raised money for pastors in Zimbabwe and Zambia to use to positively impact their communities for good.

it was just so neat and refreshing to be a part of something so good and to know that my service was making a difference for God in this world. i am so thankful to get the chance to serve.

now if i can just get 9 people to come together with me.

so many ideas

2010-06-01T20:08:00.002+01:00

lots of things buzzing through my head right now.
a swirling mix of thoughts
my brain trying to escape the chaos
clarity of glasses held aloft.

some random poetry for you.

i have decided recently that people need to be nicer to each other. there is a lot of hate going around. many people hate the president or the government. others can't stand a sports team or player.

some don't like their neighbors and walk through the mall at christmas and one of the last things you see will be love. this saddens me. what saddens me more is that i act out of anger. i direct hate towards others. i don't do it often, yet i do it. we all do.

so lets start loving not hating. and that means me. this change starts with myself. so less anger and hate and more kindness and love.

except, of course, the steelers. :-)

give me some love

2010-05-23T04:22:00.002+01:00

we need love, it is built into our humanness to be loved and to love. our heart starves and in some ways shrinks when we are not loved. in the same way, we are energized when we are loved. our hearts come alive and bring our spirits with them.

i feel like the same thing happens when we love others. it energizes us. we are called to love. we are called to serve. it is a great thing to give to others what we need ourselves.

either way, i have been loved and valued this weekend. it has been good for my soul.

slow down, you move too fast

2010-05-13T19:07:00.002+01:00

recently i was watching a bird walk across the lan. the first thought in my head was questioning why the bird was choosing to walk when it could fly. then i realized that it was most likely looking for food. it was looking for the little things. if it had just flown right by, it would have missed so many things, but in choosing to slow down and walk, a whole world opened up to it.

i wonder how often we just fly right by in a hurry to get to the next thing. maybe if we purposefully slowed down, a whole different wonder would be right before our eyes waiting to be enjoyed.

so, you got to make this moment last and you might as well feel groovy.

communication

2010-05-07T01:59:00.002+01:00

i'm sitting here in a cafe in downtown lancaster. got some pete yorn coming through my headphones and just enjoying myself. i'm thinking about community and communication. right now i would like nothing more to be conversing with someone and developing a deeper relationship. or maybe even starting a new one. but i'm not.

and i have a feeling that i don't look very approachable either. sitting here, typing on my computer, with headphones in my ears. it would take a remarkably gutsy person to walk up to me and start a conversation. now i am not necessarily trading anything, but i am communicating over the internet. not exactly the closest and deepest form of communication. in fact, a very safe venue.

or is it? see the things is, i seem to expect the same thing out of electronic communication that i do out of face to face. if i say something to you, you will respond because it is how it works, but over the internet it doesn't work that way. we can hide behind our computers and not respond to others. i do it all the time. i'll read an email and then 2 weeks later realize that i haven't responded to this person. not good.

or you have facebook where there may or may not be any communication, but we are looking at other's profiles without interacting with them. that seems even more backwards.

well, although this is the mode i am in now, i can tell you that i would love nothing more than to have that face to face conversation. i think that most of us want that. so what's holding us up?

probably people typing on computers, listening to their headphones.

Hope with no end

2010-04-27T18:37:00.003+01:00

HOPE - it may just be the thing that holds everything together. without it what do we have? i wonder what it is to feel a complete and utter lack of hope. in anything. we have to hope. as humans i don't think that we can live without hope. no matter how hopeless a situation is, there must be hope. to lose hope is well...to lose everything.

"faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

i think that we tend to concentrate on the second part of that statement. but the first may hold the power of hope. to be sure of what i hope for means that i must hope in something. whatever it is, i must hope in something. the lack of hope becomes the lack of faith. faith in the good, faith in humanity. faith in this life meaning more than just a bunch of cells.

so no matter how hopeless a situation is, i have never lost hope and am very thankful for that.

beauty in tragedy

2010-04-26T02:58:00.002+01:00

tonight i was watching a part from 'Band of Brothers' this was the part that focused on the medic and bastogne. in some ways it is a hard part to watch but there are also beautiful moments. first off, it being about war, it is ugly. war is hell and there isn't much that one can say is good about war, if anything. through the bombings and gunfights, there was a quiet serenity at nights with the snow falling.

snow falling against bloodshed. something that wipes the world clean and brings a quiet. the horrible tragedy was still occurring but the beauty never stopped. no matter what, there is beauty. this makes me think about humanity. there are so many things that are ugly about us. things that cause us to go to war. things that cause divorce and bitterness in the relationships with those around us.

but...

there is also a beauty. a beauty in the goodness that drives us to give to others and empathy that causes us to love each other. and the best thing of all.

beauty will overcome the tragedy.

a thought here...a thought there

2010-04-14T03:28:00.002+01:00

many thoughts have been going through my head. i don't know how to put them down or what to say, but here goes.

-i have been intrinsically aware of my singleness over the past couple of days. along with this has come a longing for this to no longer be the case. a longing to walk through this journey with someone else. to share my life and experiences. to have someone who values me and loves me in my worst and my best. i am 32 and it is getting harder and harder to stay content in this area.

- i don't feel like my life situation has changed in the last 6 months. people ask what's new. i don't have anything. nothing changed and that is hard because i am not content or happy with where i am. i definitely acknowledge that the last sentence is a problem and leads to thought number three.

- i am starting to wonder if christians massively misunderstand prayer. these things that we view as promises are a big misinterpretation of scripture.i have arrived at this conclusion because of the walks and struggles i have had since i moved back from germany. i feel like i have ended up in one spot. either the bible isn't true or we misunderstand the words on the pages.

i know that last statement was heavy, but that has been a true reaction and pondering.

spring has come.. oh wait maybe summer.

2010-04-06T18:46:00.002+01:00

we have been enjoying a beautiful spring with some rain and sun and nice temps. until today and tomorrow. they are in the upper 80s. as one who does not enjoy the summer weather as much, i would prefer to get back to spring.

spring is a time of newness of rebirth. the earth comes out of the cold and snowy winter and bursts into life. sometimes i wonder if there are seasons of our hearts and lives. our lives are journeys and these have different phases. i think that this can be looked at in a micro or macro way. in a week you may see all four seasons. maybe even in a day.

but there are also the bigger movements of our lives. the year that feels like winter. or the wonderful experience that lasts for a while that constantly reminds us of spring. many times during the year, you may here people saying that they wish it were another season. most commonly in winter yearning for spring. i myself don't really like summer so i am usuallly longing for fall. but all of the seasons are important to the earth and the places that we live.

as with the physical seasons, i believe that these seasons of our lives are important. although we may wish for them to be over, it would be loss of hope to not assume that the circumstances were important. i just hope that i can learn to realize that.

Rela-nity

2010-03-29T02:12:00.002+01:00

community...relationship. both are centered around the same thing of one broken human interacting with another broken human. different people need it to differing degrees.

for me, i know that i need it to a great degree. in fact, it is the hardest part of my current situation for me. not the lack of a full time job or a place to live. it is not having those to be in relationship with and share our lives.

what is community for you? is it important to you? do you feel like you need it or are you quite satisfied? let me know what you are thinking.

life to the tune of james taylor.

2010-03-22T03:24:00.002+01:00

There's a song that they sing when they take to the highway
A song that they sing when they take to the sea
A song that they sing of their home in the sky
Maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep
But singing works just fine for me

do you have a song? is your life a song? i think that mine is. if so, i hope that i take it to the highway and the sea. where am i in my song? am i singing it or is someone else writing it for me? i hope that i am writing it.

right now it feels like it is written in the minor key. plodding and dark and mysterious. will it suddenly brighten up like the chorale in beethoven's 9th? i guess my song has multiple movements. there are so many ways to think about this.

...i wonder in what movement my song becomes a duet...

rain

2010-03-13T21:03:00.002+01:00

well, this looks like the third post in a week. i better be careful or this might become a pattern.

we got some rain yesterday and we are getting a lot today. sometimes it is coming down hard, other times it is just drizzling. right now it is pouring. as i look out the windows of the cafe, i am thrust into thought. i like the rain. i didn't always. i never minded the rain, but it wasn't until living in germany and encountering day upon day of rain that i developed a fondness for it. i like it because it calms things. it slows things down. it quiets. it washes and cleans. it floods and takes away. it now reminds me of germany.

to have a cup of coffee, a glass of wine and be in front of a fire reading a book and listening to jazz. ah, that is refreshing. soul soothing. sometimes i wish it would rain in my heart and soul. to wash away the dirt and make it calm and quiet. to pull me out of myself and wash me towards love and grace.

PS. as i sit here and write this i wish that you would walk through that door. you, a dear friend that i long to talk to, but you live elsewhere. colorado, wisconsin, texas, germany, minnesota, ireland, and spread many other places. may god bless all of you.

stream

2010-03-12T03:51:00.002+01:00

not really sure what to write about which means i probably shouldn't but maybe i will try this stream of consciousness style. so here goes...

have you ever noticed that life keeps going? we wish it would slow down in those amazing and special times. we wish it would skip or speed up in the hard and painful times. time doesn't seem to listen, it just goes. it doesn't try to be hurtful or to rush our lives. it is steady, reliable and always...on-time.

so how do we react. should we relish the pain or suckiness? should we breeze through that amazing little glimpse of beauty? those are the times i would love time to stop and just relax. the beauty. whether it is the walk outside amongst the hills or the cup of coffee with that amazing person across the table.

they say that there is beauty in pain, but i am not sure that we can see that in the middle of the trial. it seems that the beauty shows itself when we look back on the pain and uncover the layers of dirt and tears. the beauty is there, but much harder to find. usually more beautiful that the good times, but still hard.

our lives just keep going. the falls and rises and moves of the painter. i just hope that a bright colour is going to start soon.

the movement of life

2010-03-06T21:02:00.002+01:00

though weighed down in breath, is lightened by love.

life can be described by many things. it can be a journey, it can be a symphony. it can be a struggle, or a joy. many of these are just moments in life. or maybe life is just a movement of a symphony that is so much bigger than us.

this movement goes up and down. it grows and settles, it hurries and slows. one thing that slows it is breath. the daily routine of life. it is steady and doesn't alter, we go through the same things every day. It is part of the rhythm of life and it can weigh us down. we can easily get bogged down with the little routines and lose sight of the larger movement.

what can pulls us out of this daily dirge? love. it can lighten our day and make us realize that there are things much bigger than us and our days going on. it guides us toward the big picture and pulls us out of our daily grind and into thinking about how we can add to the beautiful movement that is life.

so what can you do to add to the beautiful movement of life?

cynicism

2010-02-24T17:45:00.004+01:00

Conan O'Brien, on the last night of his show, before NBC kicked him out made this quote.

"All I ask of you, especially young people...is one thing. Please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism; it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen."

I have been thinking a lot about this. Why? Primarily because in many ways, i am a cynic. I don't like to label myself that way, but it is true. I am. I tend to look through cynical eyes. Not really at the world that I directly interact with, but the larger world out there. So while I am not cynical towards the people that i know, I can be very cynical towards government and media and many of those larger groups.

And on top of that, for the most part, I agree with Conan. I think that he is right. Cynicism does not lead anywhere. It only traps us in a spiral of dis-enjoyment. In the worse case, it just leads to apathy. Now while I am no where near apathetic, I do see that in myself every once in a while.

So how do I change? What steps can I take towards being less cynical? I am not sure, but I am sure that acknowledging it is a good step into the process. So we shall see where it goes.

walking on sunshine

2010-02-15T03:58:00.002+01:00

today is one of those days where i am reminded of my relationary status or shall we say, lack of relationary status. it is something that i don't usually dwell on but at the same time don't enjoy. i am in my thirties and have walked through a good portion of my adult life alone.

it is harder than i wish it was, but at the same time i have done things that i am pretty sure i would not have done if i was married. i always thought that i would be married pretty close to after college, but that has not happened.

so when will i 'walk on sunshine'? will it ever happen? i don't know, maybe it will, maybe it won't. i do know that i have a great desire for it to happen. but that doesn't really count or matter in the games of love. it seems that this is one area of life that you can't make things happen. you can help yourself, but many other factors are there too.

i will continue to walk. hopefully in a direction and in a somewhat forward direction. and soon i hope to walk with another through this life.

there's no other place

2010-02-04T02:13:00.001+01:00

that i'd rather be, than safe in the arms, the arms of my saviour.

so what do you think about that? in the good times we would all say yes. in the bad times? is that really where we think it is best or is that just our sunday school heads talking? i know that i am not sure that is where i want to be right now. there seems to be a lot of frustration there. now i know that he can take it, but i am not sure that i want to be there or can take that dialog. that doesn't feel like a very relxaing place to be right now.

but...

am i there anyway? did i make a decision a while ago to always be there? maybe he doesn't want me to be anywhere else. so whether or not i at any moment feel like i want to be there, he is so glad that i am there. there just seem to be two points of view to look at this from. either way, i know that it makes my head spin.

so it is time for a new look

2010-01-24T03:51:00.002+01:00

i have never changed the look of this thing. i figured that it was time for a new title and look. also, i believe a new direction. i am not positive on this, but i think that i may move towards the topcis of the journey that we are all on. the highs, the lows, the struggles, the victories.

a bit more reflective, but also maybe still a bit random. i haven't thought this out completely so it may not work, but we shall see what happens.

i do know that the title reflects the ideas that i am trying to show. so stop by every once in a while and maybe something will touch you and bring ideas to you as to ways to walk through the journey together.

A New Year

2010-01-12T20:02:00.002+01:00

sort of forgot about this thing over the holidays, but now that is over and the new year is here, i thought that i would reflect a bit. at the last new year's i knew that 2009 would be a challenge. i was in germany and knew that in june i would be leaving a place that i had lived for three years. i would be stepping back into the world of a beat up economy and joblessness. i didn't know if something would come quick or if it would be a long painful process. i didn't know how transition would be moving back from a foreign country to the one of my birth. well how has it been? in two words...

it sucks.

germany ended up grandly with me enjoying it more than i had. then i came back to the states. it seemed that everything has crashed and burned since. it is january now and all i have managed is to scrape together a 15 hour a week part time job. i have been on many interviews and application processes and it has led to a big naught.

the transition back has been what i expected it to be, but without a very important part. community. i expected that i would have after 7 months developed a starting group of friends but there is a big nothing through. transition really sucks without walking through it with others.

i feel like i have been utterly abandoned. for all the times of my life this seems like it has been the worst. there are very few bright spots and life is hard and vastly unrewarding. i can't believe that i have been asked to do this alone. that is not the way it was meant to be.

i know that most of my 1.5 readership does not want to read this, but i am sick of being fake to people who expect me to give the fake answers. sometimes i just need to be real in my answers. so move on and know that this will not be a continuing aspect of this site.

i do need to be grateful for some things. i do have a roof over my head, my family still loves and cares for me. i still have my health. but that doesn't change my situation and the abandonment that i feel.

Eclecticism

2009-12-18T04:28:00.002+01:00

Recently I was sure what kind of musical mood I was in, so I went through my iPod and picked out songs that I felt like listening to. Out came an interesting list. Here it is...

Mika - Relax, Take it Easy
Moby - Natural Blues
Muse - Map of the Problematique
Radiohead - All I Need
Regina Spektor - My Dear Acquaintance
Robert Randolph & the Family Band - I Need More Love
The Script - Before the Worst
Tears for Fears - Shout
Thievery Corporation - Lebanese Blonde
Weezer - Hash Pipe
Wilco - Heavy Metal Drummer
Kenny Wayne Shepherd - Every Time it Rains
Jordan Sparks & Chris Brown - No Air
Jimi Hendrix - Purple Haze
Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
Interpol - Untitled
Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek
Fugees - Killing Me Softly with His Song
Dave Matthews Band - Grey Street
David Crowder Band - Church Music-Dance!
The Cure - Friday I'm in Love
The Cranberries - Ode to My Family
Beck - Go It Alone
The Beatles - Come Together
Andy Hunter - Lifelight
Anberlin - Paperthin Hymn
Aqualung - Brighter than Sunshine
Bob Marley - Is this Love?
Counting Crows - Raining in Baltimore

2009-12-10T18:34:00.002+01:00

Cappuccinos and lattes brew
The social chatter is filling the air
The sounds of the soulful blues
lightens the room as a lamp illumines a canvas

There is comfort in a person's voice
The glimmer in an eye can lay at peace a damaged soul
The grace of a love that is passed on
A human is not meant to be alone
The company of others is necessary for fullness
That relationary piece of the heart
is a glimpse of a grander faith
A higher one that offers closeness bound by none.

What's Your Story?

2009-11-29T01:19:00.002+01:00

Everyone lives a story. Our lives are made up of little events. Some of them are life-changing, some day-changing and some are just boring. I was thinking about what kind of story I was living. Would people want to watch it, would people want to read it? I am sure that pieces are interesting, but I don't know that it would be a page-turner.

Should it be? I don't know. Should it matter? yes. Should it make a difference? Yes.

So...what's your story?

Dear God,

2009-11-19T19:19:00.000+01:00

Life is hard...

I am confused...

I need...

Pleasantness

2009-11-14T01:02:00.002+01:00

I have come across some very nice people today. Interesting on a day that I haven't felt especially nice. Probably good that way. The lady at the post office was exceptionally patient and kind to me. I was unsure of what I was doing and had many questions. We actually ended up having a very nice conversation. I was very grateful for her kind smile even though as she admitted to me, she had a long day.

A couple other people I ran across were kind. A glimpse of light in a sometimes cold and slightly mean world.

Encounter

2009-11-09T06:13:00.003+01:00

Something interesting happened to me this evening. Yes, besides the fact that David Crowder used the word cacophony. But that sets the stage. I was at a David Crowder show and it had recently started. Only a few songs in. I was having fun singing along. A little dance music had played and then he went into the song 'How He Loves'.

I was enjoying singing along as the song progressed but started to recognize that I was reaching a place of being unable to sing. I had become completely choked up and was not able to proceed lyrically. Now I brought up the former point of just having fun to set my mood. I was not somber or thoughtful or even particularly worshipful at the moment. Just having fun. God however had different plans.

The last few months have been a bit of a rough stretch for me. A hard path of life with few bright spots. It has been hard. I acknowledge that. At the same time, I have tried to look on the few bright spots to keep my head above water. Sometimes I have better luck at this than others, but it is life with its ups and downs.

Which brings me back to tonight. Even though I was in know way in the place of worship. God decided that he needed to communicate something to me in a very clear and direct way. Back to my ceasation of song. I am choking up no longer able to sing and these words are just staring me in the face. HE LOVES. It is almost as if the whole world faded away and all I could see were these simple words 'He Loves'.

God didn't let me move on. He made me stop and process this. He was going to make sure that I knew He loved me. It took a while to recover for this encounter. I am still a bit stunned my it. The rest of the night was just as enjoyable and I am so glad that I went.

None of this changes where I am. It doesn't change my situation. I will wake up tomorrow with the same problems of life and struggles that I am currently encountering. That is there and will be there for the foreseeable future,

...BUT...

...it does change me.

Why I believe there was no winner of the 2009 MLB season

2009-11-06T02:25:00.002+01:00

I know that the World Series ended yesterday. In fact I saw the last out. But there is no longer actual competition in Major League Baseball. Without competition, there is then no winner. They say there is, but it's not true. The Yankees shouldn't even be allowed to play in the MLB.

Why do I say these things? The payrolls of each team. Baseball does not have a salary cap. That means that the teams can spend as much or as little as they want or have on their teams. Well, the "winners" this year spent over $200 million this season on their 'team' Their opponents, the Phillies spent $113 million on theirs. That is a gap of about $70 million. That amount is more than 10 teams payrolls. This is absurd. The lowest team's payroll Marlins, is $37 million. The next closest team to the Yankees is the Mets at $150 million. That is still $50 million lower than the Yankees 'team'.

If ever there was a team built on money and not baseball, it is the Yankees. Players go there to get money. They don't go there because they care about baseball. With so much money being the difference between teams payrolls. The talent disparity is ridiculous. When the Yankees play the Marlins, that is essentially a Division 1 college football team playing a Division 3 team. No competition.

Something needs to be done about this. I may stop watching baseball if this continues. There is no sport anymore, just Goliath against everyone else. It's a wonder the Phillies won two games against the machine of absurdity.

Sports

2009-10-27T23:53:00.002+01:00

I don't usually talk about sports, but I have a though so I think I will share. I watched a good bit of the Yankees/Angels championship series and the home plate umpiring was awful. Strikes for the Yankees were balls for the Angels and it just was not very fair.

So I though why not take the subjectivity out of it. Make is laser and automatic. Rather than the umpire determining the balls and strikes, have a computer accurately tell where the ball is. Sports broadcasts right now have computer programs that tell us whether the ball was or was not a strike. Still use the humans for judgment calls, but these basic black and white calls can be made electronically.

Maybe that will help. Then maybe we can move to the speed cameras that Germany uses rather than police pulling people over.

Community

2009-10-19T03:24:00.002+01:00

I returned to the scene of many hijinx yesterday. The place known as Messiah College. You see, ten years ago I graduated from there. The campus looks a lot the same but besides that, much has changed. But still it was neat to be back and have so many memories return.

For many years after college, I had always known that I greatly enjoyed college and would have loved to go back, but realized that it wouldn't be the same. I slowly began to realize that what I was missing was the profound sense of community that I had there. I had very deep community as is easy when you live on a college campus with so many people.

Well, I have experienced this since. It was when I went to Germany. Another incredible time where I felt so much community and support through community. My heart longs for community. My soul thrives on community. I think that in some way all of us have this desire. So when and where will community come next. I don't know, but I look forward to it whenever it happens and I look forward to putting effort into it happening again.

Germany

2009-10-13T03:04:00.002+01:00

It has been a rough couple of days. I woke up on Friday missing Germany and the people. Usually it hits at moments throughout the day, but to wake up with it on my mind meant that it didn't leave all day.

I had such a community there. One that doesn't exist now. I loved, I was loved. I laughed, I traveled and I lived. Life doesn't stop but it feels like it is going about as slowly as it can right now. It is even hard to contact those people that I miss because I feel like I will miss them more.

There are bright spots and darker spots. This is just a bit darker of a time. But I did get to have fun in a corn maze today. That was cool. Have a good week and if you don't mind. Send up a little prayer for me.

Tunnelwise

2009-10-02T19:52:00.002+01:00

Sometimes in life we walk through darkness. It can feel like a tunnel where we can't see light on either side. At times I feel like I am in a tunnel right now. I can catch a glimpse of some light behind me. That light was Germany and is fading. But it is not good to look behind. It is best to stay focused on what is in front of you.

First off because it is dark and you may stumble. But secondly and more importantly, you need to look ahead because you may catch a glimmer of the light at the end of the tunnel. And even a glimmer of that light is infinitely more satisfying than looking behind you at a light.

Let me introduce a third aspect of this metaphorical tunnel. Throughout the tunnel are periodic lights. These happen far more than one may notice, but when they are noticed it pushes back the darkness. The thing about these lights is that you never know if they are the end of the tunnel or not. So it is best to keep your eyes concentrated on this light.

There is a light that I must keep my eyes on.

Oh the joys of life

2009-09-25T01:17:00.002+01:00

I found something exiting tonight. At one of my more fav cafes, Prince Street Cafe, they make good coffee with a good atmosphere. As I found out tonight, they also serve you your latte or cappuccino in a mug if you ask them. Most places just give you the paper cup, but I am really enjoying the coffee out of a mug. Props to them.

Resting

2009-09-24T18:06:00.002+01:00

Life is full of light and shadow
Oh the joy and Oh the sorrow
oh the sorrow

And yet will He bring day from night
And yet will He bring dark to light

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember
When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember
When all seems lost
When we're thrown and tossed
We'll remember the cost
We're resting in the shadow of the cross
-David Crowder* Band

The cd 'Church Music' is amazing

What a day!

2009-09-20T01:39:00.003+01:00

Got to get out on the water today. Man, was it beautiful. Barely a cloud in the sky. I thought that it would be a bit cold, but as I got my arms moving in the kayak, I realized that it was perfect. Relaxing and being on the water is just a wonderful way to spend a couple hours.

It is neat how, by getting out in God's creation, it can refresh you. And that is what I feel right now. A bit refreshed. Grateful for the day.

Fire, Jazz, Cushy chair

2009-09-08T00:52:00.003+01:00

Right now I am sitting near a fire, with jazz playing in the background and drinking some coffee. This site could take place in a living room and it would be lovely if it did. But alas this is not. It would also be nice if it was occurring in a small cafe but alas, no. It is occurring in a chain store which does a great job a creating atmosphere even if it is mass produced. (NOT STARBUCKS!)

Either way I am enjoying myself. I am relaxed and it is nice to sit, reflect and type. I urge you to find that place that makes you comfortable, wherever it may be.

It is not good for the Matt to be alone

2009-09-05T04:37:00.002+01:00

So I went out on the town tonight. By myself. I went to enjoy a free show at the Pennsylvania Academy of Music. A jazz pianist and classical guitar player were performing. The performance hall happens to be downtown close to some art gallaries and cafes. So I got dinner at a cafe and afterwards enjoyed some art and coffee.

Before and during the show I had a periodic thought. Wouldn't it be neat if I ran into a nice lady that I didn't know and we just hit it off and ended up going to a cafe and having a couple hour long amazing conversation. Yeah, yeah, I know, not likely and only happens in the movies. Anyways, it was a thought and hope of mine.

Never did happen, but I still had a very enjoyable evening. Just would really love to have someone to share these types of things with.

So I got a bit wet

2009-08-26T19:02:00.002+01:00

Last Friday I had the distinct privilege to go golfing with my brother. Since I hadn't swung a golf club in a year, I went to the driving range Thursday night to remind myself how it worked. A side note...as I was getting my clubs out of the car there was this group of people. It looked like multiple parts of a family. Grandparents, one sons family, another family, but all related. They were getting ready to play mini golf. I realized that I understood what they were saying to each other, yet I also realized that it didn't seem to fit in the states. It was at this time that I realized they were speaking German to each other. It felt so comfortable to hear them interact in German. A nice thing for a guy missing Germany.

Anyways, back to golf. Friday morning came around and we got out on the golfcourse. I was doing okay. Not great, but better than I have done before and the best of us four. It was quite the enjoyable time and I was really enjoying walking the course with my bro. Then some drizzeling rain came. A small shower lasted for about five minutes and then moved on. We though we were okay till we had just finished hole 13. The sky got real dark and huge drops started coming down. By the time that we walked back the the clubhouse WITH an umbrella. We were soaked. Man, we got poured on. But we didn't get struck by lightning which was good.

Still ended up being a great day.

A nice little game

2009-08-15T01:14:00.003+01:00

Football is back. The first round of preseason games is happening. Last night the amazingly awesome Ravens took on the interminable Redskins. Just kidding, but the Ravens and Redskins did play. The Ravens dominated the evening winning 23-0. It was enjoyable to see a football game again. The last game I watched at a normal time was about 4 years ago. I have been watching games from Germany 6 hours ahead for the last 3 years. It will be nice to watching the super bowl at 6:30 pm instead of 12:30 am.

So anyway, the Ravens beat up on the Redskins. Game doesn't matter one lick, but I am glad to see the Ravens looking decent already. Should be a good year.

Role Reversal?

2009-08-10T16:54:00.002+01:00

I have been hearing many older people talk for years about the younger generation and technology. In many ways I think some of the things said are true, but every once in a while I see something that makes me think differently.

I was sitting in Panera bread on Saturday afternoon. There were not many people there so it was easy to here and notice other things. A bit to my left were a family that were eating. There was a mom, dad and teenage son. The dynamics were interesting. I never saw the mom put down her cell phone or say anything. The dad had his cell phone out most of the time. The son did not have a cell phone.

He was by far the most conversational of the three. He was the most well-spoken and the most interested in talking. The mom did not really pay any attention to anything but her cell phone. I just found it to be an interesting reversal of what we expect. Definitely makes you wonder what technology is affecting in the middle aged generation.

Life and Death

2009-08-06T02:13:00.002+01:00

Wow, it has been a looooooong time. Almost long enough for people to wonder if this is dead or not. Even for me to wonder if I was going to end this blog. Well, I am not. Proof...I am updating right now. In fact, I do not know how often I will update, but as for now, I do plan on updating every week. So for you wondering if it is worth reading, at least once a week it will be.

Anyway, on to the time at hand. Monday night, after a day of enjoying nature and kayaking, I returned with my parents and a black snake was discovered to be caught in some netting. I thought that it would be nice to free it. It was dark though and I could barely see the issue whilst shining a flashlight. So I figured that the next morning I would attempt the rescue.

The next morning I went out and started the rescue. I was very careful and tried very hard to be gentle. The snake was remarkably still and I started to wonder about its health or lack of. I did free it, but it had died. I placed it in some bushes hoping that it would heal some and slither away, but it was not to be. Then something interesting happened. I felt a profound sense of sadness.

I wasn't expecting this for although I tried to save it, it was just a snake. But I could not get the fact that the snake had died out of my head all day and I have thought about it today. I realized through conversation that the effort I put into saving the snake had also brought an attachment to the snake. It had been living and I worked hard to keep it that way, but it was not to be. So the effort put in brought a caring spirit along. How much more does that happen for us in relationships with humans? For me, extravagantly more.

Well, that is it for now. Till next time...

Two Things I Like

2009-03-29T22:47:00.001+01:00

Happy Birthday, mum!

It is my mom's birthday today. I love my parents and am so thankful for them. God has really blessed me through them.

I also really like the NCAA right now. They are broadcasting every game of the NCAA tourney on ncaasports.com. That allows me, a resident of Germany, to watch the game. It may be late at night for me, but it has been nice to have a taste of the good ole USA. The Villanova/Pitt game was amazing. And I was able to see it. So thanks to the NCAA.

O What a Night!

2009-02-17T10:29:00.002+01:00

Yesterday was my day off here in good ole Germany. It was a relaxing day in which I did not know what the rest held. Little did I know that it would turn into a wonderful evening. A group of people were going into Basel, CH to see a movie. I figured that I would join them. So to be in Basel is a good start.

We got into Basel a little early for the movie and I had some time to burn. So when others went to get some coffee, I and a friend went to a nearby pub and enjoyed a pint with good conversation. What a nice way to start an evening. After that I went to the movie of choice which was Slumdog Millionaire. Needless to say, it is a very good movie. The story is good and it is very real. Well done with good acting. I really enjoyed it.

I had gone to see a different movie than the others in the group, so I had about an hour after my movie got out. I decided to walk the streets of Basel. It was really nice and relaxing to walk the streets at night. I made it down to the river and just enjoyed the light reflecting off the water.

It was a great and very relaxing evening. I was glad that it happened even if unexpectedly.

25 things

2009-02-01T14:04:00.000+01:00

1. I am currently reading the book 'Crazy Love' by Francis Chan

2. My favorite movie is probably Gladiator

3. I don't like tomatoes

4. I don't like to be alone

5. I live with 29 males and 2 females

6. This May it will be ten years since I graduated college

7. I worked once as a tour guide at a potato chip factory

8. In college, I gave a five minute spontaneous speech on the paper clip

9. I don't have a left eye

10. I can enjoy movies strictly depending on where they are shot

11. I have been in 6 major league ballparks in the US

12. I love winter and snow

13. I have been a paid musician

14. I love jazz

15. I have rapped the Lord's Prayer in front of a couple hundred people

16. I like surprises which is why I didn't shake presents before Christmas growing up

17. I wanted to be an underwater basket weaver when I was young

18. 384

19. There are few things I like in the world more than going out to eat with friends and staying for hours

20. I wish that I knew how to shoot poison mouth darts

21. I will pay $10 to see pretty much any live musical act

22. I have driven through six countries in one day

23. I have never been to Colorado

24. My favorite tv show in the States was College Gameday

25. I spend too much time on Facebook

26. I am currently living in the most beautiful place that I have ever lived.

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes...

2008-12-26T15:00:00.002+01:00

Christmas is all around me. In beautiful understated Germany with the quaint little Christmas markets and closed stores. The stores closed a bit afternoon on Christmas eve and don't open up until tomorrow morning(Dec 27). It is quiet and just a nice time spent with wonderful people.

Lots of Christmas movie watching has happened. Some wonderful flicks. What is you favorite Christmas movie? Die Hard?

The movies that I can think of that I have watched this year are 'A Christmas Story', White Christmas', 'Charlie Brown', 'Grinch'(cartoon), 'Grinch'(Jim Carrey), 'It's a Wonderful Life', 'Home Alone', 'Santa Clause', 'Elf', 'Muppet Christmas Carol', and I think that's it. All enjoyable watches although some more than others.

Have a great holiday.

Found it interesting

2008-12-05T10:10:00.002+01:00

I have always thought that my music listening was a little eclectic, but I have listened to 6 different artist this morning.

Snow Patrol - a hundred million suns
Vince Guaraldi Trio - Charlie Brown Christmas
Ben Folds - rockin the suburbs
Journey
Chicago - chicago IX
Hillsong United - i heart revolution

Just to let you in a bit on my listening these days

Snow nestled hills

2008-11-24T21:05:00.002+01:00

Hey all one of you, :-)

I am sitting in here in Germany thinking about life. There are hard times and good times. Sometimes you do good things. Sometimes you hurt the people you care for. Life still goes on and doesn't seem to stop for anything. But man, there are moments that you wish you could take back...at least I do.

This weekend has been a long one. Lonely also. Sometimes the hard times wear on me and I don't feel like I have much left. That is about how I feel. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of not knowing what the next year will bring. Everyone else wants to know, but I can't tell them if I don't know. The uncertainty is hard. We aren't meant to go through this life alone, yet we pull away from each other and hurt each other. We are human, that is going to happen. That doesn't make it any easier though.

Thinking....

War

2008-10-02T09:30:00.002+01:00

Tonight I am leaving with our junior class here at school to drive to Normandy. It is a history class trip and I am fortunate enough to go. In preparation for this trip, we have watched a couple different things. The first three parts of Band of Brothers and Saving Private Ryan. Needless to say that watching all this got me thinking about war. The horrors of it and everything. It is going to feel a lot more real when I go to this place. I had the chance to go to Bastogne last year and that was good but hard at the same time.

It will be interesting to see Normandy. To see the beaches that the troops landed on. To see the cemeteries commemorating them. I just found this out yesterday. The largest cemetery there is not the US cemetery. It is the German cemetery. Interesting?

I look forward to this weekend and hope that it will give me a new perspective on the awfulness of war and the sacrifice that these men made.

Am I becoming more European

2008-09-18T16:20:00.002+01:00

I think that I am. One of those things that just happens the longer you live somewhere. You get more used to seeing certain things and your opinions about styles change. I still am very influenced by living in the US for 28 years, but the last three years I have noticed a change.

Certain clothing, shoe and other various styles that seem weird to me when I first came here, I now like. I think that I will miss being able to buy those things when I go back to the states, much like I miss certain things from the states while I am here.

Anyway, I like Europe.

Top 5

2008-09-03T11:57:00.002+01:00

A friend of mine went to see Coldplay on Monday in Strasbourg, France. She said that is was an amazing concert and loved it. It got me thinking about what some of my favorite concerts experiences have been. So here they are in no particular order.

-U2 in Philadelphia. They are great in concert and my ticket was randomly selected to go inside the ellipse they had set up. 15 feet from the Edge all night is pretty cool.

-Lincoln Center Jazz Orchestra at WolfTrap. This is an outdoor venue and an incredible jazz band. There was a 10 minute drum solo in the middle of one of the songs.

-Athlete at World Cafe Live. Small club with a couple hundred people. Very intimate show from a big European band.

-New York Philharmonic at the Saratoga Performing Arts Center. Amazing pieces performed. I also got to see Ling Lang play there when he wasn't very famous. Nice outdoor venue.

-The concert to yet love. I love going to see live music. I can't wait for all the chances to see small or big bands live. So this spot goes to the one that will perpetually happen for the rest of my life.

I wonder if people still read this...

2008-09-02T14:08:00.002+01:00

Yesterday was my day off here in good ole Germany. In the location that I live, I have the distinct privilege of being within 30 minutes of Basel, Switzerland. Basel was always a nice European city for me, but not anything incredible. I think that I have been selling it short since I am so comfortable with it. Living so close it is easy to jump in for an hour or two and back out.

Only recently have I started to really how great the city is. It is beautiful. I wish I had taken my camera to take some neat pictures. The city has museums, squares, a river, and nice riverside park. It is a quintessential European experience. I know it well and it may be one of my favorite cities in Europe. I think that the more time you spend in a city just enjoying the people and place you are, the more you can enjoy it.

Back to yesterday, I went in with a couple of other guys for about three hours. We walked around for a while, sat by the river, walked through streets and parks and were just enjoying the beautiful weather. On one side of the river, there is the big cathedral of the city. It is up a hill and by Basel old university. Around it is what in English would be the 'church square.' It is quiet with no real shops around and has a few trees in this one area and benches. We sat down and just enjoyed the city as it was itself.

It was so relaxing. People were biking and walking by. Some were just enjoying the benches like us. A group of guys came and were playing boche ball. It was just a nice beautiful and serene moment of time.

I am so blessed to have this opportunity.

Airplanes

2008-07-31T21:01:00.002+01:00

I think that i talk a while back about the relationship that is developed between people on planes that sit next to each other. Even if you don't talk there is something that happens. Well this time it was a bit different. I was flying from Philadelphia to Frankfurt. I got to sit next to this German guy named Sebastian who was from Leipzig. We had a grand time talking about many things for a good bit of the flight. It made the flight go much quicker and be a bit more enjoyable.

I don't know if I will ever see Sebastian again. I highly doubt it, but for those 8 hours it seemed like he was one of my good friends. It is incredible the good people that you meet oll over the world. So thank you Sebastian.

I Wanna Go Home

2008-07-04T02:36:00.002+01:00

A long while ago I posted about what home is and the fact that I didn't have a home.

I haven't thought about it in a while, but usually my answer is that I don't know what home is for me. Until today. I was watching a movie today that made a quote about home and it got me thinking.

I think that I do know what home is. Wait for it...wait for it...

I think that I have many homes. Home is one thing, but I think that I have many pieces of home that make up that whole. I think that my parent's house where I grew up is a piece of my home. I think that Marzell, Germany where I currently reside is another part of my home. I think that Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where I lived before Germany and where so many good friends live is part of that home. I think that little parts of my home lie with people that are very special to me yet live elsewhere. Maybe there are other parts of my home that aren't yet defined or complete. Life will bring those together.

People say that home is where the heart is. Maybe that is true. My heart has pieces that recide with many people. And that seems to be where my home is.

Grocery Stores

2008-06-27T16:36:00.003+01:00

It has been a while. Sorry all. The end of the school year is crazy at good ole BFA. Still I did have a couple of minutes to write something. As for now, let's talk about a thing called culture shock and how it affected me on Wednesday.

I landed in the states on Tuesday after my second year of living in Deutschland. And my mom needed some groceries for the house so I went with her on Wednesday. In Germany, grocery stores have many items, but only one or two choices on each item. So needless to say, it was a bit of a shock when I walked into a grocery store and saw about 20 options for one thing. I did a lot of wandering around that night because I was a bit overwhelmed.

My mom and sister had a good ole time laughing at me and I am sure that I was very humurous to watch. Oh man, the silly things that we do and the ways we react. Well, I am sure that there will be many other cases and ways that this will show itself. So I will just laugh at myself and try to enjoy American culture for the next 5 weeks.

Here I am.

2008-05-19T12:47:00.002+01:00

I lay myself at Your feet Asking You won't You meet
Won't You meet me
I cannot do it on my own
I cannot do it all alone

Here I am, tonight
With my arms open wide
Won't You come inside
Won't You come inside
Come and fill this heart of mine

I'm in need of You
Of Your touch, of Your life, of Your love
I need You
I need You
-Shawn McDonald

In other news, the new Death Cab for Cutie album is pretty good.

Relax, Take it easy

2008-05-05T18:54:00.000+01:00

What helps you to relax? People, doing things, time by yourself, doing nothing. For me, I unwind, process and relax by doing things with people. Especially in the job that I am in, working with high school kids the whole time and having very little time off, talking with adults and having time with friends.

This helps me to unwind which is probably the biggest thing that I need to do. When I get the chance to do that, I am very grateful. When I don't, it can make for a long week to follow. Mental relaxation is helpful and helps me to respond much better to the guys.

I didn't get that chance today and I need to figure out how to best deal with it. Getting out in beautiful weather today helped. And maybe something neat will happen this week or weekend that will give me a bunch of refreshment. We shall see.

The Tale of Two Films

2008-04-15T11:23:00.003+01:00

It was the worst of films, it was the best of films. Okay, that isn't quite true because both of these films fall somewhere in the middle of best and worst and not the extremes. Once film is a small indie film with nobody that anybody has ever heard of. The other is a major film company's latest release.

First film: 'Enchanted' I went into this thinking that I was going to watch just a good ole Disney movie. But alas, it didn't happen. With music and the high recommendations from others I was seeing it with low expectations. And those expectations weren't fulfilled. It was a long 100 minutes or so. Things that many other people laughed at, I spent my time cringing at. So many moments reminded me of cheesy chick flick as opposed to Disney film. Needless to say, it was not thouroughly enjoyed. Now for the other film.

'Once' This is an indie Irish film and also a musical although very much not in the same way. It is about a street musician who meets a piano player and they record an album. The music pops up as they play songs with and to each other. It feels and flows very naturally. The film is very simple and the script shows the awkwardness of relationships well. It is so basic that the main male and female leads don't have names. The music is solid and it is just a nice story. Now me being a music person probably lends me more to liking it. But I loved it. (Be warned, 'Once' does have language in it.)

Interesting how we react to movies, isn't it.

Far far away

2008-03-25T23:51:00.002+01:00

So much has happened since I last stopped in here. I need to stop in more often, even for a shorter stop. Just to let y'all know that I am alive and that life is good.

I love snow. It has been snowing for the last week. Pretty much everyday has brought an accumulation of snow. It is just gorgeous although a little odd due to the fact that BFA is on spring break. I guess not to springy for us yet. It will come though. It should bring a beautiful spring. I love all kinds of weather that brings out the beauty of creation. Snow falling may be my favorite though. Especially in streetlight. It looks so clean when it is fallen and is also fun to throw at people.

Maybe one day I will have someone special to walk through the snow with. As for now, I will just enjoy the friends that I have been given. Some of these people I only have the next two months to spend with before they move back to many different areas of the US and I stay here in Germany.

Time is precious and every moment should be as good as it can be.

As the snow falls...

2008-03-04T23:31:00.003+01:00

It is snowing and so beautiful. Glad that I get to live in such a beautiful place. Friends come and go and some friends come back. A friend that was here in Germany with me last year is back for a few days. So very thankful that I get to see her and at the same time missing my dear friends from back in the states.

The hard and easy part of living overseas. I am so grateful for the people that I get to share this experience with. It is hard sometimes and being very thoughtful right now is causing me to miss people.

So to all of you back in the states. I miss you deeply and am very fortunate to know you.

Encouragement

2008-02-18T13:07:00.002+01:00

I have been thinking about encouragement and correction lately. Have you noticed that many times when correction is given, there are specific items and instances mentioned of when something wrong was done. Eg: When you drove you car you are supposed to use your turn signal.

When encouragement is given it is very general. Eg: You are a good driver.

I wonder if by making encouragement general, we trivialize it. I wonder how much more appreciated it would be if we encouraged people while using specific instances.

So I was sitting in a coffeeshop in Basel, Switzerland...

2008-02-11T13:03:00.000+01:00

Man, it is fun to start a post like that. You would think that after living here for a year and a half and being only 30 minutes from Basel, that it may get comfortable, but it still feels pretty cool. Wow, I am blessed.

Anyway, I got my coffee and then walked upstairs to find a seat. I found a comfortable one and sat down in it. There was a man reading the newspaper on the other side of our little coffee table. I was getting my book out and his friend came over and went to sit down, but then realized that there were some comfortable chairs for both of them across the room. So they got up to move.

Now up until now we had just exchanged a couple of glances. But as he left, he was very polite and wanted to acknowledge that he was leaving me by myself so we had a very short, typically German conversation. He wished me a schoenen abend (Beautiful evening), smiled and walked away.

Danke, gleichfalls.

News

2008-01-23T08:46:00.000+01:00

Heath Ledger died.

Over 650 people have died in Kenya in the last month.

Voting

2008-01-14T15:39:00.000+01:00

So I did a blog on politics and it stirred up a lot more than I was expecting. First off I want to say that I picked Mike Huckabee, not to pick on him, but because he was the candidate that most of the people in my circle have been supporting. Since mostly people in my circle read this blog, I figured I would be relevant to that. Most of the people reading this aren't supporting Obama or Clinton so it wouldn't have really mattered to write a post on why I don't agree with them. I have nothing against Mike Huckabee.

But this whole thing goes to a bigger issue. I don't feel like I can support any of the candidates that are currently running in the two party system that we have. Many of them, including Mike Huckabee, seem to have many good points, but there are just things that they support and believe that I just can't support. I understand that I will agree with no candidate completely and many people adopt the 'vote for the least bad one' strategy. I just can't bring myself to do that.

So what do I do? I haven't found anyone that I can support, and I believe strongly that I should vote. The only option that I can come up with right now is to do heavy research and find a candidate from another party other than the two big ones. That candidate won't win, but I can probably in a good conscience vote for him or her.

Clarification

2008-01-11T10:58:00.000+01:00

I want to clarify the last post. It is one person's opinion(me) about whether or not I agree with another person(Huckabee). Just my thoughts on quotes I found on his website. I don't mean any of the statements to be an accusation of the US. I love the states and am very glad that I am a US citizen. I think that the US does a pretty good job in the position it is in the world. It is hard to be the big guy.

Politics

2008-01-08T22:58:00.000+01:00

I almost never step into the realm of politics, but it seems that in certain circles, Mike Huckabee is being hailed as the one to like and vote for. This is long and hopefully doesn't become too much of a soapbox, but these are things that I feel, some very strongly about and others less so. Following are some reasons why I cannot support him. All quotes are taken from his website.

HEALTH CARE:
...We don't need universal health care mandated by federal edict or funded through ever-higher taxes...It consumes about 17% of our gross domestic product, easily surpassing the few European nations where spending is close to 10% and far higher than any other country in the world...
After living in Germany I have seen universal health care work and he states right here that it is cheaper in Europe. The US has attempted to fix health care privately for too long. Maybe we should realize that our European friends might have figured something out.

BORDERS:
...I strongly oppose the economic integration of North America that would have open borders among the United States, Canada, and Mexico. I know we must have closed and secure borders...
With the global environment that is happening, this type of secludist talking will get us nowhere. There are many good things that we can learn from other countries.

IRAQ:
...Setting a timetable for withdrawal is a mistake. This country has never declared war until "a week from Wednesday," we have always declared war until victory...
I could have put his entire page on Iraq here. I cannot support someone who still thinks that we should have gone in or need to stay in Iraq. There isn't even a thought of how to get out of another sovereign country that we should have left alone.

MILITARY:
...I will expand the army and increase the defense budget...
You have got to be kidding me. People are starving on the street and we can't even get health care or help these African nations, but we need to spend more money on the military. Let's get our priorities straight and start caring about people, not taking over people.

ISRAEL:
...As President, I will always ensure that Israel has access to the state-of-the-art weapons and technology she needs to defend herself from those who seek her annihilation...
It is amazing how Israel stays perfect as the country bombs Palestine and Palestine is always the bad country. Maybe we should reevaluate.

HUMAN RIGHTS:
...The United States must continue to lead the world in condemning the human rights abuses inflicted on the Cuban people...
Why can we torture people as much as we want but than claim to be clean. We should clean up our act before condemning other countries.

GUN CONTROL:
...I consistently opposed banning assault weapons and opposed the Brady Bill...
Still don't understand why people need to walk around with assault weapons. This might be a good thing to ban.

These are some issues that cause me to not be able to support him.

What Love Could Be

2007-12-30T00:18:00.000+01:00

She came in from the cold. Wet!
Dropped her luggage bags; looked the concierge in the eye
And said ‚I need a room for the night but I don't got no money.
Will you take payment in kind?
He said ‚ alright. I've got a room here you can share mine.

Make the bed in the morning and that'll do fine.
You can change in the bathroom, hang your clothes on the line‚
A tear came to here eye as she thought‚ How could he be so kind

She sat down on the bed with a needle
He said I'd hate to see you bleed
I'll just fetch a warm towel and sit with you till your dry
She started to cry saying ‚Why‚ why, why

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

She was cold turkey. He was holding her hand.
She said I was ruined by a man‚ and this was never in my plan,
I dreamed of men who loved me together we'd see the world
But somehow I lost myself among the insults they hurled

I'm sure you're a wonderful woman, and someday there'll surely be someone
So just relax now. It's important that you're calm
She said‚ how is it you can see past me as I am

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

When you took your chances it was like you placed a bet
And sometimes this is the reward you can get
I was always taught when you see someone defiled
You should look them in the eye and smile
Take their hand or better still, take them home. Home. Home?

She awoke early in the morning made the bed gathered up her clothes to leave
Saw the concierge curled on the settee
And said what you did for me is hard for me to believe

I was just doing what was right.
No one that knows love could leave you out there on such a night.
If you can help someone bear this in mind
and consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness
-Foy Vance

Sort of...forgot

2007-12-24T11:31:00.000+01:00

So something interesting happened this year. I forgot that it was Christmas. HOW CAN YOU DO THAT!!! you ask. I don't know. The break at school here started a week and a couple days ago. After the students left, we had to take down the Christmas tree so that the dining room and living room floor can be replaced. That is a very weird feeling to take down a tree ten days before Christmas.

So along with that, many other things have gone on. Last Monday, I was able to go to Adelboden, Switzerland. I spent from Monday to Friday there. A bit of a vacation. Amazingly beautiful, but there was no sign of Christmas and it was just a relaxing time, crashing from the semester.

Anyway, that brings me to Friday/Saturday. I had just gotten back from Adelboden and was thinking about what the next two weeks would hold. Then someone mentioned that it was December 22. WHAT!!! Three days before Christmas!! I had no clue and didn't feel like it was close to Christmas.

I don't know what makes it feel like Christmas for me, but clearly I missed something this year. So yeah, I forgot Christmas.

Confession time is over. It is now Christmas eve and it still doesn't feel quite like Christmas, but I am getting there. So in the spirit of the season.

Merry Christmas!!

Can't get more cheesy

2007-12-10T14:15:00.000+01:00

This post is for proteinstar. I think I may have tracked down the cheesiest love song of the 80s and so with no further ado...

Richard Marx-Right Here Waiting
Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I cant get near you now

Oh, cant you see it baby
You've got me going crazy

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
Ill take the chance

Oh, cant you see it baby
You've got me going crazy

Whom do you compare yourself to?

2007-12-06T15:56:00.000+01:00

Been thinking a lot lately and wondering if I do some things to the ability that other people do them or if I do it to the best of my ability. A couple of examples. This is supposed to be a stressful and exhausting time of year here in the dorm in Germany. So I am tired and stressed. Is that because of how I actually feel or is it how I am supposed to feel?

There are some job parameters here and I have been doing okay at them, but not great. I think that many people around me have also been doing okay. So my question is if I am doing just enough to be equal with other people or am I doing my best.

In both these situations, I don't believe that I am doing the best that I can. I think and know that I can do better and that I am not extra-ordinarily tired. Tired, yes, but still got lots to give. I can do better and half to do better. It is not acceptable to just ride the middle. I am called to be exceptional, not normal.

And dang it, if someone asks how I am doing, the answer that follows should good or great. On rare days, a bad is okay, but the norm should be positive. Enough of this stupid negativity. Time to be positive.

Stay

2007-12-04T17:09:00.000+01:00

I've been left thinking
where do i belong
Everything that's happened here
seems now so wrong
I'm asking the questions
i'm not sure I want the answers to
In the searching i've found
what i'm sure is true

When the flower blooms
When the spring birds tune
All the beauty in your soft warm face
Slowly brings everything into place

All i need and all i want
is to be with you
To know the end before the beginning
removes all mystery
What seemed so simple may be so wrong
What seems right may not be true
If there's anything i needed to know
it's not easy to see

For you to be here is what i would love
Yet not knowing you is not reason to grieve
The request that seems so simple to make
It's in your heart where i want to stay

Such ado

2007-11-26T14:31:00.001+01:00

Okay, so i got to get away before I get too much of a hard time. So what to write about. Something positive like raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Oh yuck, that is pretty pathetic too. What about pulling whiskers off kittens. That sounds a bit more masculine. :-)

Laying awake and thinking is not my idea of fun. I really wish that I could sleep better. Haven't been able to sleep well for the last couple of weeks. Grr. So frustrating. A couple of nights have been wonderful, but overall, stinkiness.

It is beautiful today. Nice snow falling from the sky. It didn't lay down where we are, but looking up the hill you can see the snow line. We got snow falling which is wonderful though. Beautiful German architecture and simple life.

Isn't that where true enjoyment of life is? In the simplicity. Even in the fancy crazy things that we do, I would bet that the thing that makes it so enjoyable is very simple like a person laugh or their smile or beauty. Or a nice conversation with a lovely, soft....

Anyway. Have a wonderful week and I hope the su(o)n shines on you. It is now. Haven't seen it for a couple of weeks. nice to see it now though.

Love

2007-11-25T00:12:00.000+01:00

I just want to be loved. That is where I am right now. Life is so confusing. Relationships are so confusing. I feel like I have been messing everything up that I could possibly. But in the end, I just want to be loved.

Yes in a generic way, loved. But also in a more specific way. It sounds completely cheesy, but I want that romantic kind of love. Maybe it is out there for me. I miss it and haven't experienced it in a long time. Go ahead and pick on me for this one. But it is me being honest. Maybe to a fault, but it is what it is.

Processing

2007-11-16T22:47:00.000+01:00

I am a verbal processor. I sometimes have many things on my mind and at other times my mind is nice and free to glide. Some things are not really possible to process with other people due to their personal nature or other type of sensitivity. So how as a verbal processor do those things get processed. I don't know.

I have one of those issues right now. Something that I don't feel the freedom to just talk about with anyone, but yet I feel the need to process and think through it. I have sort of stuck myself in my own hard place.

What to do...what to do...

Things that make you happy

2007-11-12T23:28:00.000+01:00

I don't know what I am trying to say except that I am happy. I was made to feel special over the last couple days and some relationships have been going very well. So things are going very well. What a wonder a weekend off can be. Have a great day.

More coming in the next couple days. I spent Veterans day in Bastogne and it was a very poignant experience.

Snowing

2007-11-09T15:15:00.000+01:00

Well, for the second time this year, it is snowing and has been snowing off and on all day. We probably got an inch, but then it melted. And it has kept on snowing since. It is amazing how pretty quiet it gets when it is snowing and covers everything with white. So pure and new. it just makes you feel fresh. Get some good sleep and I will be set.

We still got some white stuff on the ground, but mostly it is just falling right now. I have broken the Christmas music out and am enjoying it with the snow and a glass of wine that I had earlier. What a wonderful afternoon. I love snow and mixing it with the fall colours that are out are amazing.

Have a wonderfully beautiful day.

Why do I Blog?

2007-11-03T20:17:00.000+01:00

What a question. Sometimes I am not sure that I know the answer to this question. Lately I have been wondering if I am a negative blogger. That definitely makes me curious. I think that I can be, because there isn't always a lot to process about positive things and I use blogging to process. But that doesn't mean that it is a good way to do things.

Maybe I blog to share things, or maybe I just want to know that people out there in cyberspace just may have an inkling of understanding. Most of all, I think I just process in blogging and that is mostly my only purpose in doing so. This post is part of that and I am striving not to talk negatively even though I am having a crappy day.

Peace all.

Movies

2007-11-01T22:44:00.000+01:00

I watched 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' tonight. I started out laughing, but as the movie went on, I just got bored. I think I know it too well. I also think that the movie has become funnier to quote than to watch. I love quoting the movie or hearing others quote the movie. We laugh out loud as we just go back and forth.

I wonder how many movies are like that. Movies known so well that the talking about them is the funny part.

The Road Not Taken

2007-10-29T15:54:00.000+01:00

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost

Missing ?

2007-10-22T12:36:00.000+01:00

I seem to just be sort of eh today. I feel this longing for something. Usually when I feel this I know what it is that I am missing. Lately it has been a feeling of loneliness and missing over not having a special relationship and a special someone to love and share life with.

Also, I have at many times missed family and friends back in the US. My family that goes through changes or my friends that are getting married or just living life. These are people that know me and have known me for a long time. There is a comfort there that isn't always here.

Many times I just miss the states. I grew up and lived there for 28 years. I miss the ease of communication. I miss that little jazz club where I go to listen to some nice jazz for the evening. I miss dressing up and going into the city for dinner. I miss those coffee shops that I could just sit in for hours and their name wasn't Starbucks. I miss live music.

Right now though, I don't know what I miss. I have that feeling of missing something today, but I cannot put my finger on what it is that I miss. This is all very ubiquitous and I am not sure that it makes any sense, but I have this sense of missing something and longing that I can't define. Maybe I am missing something that can't be defined. Maybe I am missing missing something. :-)

Anyway, I wonder if anything good comes from missing something.